THE VAMPIRE DIARIES SEASON 5 EPISODE ONE

Welcome back, everyone. It's a new, delightfully Original lite-to-free season. Let's dive right in (no offense, Stefan). Are you with me? Okay.
Stefan is still trapped underwater, in a safe. Silas is walking around in his true face. Since that true face is identical to Stefan's, I may continue to call Silas Stylus, because it helps me remember who I'm looking at.
Bonnie is but a ghost. Since Jeremy can see dead people though, she is using him to text her friends as if she's still alive, because yes -- learning that Jeremy and Bonnie have deceived them for months, will surely lessen the pain when her loved ones finally learn of her passing, right? Ugh. Why did death make her stupid? Or okay, stupider.
Tyler has been and continues to be out of town, helping some Appalachian werewolf pack. It's time for the show to fish or cut bait, with Tyler. All these extended absences are leaving his character with the emotional resonance of a waterlogged corpse (no offense, Stefan). Caroline has spent the summer planning the decor of the Whitmore College dorm she'll be sharing with Elena. And yes, I'd scoff at using decor in conjunction with dorm, but this is fantasy TV. The dorm room is nicer and more spacious than any given room in my house.
Damon and Elena have spent the summer shagging, but all good things must come to an end. Witness: Katherine. Now that she's human, I understand that Kiki has lost all her vampiric powers. Where I'm struggling is that is appears said powers include the skill to remove smudged, day-old eye makeup, and the ability to run a comb through her hair. Even when in a setting as flattering as Damon's bubble-filled tub, without her beast within, this beauty looks like a drowned rat (no offense, Stefan).
Stylus is after Katherine. Damon agrees to let her hide out at Mossy Manse. When Stylus finds Kiki in the tub, she at first thinks he's Stefan, but learns the truth soon enough. As she's fleeing the house, Damon and Jeremy return home. Damon orders Jeremy to take off with Katherine, but once they're alone, Stylus informs Damon that he knows where the real Stefan is, and he'll only give that information, in exchange for our once (and hopefully -- future) fair Kiki.
Meanwhile, Matt and Rebekah return from their European debaucheries. Rebekah heads off to New Orleans and her new series, while Matt returns to what promises to be a dangerous and unsatisfying existence, because it's going to play out, in Mystic Falls. Still, he's back to work, and struggling to keep his head above water (no offense, Stefan), until he runs into Nadia, a woman with whom he and Rebekah had a completely time-slot inappropriate evening, which culminated with Nadia stealing the Gilbert Protect-o ring that Matt had been wearing. Nadia claims to have traveled from Prague to the Falls, just to return the ring, but once Matt puts it back on, a man comes up behind him, grabs his Matt's head and incants something in a foreign language, which causes Matt's baby blues to turn totally black, like he's suddenly the demonic part of a Supernatural crossover event.
The episode is not without its casualties. Elena and Caroline's new roommate (who drinks vervain water, and has a picture of herself with Dr. Gilbert) is killed by a vampire. Stylus kills the Mayor, aka Bonnie's Interim Dad, and Jeremy is nearly killed, when Katherine grabs the steering wheel of his car and crashes it into a pole, so she can avoid being returned to Stylus. Damon opens a vein, saves the boy's life, which he certainly owes him.
Just as I'm not big on pilots, I am not crazy about season premieres. "I Know What You Did Last Summer," sets all the pieces in place, but I had a hard time remaining engaged. I think some of that is me, though. I have some nits to pick and will do so in the full recap. True confession: in this recaplet, I'm just trying to tread water (no offense, Stefan).

THE ORIGINALS SERIES PREMIER

Elijah Mikaelson travels to New Orleans to figure out who or what is conspiring against his brother, Klaus the werewolf-vampire hybrid. When he arrives, he finds the city much different than when he and his siblings left it a century earlier. The witches cower in fear of an upstart vampire named Marcel. The vampires feed on unwitting humans, openly and without consequence. Beignets are rarely made with lard anymore. And so on. He soon discovers that it was a witch named Jane-Anne Deveraux who lured Klaus to town, but Marcel killed her for practicing magic in the Quarter, then took her body so her spirit couldn't rest in peace.
It's up to Jane-Anne's sister Sophie to fill in the blanks for Elijah. The magic that got sis killed? She was doing some kind of witchy pregnancy test on a werewolf named Hayley to determine that she is, indeed, carrying Klaus's child. The witches keep her under guard at a local cemetery, hoping to use her and/or the baby as a bargaining chip. They need Klaus to help them defeat Marcel, since, as Marcel's maker, he knows all his progeny's strengths and weaknesses. Unfortunately for them, baby rabies isn't one of Klaus's weaknesses and he shuns any responsibility that his wayward werewolf sperm may have heaped upon him. Sophie threatens to kill Hayley, so Elijah gets to work trying to convince his brother that family rules, above all else.
Klaus pouts and storms and pouts some more. He lashes out against Marcel and bites one of his vampire lackeys, then refuses to cure him with his blood. Rebekah, via phone chats with Elijah, thinks they should just leave him to his tantrums. Eventually, Elijah manages to talk some sense into him, and Klaus fakes an apology to Marcel in order to win back his trust. In truth, what Klaus really wants is to be King of New Orleans again and he'll oust Marcel to do it. Elijah brings Jane-Anne's body back to the witches as a gesture of good faith and an uneasy alliance is struck.
We don't find out just how Marcel gained control over the witches or why Klaus can't be allowed to simply kill him outright, but it probably has something to do with a girl named Davina. We only meet her at the end, and she has some kind of magic, but maybe isn't a witch like the others. Elijah is feeling pretty good about how things are going, right up until the moment Klaus stakes him in the heart with one of those white oak daggers from The Vampire Diaries. You'd think he'd learn not to trust Klaus at some point, but he seems genuinely shocked as he slips into another temporary death. Elijah its Klaus man, he always has a dagger handy

SCANDAL

We open right where last season ended, with Liv's dad, Rowan, dressing her down for sleeping with the President. Actually, he's more disappointed that she aimed to be First Lady instead of a position with actual power. And he puts Olivia on a plane with a new identity and tells her she'll be hanging out on an island for eight months and then relocate somewhere overseas permanently.
Olivia gets on the plane, but borrows the flight attendant's phone and calls Cyrus to say goodbye. Cy convinces her to get off the plane, because otherwise Fitz will think Cyrus had Olivia killed and Cy won't have the access he needs to save the president from himself. So Fitz is still a child with no agency. Got it. Cyrus also promises that the White House isn't going to throw Liv under the bus on this. Anyway, Liv gets off and gets her mojo back, telling her dad off in the meantime.
Cyrus and the VP get in an argument when she refuses to take over all public appearances until the heat is off. The Veep refuses, due to her religious beliefs, and manages to throw in some homophobia and racism while she's at it. Fitz throws the handlers out and admits to Sally that he committed adultery and then asks her to help him buy some time to get his family ready. She agrees.
Liv makes it back to work to find that all of her clients are firing her. Mellie finds out that a tipsy Hal the Secret Service Agent is the one who admitted the President was screwing someone, although he didn't give a name. And then the news gets cell phone video of Fitz leaving Olivia's place, so the White House's original strategy of denial is out the window.
Cy orders his underlings to "start a kill folder on Olivia Pope." That means we get some backstory on Liv: her mom died in a plane crash when she was twelve, and she went to the best boarding schools and Ivy League schools. After her mom died, she never lived at home again. Her dad's cover story is that he works at the Smithsonian as a curator. And she had a series of relationships with older, powerful men, which Cy notes sadly (but kind of not sadly enough?) is enough to paint her as an ambitious slut.
Rowan returns to convince Liv to get on the plane, but she refuses and wants to know what happened to Jake. Dad will only say that Jake refused an order, so Liv calls a mysterious number that activates a flotilla of town cars to fool the paparazzi camped out on her doorstep, and Liv meets up with Fitz in some sort of bunker.
After Fitz is done yelling at Liv for "pulling the fire alarm" to get into the bunker, since it was a one-time-only deal and now she's screwed when the nukes fall or an asteroid hits or whatever, Mellie pops up because Liv invited her so that the three of them can figure out how to handle this publicly. Mellie is bitter, of course, and even more so when Fitz and Liv think they should handle this by telling the whole truth. Mellie is like, "Hell, no" and they seem to be at an impasse until Liv and Mellie negotiate how much truth they should tell and they all get their stories straight. Mellie leaves and Fitz hugs Liv and she finally cries for about ten seconds before rushing from the room… er, bunker.
Fitz tells the Veep that she should publicly condemn him so that she can be the moral center of the Republican party.
Mellie isn't really on board with the plan, and she gets Cy and the gladiators to work with her. What's their plan? They leak a video of a communications aide, Jeanine, (the redhead who's been acting as press secretary?) calling the President hot and then get multiple White House sources (Cy and Mellie, probably) to confirm that she's the one the President had "a brief fling" with. These are awful, terrible people. They just ruined that girl's life. I love this show.
Fitz is livid (heh) that Jeanine has to take the fall and is all set to clear her name, (i find his morality/hypocrisy interesting)but Mellie stops him and snarkily says that she knows he leaked Olivia's name to the press via his Secret Service agent. And she's right. But what she's wrong about is how long the President had planned this; when he laid his head on her lap last season, it was all a charade to gain her trust so that he could leak Liv's name and keep Mellie from having that information in reserve to hurt him in the future. DAMN, SON! That's a long con.
Liv gets back to work after Harrison tries to assure her that she's free now, and her first client is Jeanine. Meanwhile, Cyrus has a secret meeting with Rowan. You know how Fitz and Jake Ballard are super tight buds from their Navy days? Turns out they flew a mission together, and something HAPPENED on that mission, and now Cyrus knows what it was, even if we don't. And it shocks even Cyrus.

the season premier of once upon a time

Welcome to the third season of Once Upon A Time. While they beat pilots, I'm not particularly fond of season premieres. "The Heart of the Truest Believer" is an exception. From the cold open, it engaged me far more than I expected and made me see the show from a fresher perspective: this show tells Emma's fairy tale.
I'm both sure I'm not the first person to have thought or said so, and this isn't even the first time I've thought it, but throughout season 2 I forgot all about it and that's where I think last season suffered. Emma, who grew up in the stark reality of Our World is our gateway to this magical multiverse. When an episode or plot-line forgets about Emma, it forsakes us. No matter how deliciously devilish Regina, Rumpy, Cora, etc. can be, no matter how noble Snow and Charming, no matter how well done flashbacks are, Emma needs to be the heart of this show, because this is her story, every bit as much as Sleeping Beauty is the story of Princess Aurora, or Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs is Snow White's.
Once Upon A Time, in a far away land, a royal family awaited the birth of their first child... For while the family's bravery and beneficence inspired both admiration and loyalty among their subjects and peers, their land was not free from the evil with which even the best do daily battle. As the child made her very entry into her world, that world was enveloped by the Dark Curse, cast by a vengeful Queen who had a generational blood feud against the child's mother -- a feud contrived by a crafty outsider -- the Dark One -- for a purpose all his own. Since the royal child was prophesied to be the savior who could rescue the people from the Dark Curse, the parents -- aided by their most loyal subjects, and one mostly loyal subject -- made arrangements to transport their child to a world beyond that curse's reach -- a land without magic.
When this child, a girl, came into the world her parents named her Emma. They entrusted the wee princess's safety to an enchanted wardrobe which transported her out of harm's way -- at least out of the reach of the Dark Curse. In her new world, the baby was abandoned by the one person who was supposed to protect her, and was shunted off to the custody of strangers who were more concerned with their monthly stipend from the State than with the care and nurture of the princess in their midst.
Though she grew fair in form and face, no one recognized either Emma's station or strength. No one recognized her innate power which bubbled up from her very heart. In this land without magic, no one realized that Emma -- made of true love, herself -- was magic incarnate. No one saw Emma's worth, until one day she met a man who, unbeknownst to her, came from her homeland -- a homeland about which she knew nothing. These two foundlings fell in love and planned for a future in which they hoped to live happily ever after In a misguided attempt to right the wrong he'd committed when Emma was just a baby, the person who had once abandoned her, enticed her true love to also abandon her so that she would be free to fulfill her destiny. Alone, unjustly imprisoned, and expecting a child of her own, Princess Emma had to find her way along a path she didn't even know she existed, which would lead her to worlds she couldn't even imagine. This is her story. This is Emma's story. Please remember that,
Eleven years ago. Under the watchful eye of a prison guard, Emma gives birth to her firstborn son at 8:15. The magic that exudes from her every pore shorts out lights in the delivery room. Knowing she is unable to give him his best chance at life, she refuses even to hold her baby for fear that if she does she will never let go. As the doctor takes the lad away, Emma cries.
Present day. On the Jolly Roger, Captain Hook takes Emma, Snow, Charming, Regina and Mr. Gold through a magical portal. They arrive off the shores of Neverland. Title card.
Henry reaches the end of his own portal, accompanied by the two-headed plot monster known and Tamara and Greg...Owen...GROAN. Because Henry knows his family is from the Enchanted Forest, he is confident they will find him because finding their loved ones is how they do. The two-headed monster reveals that they are not in the Enchanted Forest, but rather, Neverland, and they're there to destroy it, they think, because it is the motherlode of all magic. When they try to contact the "Home Office" on a handheld device, they fail, because it is just a prop with sand where the batteries should be. As he's been doing since they landed, Henry points out how foolish the two-headed monster has been, in failing to ask questions. There are none so blind as they who won't see, so the two-headed monster orders the boy to walk into the jungle. We cut to the...
Jolly Roger. Regina and Hook trade barbs and stories. The irony that Hook has willingly transported his sworn enemy (Rumpy) back to the place Hook spent so long trying to leave, is not lost on the sexy swashbuckler. "It's not quite the happy ending I was hoping for." Regina mentions that GROAN said something "funny" to her. "He said I'm a villain, and that villains don't get happy endings. Do you believe that?" Hook hopes not or they've wasted their lives. Get in line, Killian.
Snow and Charming approach Emma, who is staring out to sea lost in her thoughts. They assure her that what happened to Neal and Henry is not her fault. Snow says, "You can't blame yourself." Face tight, Emma turns to face her parents. "I don't. I blame you. All this happened because I listened to you. You say good always wins. It doesn't. I didn't grow up in some fairy tale land. My experience is different. That's all I can go on." Snow understands and says all they have to go on is their own experience, then adds, "So if you would just let us share our wisdomEmma cuts her off. "I appreciate you trying to be parents, but we're the same age. We have equal amounts of wisdom. I should never have broken the curse. I should have just taken Henry and..." Like daughter, like mother. Snow interrupts and acknowledges the truth in Emma's words. After all, she and Charming missed their chance to rear Emma, and it haunts them still. Charming assures his daughter they'll reunite their family. Emma is put off by their optimism and points out how even since the curse was broken their lives have sucked. Snow says, "Emma, the minute I let go of the belief that things will get better is the minute I know they won't." That has three different meanings, one of which amounts to nothing, but I can't think about it too hard or I get dizzy.
When Snow promises Emma they'll find Henry, Rumpy appears and says, "No you won't." He's already had enough of team work. He's going rogue, because he wants to succeed. Emma wonders why he thinks she'll fail. Rumpy says, "How could you not? You don't believe in your parents, or in magic -- not even yourself." When she argues that she had the faith to slay a dragon, Rumpy points out she only believes what's been shown to her. "When have you ever taken a real leap of faith? You know -- the kind where there's absolutely no proof." Well, there was the time she kissed her son, saved his life and broke the curse, but Rumpy's stumping, so he's got no time to listen to me. "I've known you some time, Miss Swan, and sadly, despite everything you've been through you're still just a...bail bonds person looking for evidence. Well, dearie, that's not going to work in Neverland." When Emma insists she'll do what it takes, Rumpy hisses that she needs someone to tell her what that is. "Sorry, dearie, our foe is too fearsome for hand-holding. Neverland is a place where imagination runs wild, and sadly, yours doesn't." Yeoch. I mean, that's probably true, but ouch. At that he spins his walking stick and disappears. The stick falls to the deck. We cut to...
Neverland. As GROAN lights a signal fire, Henry asks if they're having S'mores because...I guess some of his brains got sucked out by the portal. Tamara wonders if the empty hand-held communicator was no accident, because perhaps she ended up with Henry's missing grey matter. GROAN sneers a warning not to let the kid get in her head. Too late, dude. She's almost a sentient being, now. Before he can close his mouth, the group is surrounded by hooded young men. Their leader, Felix (Parker Croft) announces, "We're the Home Office. Welcome to Neverland."
Tamara is disturbed that the Home Office consists of a bunch of teenagers. Henry corrects her. "They're the Lost Boys." They want Henry. Tamara says before they hand him over, they want to know how they're getting home. Felix reveals they won't get home. When GROAN refuses to hand over Henry, Felix scoffs. Just then a shadow descends from the heavens, snatches GROAN's shadow, and flies away with it. GROAN falls to the ground. He's seemingly dead, but since Once Upon A Time in Storybrooke he was little, lost boy, Owen, I can't help but wonder (worry) if we'll see more of him in the future. Seeing GROAN fall, Tamara orders Henry to run. As she follows, she is struck in the back by an arrow. Dare I hope at least that she's gone? Clap your hands if you believe. Commercial.
Henry, hands still bound, runs through the jungle until he falls and is snatched up by a boy older than he (played by Robbie Kay). We're supposed to think he's just another fugitive, but I knew right away he was SPOILER: Peter Pan, so I'm not going to pretend you didn't catch on, either (although my husband didn't, but in his defense, he was taking a break from packing for a business trip, and his mind was elsewhere.) Peter lies to Henry that he is an escaped Lost Boy and says there is no time for further questions. They have to keep moving. We cut to the...
Jolly Roger. Hook finds Emma below deck. She's doing chin-ups and can I just say I covet Jennifer Morrison's arms. They're firm, tone, defined and yet still look soft. Hook gives Emma Baelfire's sword, so she can prepare for the coming fight. When she says she only knew him as Neal, Hook pours her a drink and they drink to Neal. We cut to the...
Enchanted Forest. When Neal wakes on Aurora's former funeral bier or platform, or really uncomfortable bed, he's surrounded by Mulan, Aurora and Phillip. Upon learning he's in the Enchanted Forest, Neal whispers, "I'm back." Mulan assumes he's lying, because she recognizes his clothing as being of the same style and Emma and Snow's. Upon hearing Emma's name, he asks if she's knows Emma Swan. Mulan deflects and ask how Neal knows Emma. He gets agitated as he tries to answer and struggles to sit up. Phillip misdiagnoses Neal's gunshot wound as an arrow wound and recommends rest. Neal makes a crack about it being a .45 caliber arrow, which goes over like...well, like lead, since his present company doesn't know from guns. It really is an Enchanted Forest.
Neal asks for their help. He needs to know Emma and Henry are all right. Aurora realizes Neal is Henry's father and tells him about how Snow taught her to navigate the aftereffects of the Sleeping Curse. She will walk the dream world and try to make contact with his family. Should she succeed, Aurora wants to know what she should tell Emma. Neal says, "Tell Emma I'm alive... and that I love her." We cut back to the...
Jolly Roger. Hook fills Emma in on a little bit of his time with Baelfire, but their conversation is cut short when the ship begins to pitch. Up on deck, Regina yells at Snow and Charming, even as they're trying to steady the ship. When Hook arrives, he grabs the wheel and orders his makeshift crew to grab any weapon they can find; they're under attack. You know what's fun for you, and annoying for those around you? Take a thumb tack, hold it over someone's head and shout, "You're under a tack!" See, Tubey hired me for my wit. Over screeching sounds coming from the sea, Emma asks if they're facing a shark. Snow wonders if it's a whale. Charming asks if it's a kraken. The entire audience yells, "Unleash the kraken!" Hook says it's worse than that. "Mermaids!"
As Hook tries to outrun the mermaids, Charming declares, "I will not be capsized by fish," and mans the cannon. Emma and Snow grab a fishing net and throw it overboard. When they've caught one, Regina is unimpressed. Having had enough, she unleashes her magical fireballs into the deep, and chases away the rest of their assailants, then magics the net back on deck. In it is a nameless mermaid (Natasha Wilson). I'm not familiar with her work, but she's pretty good at jerking her body like the proverbial fish out of water. We cut to...

Neverland. Pan leads an unsuspecting Henry through the jungle away from the Lost Boys. When they take a break, Henry explains that he was kidnapped by people who work for Pan. Pan says, "If Pan wants you, he will get you." When Henry asks his supposed fellow fugitive if he is wanted by Pan, Pan lies that he stole pixie dust so he could try home, but it wouldn't work. When Pan pretends to despair at their situation, Henry encourages his not to lose hope and asks where they can hide. Pan says they can hide in the Echo Caves, if only they can get there. Henry tells him to lead the way. We cut to the...
Enchanted Forest. Neal fills Mulan in on portal travel and the land without magic. He tells her that her legend had made it over there. "They made a movie about you. It's pretty good." Mulan deadpans, "What's a movie?" Neal is at a loss for words, but his awkward moment is cut short when Aurora awakens and reports she failed to make contact with anyone in her dreams. Cue Tchaikovsky. Neal is certain his father must have left something behind that he could use to contact Emma. He just has to get to his castle. Phillip asks, "Who's your father?" Voice grim, Neal says, "Rumpelstiltskin." We cut to...
Neverland. Rumpy finds Tamara, who I am sad to report is still alive. He magically removes the arrow from her back and asks her where Henry is. Finally free from pain, Tamara tells Rumpy that she told Henry to run, because Pan is after him and was behind all of this. She confesses she didn't know for whom she was working and says she's sorry about Neal. Crouching down beside her, Rumpy acknowledges Tamara was only a pawn. She asks if he can forgive her. Oh Rumpy, I often root for your redemption, but right now, I feel like praying a modified version of St. Augustine's, "Grant me chastity and continence, but not yet." Never one to disappoint, Rumpy keeps his voice low and gentle, answers, "No," rips Tamara's heart out of her chest, and crushes it to dust. Hurrah! Commercial.
Jolly Roger. Hook and Charming think they need to throw the mermaid back into the sea, but Regina wants a hostage. As this unlikely team debates the usefulness of this plan (Regina, of course, wastes no time suggesting torture), the mermaid grabs her conch shell and blows into it to sound a warming. "Let me go, or die." We cut to the...
Enchanted Forest. Mulan is leading Neal across an arid stretch that could be the remains of Lake Nostos, as he admits he doesn't know how to explain what a movie is. Um, it is pictures that move, such that you're looking at something play out as if it's happening before your eyes, Neal. I think you could give her a bare bones explanation. Mulan must smell the incompetence oozing from him, so she asks why Emma never mentioned him when she was in the Enchanted Forest. Neal confesses he broke Emma's heart. "I let her go so that she could break the curse and fulfill her destiny. When it was broken, I could have gone after her. I could have told her I loved her, but I was afraid she would never forgive me, so I wound up taking the easy way out -- which is not trying." Mulan decides to play Neal-Apologist in chief. "Your belief in love wasn't strong enough to overcome your fear of rejection." Neal appreciates the assist and piles it on a little thicker. "Greatest regret of my life. Not one I'd wish upon anyone." Nice try writers, but it's even worse than that. He let her go to prison for crimes HE committed. He should have convinced August to go with him and tell Emma about her destiny and then leave the decision to believe them or not in her hands. She might have laughed them off as con men, but at least then they would have done their best. That's what really happened. Still, Mulan is touched by his sob story. We cut to the...
Jungle. With the Lost Boys hot on their trail, Henry and Pan continue to run. We cut to the...
Jolly Roger. The crew argues about how to get the mermaid to talk. Just knowing these characters, you know who is in favor of compassion and who isn't. The mermaid isn't having any of it, though and demands to be freed. Regina says if they free the mermaid, she will return with her friends to kill them. Since Regina easily chased them off with fireballs I'm not sure why she, in particular, is worried about their return. The mermaid says she and her friends don't need to kill them, they'll do it on their own, then again demands her freedom. Lightning strikes. A storm bursts. Hook says they have to hold onto the mermaid as leverage. Charming draws a sword, holds it to the mermaid's throat and demands that she stop the storm. Regina pats him on the back and tells him, "Now, filet the bitch." Charming mightn't be the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, but he knows when Regina's his cheering squad he'd better try again. He backs off and says they're not barbarians.
Hook turns the ship to try to outrun the storm. As Snow and Regina bicker, the storm intensifies. Emma tries to get everyone to stop and think things through. Declaring he already has, Regina waves her hand and the mermaid turns to wood. The weather worsens. A monster wave bears down on the Jolly Roger. Emma yells, "Regina, what did you do? What have you done?" With Ethan Embry's GROAN is still in my mind, I want desperately to tell one of these characters that they're doing, "That Thing You Do." Emma's questions are the closest I've gotten, but it still feels like too much of a reach, so I'm confessing here, in hopes of ridding myself of the earworm. Anyhow, everyone grabs hold of the rigging and the water washes over them. Commercial.
Enchanted Forest. Rumpy's Estate. Once inside the drawing room, Mulan says it looks abandoned. Neal spies a goblet, dips his finger, tastes the wine and realizes someone is there. Is it just my eyes, or is this whole room computer generated? I don't remember it all looking like that during the Rumpy/Belle flashbacks (although maybe the library was). Oh well, while I've been wondering about nonsense, Neal and Mulan have been discovered. An arrow lands in the wall about two inches in front of Neal's face. Mulan draws her weapon. An entirely new Robin Hood (now played by Sean Maguire), having makes his presence known, introduces himself as Robin. Neal realizes he's Robin Hood. Robin asks why they're trespassing in his castle. Mulan argues that it's the Dark One's. Robin says the Dark One has been missing since the Queen cast her curse. Neal says Robin is welcome to the castle, he just needs to look around for a bit. When Robin asks, Neal introduces himself as Baelfire and says he's the Dark One's son. Robin figures no one would lie about that so he lowers his bow and give Neal leave to continue his search. They talk about Robin's previous confrontation with the Dark One, who eventually spared his life.
Neal explains he's looking for a magical item in the now looted room. Spotting his father's old, rough-hewn staff on the floor, he picks it up. Mulan wonders how it could be magical at all. Neal says it's his father's and points out the notches Rumpy etched to mark his son's growth, then swings it around. The magic uncloaks a hidden cupboard. The stick is enchanted with blood magic, which is how Neal is able to wield it while Robin or any other looter could not. As Neal approaches the cabinet, we cut to the...
Jolly Roger. As the argument between Regina and Snow intensifies, so does the storm. There are a lot of accusations of life ruining and the women trade blows. Charming and Hook insert themselves and are soon squaring off against each other. Manning the wheel, solo, Emma looks from the raging sea to her fell crew members and realizes, "It's not the mermaids, it's us." No one listens, so she screams that if they don't stop fighting they're going to die. They're causing the very storm that will take their lives. When the refuse to listen, Emma climbs up on the ship's rail and dives into the ocean. The gang stops fighting long enough to shout after her and look overboard. Just then, a piece of rigging lets go. A heavy metal pulley (I guess) falls into the drink behind her and hits her on the head. The crew gasps. We cut to...
Neverland. Pan and Henry find themselves boxed in at a cliff's edge. Henry snatches the pixie dust from the lanyard around Pan's neck and says it's their way out. Since pixie dust will make them fly, all they have to do is believe. Pan lies that he can't believe. Henry has enough faith for both of them. He sprinkles them with the dust, grabs Pan, jumps off the cliff and the fly off into commercial.
Jolly Roger. Snow screams as Emma disappears under the water, then begs Regina to magic Emma back on board, but Regina says (and might even mean it when she does) that she can't. Since she can't see Emma, "...I'll just bring up water and half her leg." Charming is ready to jump overboard, but Hook realizes he'll drown too, so he ties a rope around our dashing prince, so he can pull him back to safety. Under water, Charming finally finds Emma, grabs her and brings her to the surface. Hook, Regina and Snow work together to fish father and daughter out of the drink. Emma is unconscious until she coughs up water, to the delight of her parents and companions. The clouds dissipate. The moon appears. Still breathless, Emma smiles and looks at them, eyes wide. "I told you." We cut to...
Neverland. In the jungle, Rumpy casually strolls until he finds a place to sit and beckons, "Come out and say hello, dearie." Felix appears and tells Rumpy that Pan welcomes him to stay as long as he'd like with one caveat. If Rumpy is there for the boy, that will make him Pan's enemy. "If you go against him, you will not survive." Rumpy laughs. "The question isn't, 'will I survive', because we both know I won't. No, no. The real question is how many of you I take with me." Felix asks if that's his answer. Rumpy confirms it, so Felix promises to see him again in less friendly circumstances. Walking away, Rumpy says, "Count on it." Felix calls after him, "One last thing. There's something he wanted you to have." He throws a straw doll at Rumpy's feet. It's clothed in blue. Rumpy stoops to pick it up. Tears fill his eyes. Felix crouches so they're eye-to-eye and says, "Isn't it funny? The things we haven't thought about in years still have the ability to make us cry." He laughs as Rumpy softly sobs, then takes his leave. Am I supposed to remember that doll? I didn't get a chance to read our boards this week. Was that once Bae's doll? Was it Rumpy's? Do we know? I sure don't. We cut to the...
Enchanted Forest. Rumpy's Castle. Neal opens the now unhidden cupboard and scans its cobwebbed contents until he finds what looks to be a snow globe, but is actually a crystal ball. After a bitter laugh that how he spent his life running from magic only to realize it's now the only thing that can help him, he lays his hands on the ball and closes his eyes. It fills with magical smoke, but when the smoke clears, the ball is empty. Neal picks it up and asks why it's not working. Mulan advises that he not think of a place, and instead think of Emma. When Neal tries again, it works. He sees Emma in the middle of a jungle, and says, "Oh, no. It can't be. [...] That's not Storybrooke. Emma's in Neverland. We cut to...
Neverland. Now ashore, Regina says they can still carry out Hook's planned sneak attack, but Emma realizes it's too late. Pan must know they're there. "It's time we stopped running. Gold was right. This land is run on belief. All of us have been too busy being at each others' throats to be believers. I was as wrong as anyone else. It's time for all of us to believe -- not in magic, but in each other." Regina can't believe Emma thinks they can be friends after all that has passed. Emma clarifies that she's not talking about friendship. "I know there's a lot of history here and a lot of hate." Hook butts in. "Actually, I quite fancy you from time to time when you're not yelling at me." Emma ignores the flirtatious attempt and continues. "We don't need to be friends. What we need to know is the only way to get Henry back is cooperation."What an effective, engaging, emotional premiere. I find myself believing in season 3. I'm still getting back into the recap swing, so I'm going to stop here, and savor the good taste 5.1 has left in my mouth. I'll see you Monday morning with my review of episode 5.2, "Lost Girl." You believe me, don't you? Just clap your hands and say you believe.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER- season 9 episode 2 let them eat cake

So we pick up an hour after we were in the car with Ted and Lily, which means that they had a fight and Lily got on some non-existent Long Island bullet train to get to this hotel. Seriously. Getting to the Hamptons from NYC does not take an hour. Particularly driving under speed limit or taking the train that stops at every little weird town out there. The two are at the front desk talking to Curtis (Roger Bart), who feels sorry for pathetically single Ted and suggests that he stay in a motel instead of this lovely romantic resort. I take issue with this since I would presume that Ted (as the best man) is part of some wedding room booking package and should be treated somewhat decently. Maybe even with a welcome bag in his room or something. Lily is treated nicer, until she flips out when she finds out Marshall is delayed. She heads to the bar and gets hooked up with the Kennedy package, which means she'll never be without a drink in her hand.

Marshall calls Barney about the problems with the flight. Barney insists that the normally nice Minnesotan should bring out his angry New Yorker and take down Sherri Shepherd for that seat, because it is a holiday weekend and seats are hard to come by. So my rant in the first episode about this being on a Sunday night is made even worse, because of the reminder that this is a holiday weekend. So now you have Monday off, but tickets and hotels are significantly more expensive and airports are more crowded and you lose a rare three-day weekend in order to stay in a hotel in Farhampton where the guy at the front desk is going to be a dick to you unless you are in a happy couple. Can I sign up for the Kennedy package to help calm my aggravation?

And it turns out that it doesn't matter if Marshall is nice, because all the flights (including the one that is leaving two minutes after the one they were supposed to be on) have been cancelled because of an incoming storm (mind you that when we see outside the airport later no one is even wearing jackets and it is sunny out). So he and Sherri Shepherd race to rent a car. She throws his luggage to delay him, but thanks to his prayer for a miracle he gets the last car and she's out of luck. But there are no baby seats left in the place, so Sherri Shepherd offers to take the gas-guzzling Monstrosity, that hurts Marshall's environmental loving soul, to go to the store to get a car seat and then they can drive together. It seems like she's taken off with the car, and the money, but she does return eventually demanding that she controls the music and he pays for the sure to be ridiculous gas bill.

Barney is telling his friends (and his brother James) about the Stinson curse, where in 1807 he and James were in a carriage in Russia that ran over a gypsy lady and she made them perpetually horny and unable to stay in a committed relationship. He says that James is the one that broke that curse by getting married to Tom, and it is even their anniversary on Sunday as well. But when Barney walks away James reveals that he's getting a divorce. Robin offers up her "gay at weddings" cousin if he'll keep his mouth shut, but a drunk Lily spills the beans. Barney handles it well, though he does take off to deal with the surprise life-size naked marzipan sculpture that he had made of Tom and James. These erotic cakes led to the only line that has made me laugh in two episodes, "Would it be alright if I nibbled on your brother's ding-dong?" So that's something. And about the only thing.

Then we see Ted wistfully talking about how he won't always be single to James, and then doing a crossword puzzle alone. And we see The Mother sitting next to him, but it is FutureMother, who is there with FutureTed. They are at the hotel a year later to celebrate the weekend that they met. It's ridiculously sappy, but at least we get to see Ted and The Mother together after all these years.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER-season 9 episode 1 THE HOME STRETCH

The title card tells us that it is 11 AM on a Friday and just 55 hours before the wedding, which means in my half-assed math that the wedding will be Sunday at 6 PM? That's stupid. I hate Sunday evening weddings. You have to take Monday off from work and it's really inconvenient for everyone involved, but I guess I'd expect nothing but selfishness from Barney and Robin at this point.

Lily and Ted are in a car driving out to Farhampton, and Ted's sporting his driving gloves and rattling off ridiculous facts about Long Island. He also keeps stopping at hole-in-the-wall places with butter churning and that sort of nonsense. Lily gets so disgusted that she starts banging her head into the side of the car (kind of like I am with my coffee table at having to watch this show still) and begs him to let her off at the train station.

On the train she starts muttering about the passive aggressive pictures that Marshall's mom keeps posting about baby Marvin, and upon hearing the words "unicorn" and "lonely", The Mother interrupts her and asks her if she wants a cookie. Specifically, it was a Sumbitch cookie, which is filled with chocolate and peanut butter and caramel. (I feel like someone at CBS needs to send a batch of those to me, stat).

The two become fast friends, as Lily regales The Mother with the tale of how her friend Ted pissed her off. We even learn that The Mother loves driving gloves and stupid roadside attractions, but doesn't like slow driving and in the future gives Ted the nickname "Lady Tedwina Slowsby." At some point The Mother realizes that Ted was trying to get rid of Lily, and Lily thinks it has to do with The locket. You know, the one they were digging in Central Park for last season that I had hoped we were done with? That one.

So Lily hightails it to the wedding and tackles Ted before he can give a box to Robin, but it turns out that the box contains nothing more than a picture frame of the gang all together eight years prior. But we see that Ted days before did go to great lengths, even flying to LA to go through Stella's storage units (please tell me we get a Storage Wars cameo out of this at some point) to find the missing locket. Ted may turn out to be the big wildcard that Robin and Barney were worried about.

The soon-to-be newlyweds are in a town car (being driven by Ranjeet, of course) and having a bit of a panic about the fact that their wedding could be ruined by any number of relatives, including maybe a ring bear (yes, bear) and a woman on a moose. At some point in the conversation they realize that they share a cousin Mitch. (Remember when we learned that Barney was a little bit Canadian a long time back?). They both get awkward and decide that being related is OK since they aren't having children and Barney tries the King-Joffrey-turned-out-fine argument. But they finally get through to a family member who tells them that the cousin was adopted and there's like seven layers between them, and no blood, so they can get married without the ickiness.

Marshall has the stupidest storyline. He's on a plane back from Minnesota and his mother posts a picture on Facebook (or whatever knockoff this show uses) and it is announcing that he's going to be a judge, and Marshall hasn't had the "Italy or Judge" conversation with his wife yet. So he spends a lot of time annoying Sherri Shepherd, and trying to get his mother to stop looking at porn so she can take down the picture before Lily sees it. He gets thrown off the plane, as does Sherri Shepherd, and they find out there's only one seat on the last flight of the night (why they couldn't take one Saturday morning since he's clearly got time beats me, but whatever). The two start racing across the airport, so we've got that to look forward to.

Suits-Beam Yourself Up, Scottie

Harvey finds Scottie at a hotel bar and sits down across from her, looking uncharacteristically sheepish. He painfully utters an apology for not believing her when she was telling the truth about not having any part in the firm getting fired and then sued for malpractice by Ava Hessington. He maintains that he wasn't wrong to think she might do it, and advises her go ahead with the dissolution and get out herself, before Darby International goes down in flames. She's still loyal to Darby, and asks if he would bail on his mentor like he's suggesting she do. He says he would, if that mentor sanctioned murder. For now, all Scottie will agree to do is figure out a plan to fight Ava's lawsuit together. It's a start.

At Rachel's apartment, Mike is being pretty quiet, even pissy in the wake of Rachel's revelation that she got into Stanford. He admits that he said he'd support any decision she made, but thought that California was off the table when Rachel got into Columbia. "And we said we love each other." Rachel says it's not that, and that she's trying to decide which school is best using her own pros and cons list without factoring in anything else. Like, you know, Mike. He tells her that she's going to have to factor him in at some point. True, but Mike probably needs to improve his attitude so he stays on the pro list rather than the con.

The next morning in his office, Harvey tells Jessica that he doesn't want to start another war with Scottie and would rather go with her plan. Jessica's not feeling that, saying they're not going to win a case where Edward Darby sanctioned murder, so she says Harvey is going to have to privately talk Ava Hessington out of suing her and Harvey, at least. "What about when Scottie finds out?" he wonders. Jessica's wordless exit is all the answer he's going to get, which is that it's his problem.

Harvey is shown into the expansive office where he used to meet with Ava Hessington, but she's not there; Travis Tanner is, of all people. He's there representing Ava, and he tells Harvey that she's not letting the suit go. Harvey accuses Tanner of using this as an excuse to try to beat Harvey again. Tanner admits that he saw this as a chance to take Harvey's lunch money. Harvey flips a quarter out of his pocket and tells Tanner to call his mom to tell her to get the tissues ready. "Because you're 0 and 2 against me, and the 0 isn't the number that's gonna change." Ooh, sick burn. Sick, wordy, burn.

Back at the firm, Mike asks Harvey whether he's going after Ava or Tanner, but Harvey says they're going to wait until Tanner deposes him and see what's up. Mike is itching for an assignment in a way that makes Harvey realize he's got girlfriend trouble, and mocks him for it as though Mike's still in high school. Mike points out that people also have girlfriends after high school, not that Harvey would know, not having graduated from high school emotionally. "Because the only thing you ever graduated from is high school," Harvey says. Mike: "Why you gotta go there, man?"

Sheila Sazs from Harvard is in a hotel suite-slash-war room with Louis, showing him some candidate selection software. She invites him into the bedroom, but he says he needs to focus. Yet all it takes to get him interested is for her to show Louis some pictures -- of Louis -- including one from his Harvard days, and another one of him wielding a sword in chain mail. Should have known Louis was a LARP-er. She says there are already fifty of those photos taped to the ceiling. "You won't be looking at the ceiling," Louis says. TMI!

Jessica meets with Scottie at the firm to advise her to keep her cool, not that Scottie thinks she needs the advice. Jessica warns her that Tanner is going to try to get under her skin, like the time he provoked Harvey into punching Tanner in the face. "And if Harvey hadn't done it, I might have." She gives Scottie a little background on Tanner's Oedipal insinuations on that occasion, to alert Scottie that Tanner isn't above getting personal. Or above anything, really.

In Rachel's office, she's trying to show Mike that it can work if she decides to go to Stanford -- again, a decision she's trying to make totally separately from wanting to be with Mike. He's a little more gloom and doom, saying he doesn't know anyone who's ever made a long-distance relationship work. "You choose to go to Stanford, it most likely means we're done." Well, as long as he isn't pressuring her. Jessica, out in the hall, sees him leave her office. Look who just found her way into this particular loop.

After they've finished in bed, Sheila shows Louis the CV of a prize candidate he loves, that she's apparently been saving for him. She invites him to skip work the rest of the day, but he's already feeling guilty about the 77 minutes he just took off, and says he has to go. She hands him the folder and tips her face up for a kiss, but all she gets is a professional "thank you." Clearly not what she was looking for.

Jessica stops by Harvey's office, ostensibly looking for him, but actually just to pump Donna for information. She starts by asking idly about some harmless office gossip about some random, non-speaking employees, and then segues into, "How long have Mike Ross and Rachel Zane been dating?" Donna knows this just got real, but all she can say is, "Uh, a few months." Jessica pursues the thread until she concludes that "He told Robert Zane's daughter his secret." Donna tries to do damage control, and Jessica tells her in no uncertain terms that Donna isn't to say anything to Mike or Rachel about this. "I won't say a word," Donna promises, probably already trying to figure out how to issue the warning some other way.

Mike shows up at Harvey's apartment early in the morning, looking like hell after a sleepless night and wanting to talk personal stuff. Namely, how Harvey avoids letting people in, and has all these relationships without being affected by it. Harvey claims to have a picture of Dorian Gray in his closet, which doesn't amuse Mike. "I wasn't joking," Harvey says. "I was trying to get you to leave so I could have my morning without you judging me." Harvey says he doesn't talk about it, and he keeps his personal life and his business separate. When Mike whines that that isn't working for him, Harvey suggests he call Dr. Phil. "I don't know everything about everything," Harvey says, which is about as vulnerable as he gets. "You want to know how to be a lawyer, I'm your man. You want to know how to deal with love, that's not my area." But he does invite Mike to hang out and take the morning off with Harvey's coffee and bagels. Wow, I think we just realized that Harvey loves Mike.

Louis asks Sheila why his prize candidate is getting offers from seven other firms, and whether it's about his shutting her down before. She points out that she never made any exclusive arrangement with him, and after some veiled repartee about whether they are or not, which is veiled only to Louis, Sheila says that after she's done talking to him, no way will Louis's dream grad join Pearson Darby Specter, "Or whatever bullshit name you're calling yourselves this week." Heh. You go, Sheila.

Harvey and Ava end up in the conference room together after they've both showed up early for the deposition. Harvey still thinks Tanner talked Ava into the malpractice suit, but Ava assures her that this was a result of Harvey's own actions. Well, those of his firm, or rather the partner he never wanted to merge with anyway. She lectures him about how his tactics of intimidation backfired on her, and now they won't work against her new attack dog either. And that was about all she had to say. "So you came here just to vent at me?" Harvey asks. No, she came to see if Harvey is sorry about the way he handled things. Nope, Ava, Harvey's probably all full up on sorry for this season.

A short time later, the parties are present for the deposition, with Scottie, Harvey, and Jessica sitting across from Travis Tanner. Tanner starts right in on Harvey's "side deal" with Darby to take over from Jessica if he won Ava's case. He claims unconvincingly that it was a conflict of interest, and accuses Harvey of knowing from the start that he couldn't lose because he knew Stephen Huntley's murders would be discovered, which, even though Tanner claims to have evidence that Harvey did know, we all know better. And then he tells Scottie that Harvey tried to make his own deal with Ava a few days ago behind Scottie's back. (It seems like Harvey would have seen that coming and confessed to Scottie before now). Luckily for him Scottie plays it cool, but Tanner keeps pushing, getting more and more personal by bringing up how Scottie was engaged the last time she and Harvey hooked up. "Come after me, Tanner," Harvey says. Tanner has decided he's done enough, though.

Later that evening, Mike comes to Rachel's office to ask her for a copy of the deposition, which is his way of showing her that he's giving her space. Not really working, until Mike says that he's going to respect Rachel's process. He says he went to see Harvey earlier, and though he didn't get any advice from him, he realized that he's going to lose Rachel if he's Harvey, and he'll push her away if he's Mike. "You go to Stanford, we'll beat the odds." That seems to be just what she wanted to hear. Not sure why that was so hard.

Scottie comes to Harvey's office, and without Tanner in the room she's got no reason not to yell at him for screwing her and Darby. Harvey reminds her that he tried to include her in that deal and she turned him down, and says that Tanner is just trying to turn them against each other. He says he didn't have a choice. "And neither do you. You just haven't seen that yet." Maybe clear it up for her by being condescending, Harvey.

Louis intercepts Mike in the hallway and tries to get him to convince his favorite candidate to come to the firm. Mike obviously can't help, not knowing the guy, though he claims that they were in different years when of course we all know that Mike's year at Harvard was aught-never. Louis follows Mike all the way down to the bullpen saying this is really about Sheila Sazs. "What about it? I mean her?" Mike asks. Louis tells Mike what happened, and even through his crabbed view of the situation, Mike manages to read that Sheila wants an exclusive relationship with Louis, personally. Louis starts to mansplain to Mike about women until he realizes, "Holy shit, it was staring me right in the face." Yes. Yes, it was.

Travis Tanner meets Scottie on the sidewalk, offering her a coffee. She makes a crack about how it likely has a roofie in it, but Tanner is making a peace offering to join him against Harvey. He just wants her to say Harvey knew about Stephen Huntley's involvement in the murders two months ago. Scottie says she's betrayed Harvey once and is done now, so Tanner presents her with a subpoena of her own. She should have known he'd have a stick to go with the carrot.

Cut to Tanner deposing Scottie, asking her about Harvey's feelings on the merger while she's flanked by Jessica and Harvey. He starts right in, mocking Scottie and trying to get her to admit that she wanted Harvey to fall in love with her. Jessica and Harvey both defend her, as Tanner accuses Scottie of setting up the merger to get back at Harvey, and is dramatically skeptical of Scottie's ignorance in the murders. Scottie says that both Darby and Stephen kept her in the dark on that, so Tanner presents an affidavit from Stephen Huntley saying that Scottie knew all about it. Harvey says that's a lie and calls a halt. And Scottie got all the way to the end of that without losing her cool. Which is why she's better than Harvey.

Donna comes down to visit Mike in the bullpen, supposedly to talk about Scottie's deposition, but really because she wants to talk to Stephen and she knows Harvey would say no. Mike also thinks it's a bad idea, though Donna claims she's trying to protect both Scottie and Harvey. "Because he may not know how he feels but I do." And no, you didn't miss her coded warning to Mike about Jessica unless I did too.

Stephen is ushered into the visiting room at the prison to see Mike and Donna waiting there for him…with the affidavit. They ask him what Tanner offered him in exchange for his lie about Scottie, and he claims that Scottie was his boss, so she should have known. That argument gets less tedious every time somebody makes it this season. Mike says this is just trying to make Darby's testimony look like a lie, which of course it is because Darby never had the conversation with Stephen about the murders that he's now claiming to have had, and Stephen says so. Donna asks Mike for a minute, and as soon as she's alone with Stephen, she accuses him of lying about Scottie, which he admits to. She says, "If anything you ever said to me was true, please don't do this." He says he's sorry, but he has to. Donna looks through the door at Mike, who comes back in and asks if they have what they need. Which they do, because as Mike points out, every conversation here is recorded, and they just got him admitting that his affidavit was a lie. Are they not worried about his saying that Darby's testimony is also a lie? I guess not, because his credibility is probably not what it once was.

Harvey shows up in his office, picks up the folder on his desk, and exchanges significant looks with Donna at hers. Meanwhile, Mike has a visitor to his apartment: Jessica. She makes with the small talk and finds Rachel's sweater, which allows a slick segue into her purpose for being here: "You told Robert Zane's daughter my business." Hey, lady, you hired Robert Zane's daughter in the first place. Mike assures Jessica that Rachel isn't going to tell anyone, and Jessica wants to make sure of that by handing Mike a document for Rachel to sign. "This puts her in jeopardy," Mike objects. Jessica says that he's the one who did that, which is a fair point. "And if I won't do it?" he asks. She says on her way out, "Then you won't be working for me anymore."

Louis is fielding a phone call from Sheila, who doesn't seem entirely enchanted that he drafted a legal document for their exclusivity thing. She tears it up into the phone and tells him the time for words is over, and it's time for deeds; namely, he needs to figure out where she'll be tomorrow night so he can come tell her in person. She hangs up without giving him a clue. Sounds to me like she still wants more words, though.

Harvey finds Tanner walking down the sidewalk and tells him that they've got proof that Stephen's affidavit is bullshit, so he's got nothing on Scottie now. Tanner's not done, though, telling Harvey, "I'm going to drag her ass through the mud left right and center, and when I'm done no firm will touch her with a ten-foot pole." Tanner admits that he doesn't fight fair, and offers Harvey a document with a settlement offer that he warns has a lot of zeroes. "You just need to decide whether you care more about money or your girlfriend." Is that going to be a hard decision?

That evening in Harvey's office, he tells Scottie that while the affidavit is now off the table, Tanner is going to keep coming at her unless they settle. She looks at the offer and shrugs, "You'll never sign this." Harvey says he actually would if it was up to him, but Jessica won't even consider it. Scottie doesn't buy his concern, saying he thinks she can't take it. "I can't take it!" Harvey says, his voice almost breaking. He begs her to let him try to convince Ava that her enemy is Darby, not himself, so Tanner will stop coming after her. Scottie finally agrees.

Mike shows up at Rachel's apartment, reeking of bad news. He tells her about Jessica's visit, and how Jessica is insisting that Rachel sign an affidavit saying that she knows Mike is a fraud. Rachel says that he's got leverage, but that only works to prevent Jessica from exposing him, not firing him. She sits down next to him on the bed and he apologizes to her for putting her in this position. "And the only way I can see out of it is for you to go to Stanford." Well, add that to the pros and cons list, then.

Time for yet another deposition. This time it's Harvey deposing Ava, with Tanner at her side. He starts by trying to get her to admit that she confessed to bribery to him when they first met. Apparently that's not covered by attorney-client privilege any more, now that she's suing him. Tanner points out that she's suing the firm of Pearson Darby Specter, which Jessica and Scottie point out doesn't exist anymore. Ava says she's after them for what they did to her, and Jessica reminds her that Harvey got her a minimal punishment for bribery, beat her murder rap, and stopped her from bribing more witnesses.

Speaking of which, Harvey asks her if she fired him for refusing to bribe witnesses, which we all know she did. Tanner tells her not to answer, but Harvey says she doesn't have to, because they have witnesses. After a moment, Harvey pauses the camera and stands up to talk to Ava off the record. He comes around the table, saying he doesn't want them coming after each other. He tells her he's sorry he didn't listen to her or believe her and that his history with Cameron blew back on her. "But I am not sorry that I did everything in my power to help you every chance we got. If you don't believe that, keep coming. But if you do, I'm asking you to put your anger where it belongs." That seems to get through to her, and Harvey asks Tanner if he's still got that quarter. All three women in the room look at Harvey all, "Oh, you scamp," but Tanner knows he's beaten.

Later, Harvey comes down to break the news to Mike that they won, but Mike's in rather a mood. He rants about the meaninglessness of it all, and "when some real connection comes along, some little piece of happiness--" he stops short, which is normally Harvey's cue to grow up and get his shit together. But this is apparently a softer Harvey we're getting this week, so he puts a fatherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says he's sorry. He's about to make his escape, but Mike asks, "Did she tell you what she did?" Harvey thinks he means Rachel, which tells Mike she didn't, and he tattles to Harvey that Jessica is basically forcing Rachel to go to Stanford. "She found out about you two," Harvey guesses. Mike says he doesn't want Rachel to go, but there's nothing he can do about it.

But maybe Rachel can. She pays a visit to Jessica herself, with the document, which she has yet to sign. She understands that Jessica's suddenly worried about Robert Zane's daughter, which reminded her of something he says: "Don't sign anything unless you can get something in return." And what Rachel wants is for Jessica to waive the Harvard rule for her after she finishes law school. Jessica says that's the longest-standing rule they have, and Rachel sticks to her guns, saying she's better than most of their associates before even going to law school. Jessica says that Rachel is her father's daughter. "But I don't want to work for him," Rachel says. "I want to work for you." Still?

Harvey and Scottie are back at his apartment, having just celebrated with dinner and drinks. They start reminiscing about the old days, until Scottie asks what he wants. "I want to work with you," he says. Unfortunately, he positions it as wanting to help her, like what she wants is for him to do this as a favor. He maintains that he still cares about her. She gets that, having heard it plenty of times from him lately, but it's not enough and so she says no. "If all you want to do is work with me, I can find a job somewhere else." She starts to leave, but Harvey stops her and says he wants more. "I want you in my life."

Mike opens his apartment door to Rachel, who has apparently waived a rule of her own just coming over here. She comes in, sits down, and says she's finished her list. And the answer is Stanford. Mike starts to talk, and then she rips it up, saying, "I don't need a list to tell me I don't want to be without you." Mike's so happy he doesn't even mind having been jerked around for the last hour.

Louis finds Sheila in the wood-paneled file room at Harvard ,where she appears to have laid out a little dinner for them. She says this is like home to her, and he realizes that this is where she wants him to say he wants to be exclusive with her…which he does. She returns the sentiment, and it's actually kind of sweet, in their usual semi-twisted way. They briefly debate whether it's going to be sex or the picnic first, but before either, she slips out to call her mom, telling Louis not to touch any of the files. Louis waits all of about five seconds after she leaves before opening a drawer and finding Harvey's file, complete with photo. Nice surfer hair, law-school Harvey. "What a douche," Louis sneers at the picture. Then he decides to go look up Mike Ross, but of course there's no file for him. Well, now everyone in the regular cast knows about Mike, and I guess we'll have to wait to see how that plays out when the show comes back for the second half of the season. But I'm sure Louis will handle this discovery with the utmost calm and maturity.