So we pick up an hour after we were in the car with Ted and Lily, which means that they had a fight and Lily got on some non-existent Long Island bullet train to get to this hotel. Seriously. Getting to the Hamptons from NYC does not take an hour. Particularly driving under speed limit or taking the train that stops at every little weird town out there. The two are at the front desk talking to Curtis (Roger Bart), who feels sorry for pathetically single Ted and suggests that he stay in a motel instead of this lovely romantic resort. I take issue with this since I would presume that Ted (as the best man) is part of some wedding room booking package and should be treated somewhat decently. Maybe even with a welcome bag in his room or something. Lily is treated nicer, until she flips out when she finds out Marshall is delayed. She heads to the bar and gets hooked up with the Kennedy package, which means she'll never be without a drink in her hand.
Marshall calls Barney about the problems with the flight. Barney insists that the normally nice Minnesotan should bring out his angry New Yorker and take down Sherri Shepherd for that seat, because it is a holiday weekend and seats are hard to come by. So my rant in the first episode about this being on a Sunday night is made even worse, because of the reminder that this is a holiday weekend. So now you have Monday off, but tickets and hotels are significantly more expensive and airports are more crowded and you lose a rare three-day weekend in order to stay in a hotel in Farhampton where the guy at the front desk is going to be a dick to you unless you are in a happy couple. Can I sign up for the Kennedy package to help calm my aggravation?
And it turns out that it doesn't matter if Marshall is nice, because all the flights (including the one that is leaving two minutes after the one they were supposed to be on) have been cancelled because of an incoming storm (mind you that when we see outside the airport later no one is even wearing jackets and it is sunny out). So he and Sherri Shepherd race to rent a car. She throws his luggage to delay him, but thanks to his prayer for a miracle he gets the last car and she's out of luck. But there are no baby seats left in the place, so Sherri Shepherd offers to take the gas-guzzling Monstrosity, that hurts Marshall's environmental loving soul, to go to the store to get a car seat and then they can drive together. It seems like she's taken off with the car, and the money, but she does return eventually demanding that she controls the music and he pays for the sure to be ridiculous gas bill.
Barney is telling his friends (and his brother James) about the Stinson curse, where in 1807 he and James were in a carriage in Russia that ran over a gypsy lady and she made them perpetually horny and unable to stay in a committed relationship. He says that James is the one that broke that curse by getting married to Tom, and it is even their anniversary on Sunday as well. But when Barney walks away James reveals that he's getting a divorce. Robin offers up her "gay at weddings" cousin if he'll keep his mouth shut, but a drunk Lily spills the beans. Barney handles it well, though he does take off to deal with the surprise life-size naked marzipan sculpture that he had made of Tom and James. These erotic cakes led to the only line that has made me laugh in two episodes, "Would it be alright if I nibbled on your brother's ding-dong?" So that's something. And about the only thing.
Then we see Ted wistfully talking about how he won't always be single to James, and then doing a crossword puzzle alone. And we see The Mother sitting next to him, but it is FutureMother, who is there with FutureTed. They are at the hotel a year later to celebrate the weekend that they met. It's ridiculously sappy, but at least we get to see Ted and The Mother together after all these years.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER-season 9 episode 1 THE HOME STRETCH
The title card tells us that it is 11 AM on a Friday and just 55 hours before the wedding, which means in my half-assed math that the wedding will be Sunday at 6 PM? That's stupid. I hate Sunday evening weddings. You have to take Monday off from work and it's really inconvenient for everyone involved, but I guess I'd expect nothing but selfishness from Barney and Robin at this point.
Lily and Ted are in a car driving out to Farhampton, and Ted's sporting his driving gloves and rattling off ridiculous facts about Long Island. He also keeps stopping at hole-in-the-wall places with butter churning and that sort of nonsense. Lily gets so disgusted that she starts banging her head into the side of the car (kind of like I am with my coffee table at having to watch this show still) and begs him to let her off at the train station.
On the train she starts muttering about the passive aggressive pictures that Marshall's mom keeps posting about baby Marvin, and upon hearing the words "unicorn" and "lonely", The Mother interrupts her and asks her if she wants a cookie. Specifically, it was a Sumbitch cookie, which is filled with chocolate and peanut butter and caramel. (I feel like someone at CBS needs to send a batch of those to me, stat).
The two become fast friends, as Lily regales The Mother with the tale of how her friend Ted pissed her off. We even learn that The Mother loves driving gloves and stupid roadside attractions, but doesn't like slow driving and in the future gives Ted the nickname "Lady Tedwina Slowsby." At some point The Mother realizes that Ted was trying to get rid of Lily, and Lily thinks it has to do with The locket. You know, the one they were digging in Central Park for last season that I had hoped we were done with? That one.
So Lily hightails it to the wedding and tackles Ted before he can give a box to Robin, but it turns out that the box contains nothing more than a picture frame of the gang all together eight years prior. But we see that Ted days before did go to great lengths, even flying to LA to go through Stella's storage units (please tell me we get a Storage Wars cameo out of this at some point) to find the missing locket. Ted may turn out to be the big wildcard that Robin and Barney were worried about.
The soon-to-be newlyweds are in a town car (being driven by Ranjeet, of course) and having a bit of a panic about the fact that their wedding could be ruined by any number of relatives, including maybe a ring bear (yes, bear) and a woman on a moose. At some point in the conversation they realize that they share a cousin Mitch. (Remember when we learned that Barney was a little bit Canadian a long time back?). They both get awkward and decide that being related is OK since they aren't having children and Barney tries the King-Joffrey-turned-out-fine argument. But they finally get through to a family member who tells them that the cousin was adopted and there's like seven layers between them, and no blood, so they can get married without the ickiness.
Marshall has the stupidest storyline. He's on a plane back from Minnesota and his mother posts a picture on Facebook (or whatever knockoff this show uses) and it is announcing that he's going to be a judge, and Marshall hasn't had the "Italy or Judge" conversation with his wife yet. So he spends a lot of time annoying Sherri Shepherd, and trying to get his mother to stop looking at porn so she can take down the picture before Lily sees it. He gets thrown off the plane, as does Sherri Shepherd, and they find out there's only one seat on the last flight of the night (why they couldn't take one Saturday morning since he's clearly got time beats me, but whatever). The two start racing across the airport, so we've got that to look forward to.
Lily and Ted are in a car driving out to Farhampton, and Ted's sporting his driving gloves and rattling off ridiculous facts about Long Island. He also keeps stopping at hole-in-the-wall places with butter churning and that sort of nonsense. Lily gets so disgusted that she starts banging her head into the side of the car (kind of like I am with my coffee table at having to watch this show still) and begs him to let her off at the train station.
On the train she starts muttering about the passive aggressive pictures that Marshall's mom keeps posting about baby Marvin, and upon hearing the words "unicorn" and "lonely", The Mother interrupts her and asks her if she wants a cookie. Specifically, it was a Sumbitch cookie, which is filled with chocolate and peanut butter and caramel. (I feel like someone at CBS needs to send a batch of those to me, stat).
The two become fast friends, as Lily regales The Mother with the tale of how her friend Ted pissed her off. We even learn that The Mother loves driving gloves and stupid roadside attractions, but doesn't like slow driving and in the future gives Ted the nickname "Lady Tedwina Slowsby." At some point The Mother realizes that Ted was trying to get rid of Lily, and Lily thinks it has to do with The locket. You know, the one they were digging in Central Park for last season that I had hoped we were done with? That one.
So Lily hightails it to the wedding and tackles Ted before he can give a box to Robin, but it turns out that the box contains nothing more than a picture frame of the gang all together eight years prior. But we see that Ted days before did go to great lengths, even flying to LA to go through Stella's storage units (please tell me we get a Storage Wars cameo out of this at some point) to find the missing locket. Ted may turn out to be the big wildcard that Robin and Barney were worried about.
The soon-to-be newlyweds are in a town car (being driven by Ranjeet, of course) and having a bit of a panic about the fact that their wedding could be ruined by any number of relatives, including maybe a ring bear (yes, bear) and a woman on a moose. At some point in the conversation they realize that they share a cousin Mitch. (Remember when we learned that Barney was a little bit Canadian a long time back?). They both get awkward and decide that being related is OK since they aren't having children and Barney tries the King-Joffrey-turned-out-fine argument. But they finally get through to a family member who tells them that the cousin was adopted and there's like seven layers between them, and no blood, so they can get married without the ickiness.
Marshall has the stupidest storyline. He's on a plane back from Minnesota and his mother posts a picture on Facebook (or whatever knockoff this show uses) and it is announcing that he's going to be a judge, and Marshall hasn't had the "Italy or Judge" conversation with his wife yet. So he spends a lot of time annoying Sherri Shepherd, and trying to get his mother to stop looking at porn so she can take down the picture before Lily sees it. He gets thrown off the plane, as does Sherri Shepherd, and they find out there's only one seat on the last flight of the night (why they couldn't take one Saturday morning since he's clearly got time beats me, but whatever). The two start racing across the airport, so we've got that to look forward to.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Suits-Beam Yourself Up, Scottie
Harvey finds Scottie at a hotel bar and sits down across from her, looking uncharacteristically sheepish. He painfully utters an apology for not believing her when she was telling the truth about not having any part in the firm getting fired and then sued for malpractice by Ava Hessington. He maintains that he wasn't wrong to think she might do it, and advises her go ahead with the dissolution and get out herself, before Darby International goes down in flames. She's still loyal to Darby, and asks if he would bail on his mentor like he's suggesting she do. He says he would, if that mentor sanctioned murder. For now, all Scottie will agree to do is figure out a plan to fight Ava's lawsuit together. It's a start.
At Rachel's apartment, Mike is being pretty quiet, even pissy in the wake of Rachel's revelation that she got into Stanford. He admits that he said he'd support any decision she made, but thought that California was off the table when Rachel got into Columbia. "And we said we love each other." Rachel says it's not that, and that she's trying to decide which school is best using her own pros and cons list without factoring in anything else. Like, you know, Mike. He tells her that she's going to have to factor him in at some point. True, but Mike probably needs to improve his attitude so he stays on the pro list rather than the con.
The next morning in his office, Harvey tells Jessica that he doesn't want to start another war with Scottie and would rather go with her plan. Jessica's not feeling that, saying they're not going to win a case where Edward Darby sanctioned murder, so she says Harvey is going to have to privately talk Ava Hessington out of suing her and Harvey, at least. "What about when Scottie finds out?" he wonders. Jessica's wordless exit is all the answer he's going to get, which is that it's his problem.
Harvey is shown into the expansive office where he used to meet with Ava Hessington, but she's not there; Travis Tanner is, of all people. He's there representing Ava, and he tells Harvey that she's not letting the suit go. Harvey accuses Tanner of using this as an excuse to try to beat Harvey again. Tanner admits that he saw this as a chance to take Harvey's lunch money. Harvey flips a quarter out of his pocket and tells Tanner to call his mom to tell her to get the tissues ready. "Because you're 0 and 2 against me, and the 0 isn't the number that's gonna change." Ooh, sick burn. Sick, wordy, burn.
Back at the firm, Mike asks Harvey whether he's going after Ava or Tanner, but Harvey says they're going to wait until Tanner deposes him and see what's up. Mike is itching for an assignment in a way that makes Harvey realize he's got girlfriend trouble, and mocks him for it as though Mike's still in high school. Mike points out that people also have girlfriends after high school, not that Harvey would know, not having graduated from high school emotionally. "Because the only thing you ever graduated from is high school," Harvey says. Mike: "Why you gotta go there, man?"
Sheila Sazs from Harvard is in a hotel suite-slash-war room with Louis, showing him some candidate selection software. She invites him into the bedroom, but he says he needs to focus. Yet all it takes to get him interested is for her to show Louis some pictures -- of Louis -- including one from his Harvard days, and another one of him wielding a sword in chain mail. Should have known Louis was a LARP-er. She says there are already fifty of those photos taped to the ceiling. "You won't be looking at the ceiling," Louis says. TMI!
Jessica meets with Scottie at the firm to advise her to keep her cool, not that Scottie thinks she needs the advice. Jessica warns her that Tanner is going to try to get under her skin, like the time he provoked Harvey into punching Tanner in the face. "And if Harvey hadn't done it, I might have." She gives Scottie a little background on Tanner's Oedipal insinuations on that occasion, to alert Scottie that Tanner isn't above getting personal. Or above anything, really.
In Rachel's office, she's trying to show Mike that it can work if she decides to go to Stanford -- again, a decision she's trying to make totally separately from wanting to be with Mike. He's a little more gloom and doom, saying he doesn't know anyone who's ever made a long-distance relationship work. "You choose to go to Stanford, it most likely means we're done." Well, as long as he isn't pressuring her. Jessica, out in the hall, sees him leave her office. Look who just found her way into this particular loop.
After they've finished in bed, Sheila shows Louis the CV of a prize candidate he loves, that she's apparently been saving for him. She invites him to skip work the rest of the day, but he's already feeling guilty about the 77 minutes he just took off, and says he has to go. She hands him the folder and tips her face up for a kiss, but all she gets is a professional "thank you." Clearly not what she was looking for.
Jessica stops by Harvey's office, ostensibly looking for him, but actually just to pump Donna for information. She starts by asking idly about some harmless office gossip about some random, non-speaking employees, and then segues into, "How long have Mike Ross and Rachel Zane been dating?" Donna knows this just got real, but all she can say is, "Uh, a few months." Jessica pursues the thread until she concludes that "He told Robert Zane's daughter his secret." Donna tries to do damage control, and Jessica tells her in no uncertain terms that Donna isn't to say anything to Mike or Rachel about this. "I won't say a word," Donna promises, probably already trying to figure out how to issue the warning some other way.
Mike shows up at Harvey's apartment early in the morning, looking like hell after a sleepless night and wanting to talk personal stuff. Namely, how Harvey avoids letting people in, and has all these relationships without being affected by it. Harvey claims to have a picture of Dorian Gray in his closet, which doesn't amuse Mike. "I wasn't joking," Harvey says. "I was trying to get you to leave so I could have my morning without you judging me." Harvey says he doesn't talk about it, and he keeps his personal life and his business separate. When Mike whines that that isn't working for him, Harvey suggests he call Dr. Phil. "I don't know everything about everything," Harvey says, which is about as vulnerable as he gets. "You want to know how to be a lawyer, I'm your man. You want to know how to deal with love, that's not my area." But he does invite Mike to hang out and take the morning off with Harvey's coffee and bagels. Wow, I think we just realized that Harvey loves Mike.
Louis asks Sheila why his prize candidate is getting offers from seven other firms, and whether it's about his shutting her down before. She points out that she never made any exclusive arrangement with him, and after some veiled repartee about whether they are or not, which is veiled only to Louis, Sheila says that after she's done talking to him, no way will Louis's dream grad join Pearson Darby Specter, "Or whatever bullshit name you're calling yourselves this week." Heh. You go, Sheila.
Harvey and Ava end up in the conference room together after they've both showed up early for the deposition. Harvey still thinks Tanner talked Ava into the malpractice suit, but Ava assures her that this was a result of Harvey's own actions. Well, those of his firm, or rather the partner he never wanted to merge with anyway. She lectures him about how his tactics of intimidation backfired on her, and now they won't work against her new attack dog either. And that was about all she had to say. "So you came here just to vent at me?" Harvey asks. No, she came to see if Harvey is sorry about the way he handled things. Nope, Ava, Harvey's probably all full up on sorry for this season.
A short time later, the parties are present for the deposition, with Scottie, Harvey, and Jessica sitting across from Travis Tanner. Tanner starts right in on Harvey's "side deal" with Darby to take over from Jessica if he won Ava's case. He claims unconvincingly that it was a conflict of interest, and accuses Harvey of knowing from the start that he couldn't lose because he knew Stephen Huntley's murders would be discovered, which, even though Tanner claims to have evidence that Harvey did know, we all know better. And then he tells Scottie that Harvey tried to make his own deal with Ava a few days ago behind Scottie's back. (It seems like Harvey would have seen that coming and confessed to Scottie before now). Luckily for him Scottie plays it cool, but Tanner keeps pushing, getting more and more personal by bringing up how Scottie was engaged the last time she and Harvey hooked up. "Come after me, Tanner," Harvey says. Tanner has decided he's done enough, though.
Later that evening, Mike comes to Rachel's office to ask her for a copy of the deposition, which is his way of showing her that he's giving her space. Not really working, until Mike says that he's going to respect Rachel's process. He says he went to see Harvey earlier, and though he didn't get any advice from him, he realized that he's going to lose Rachel if he's Harvey, and he'll push her away if he's Mike. "You go to Stanford, we'll beat the odds." That seems to be just what she wanted to hear. Not sure why that was so hard.
Scottie comes to Harvey's office, and without Tanner in the room she's got no reason not to yell at him for screwing her and Darby. Harvey reminds her that he tried to include her in that deal and she turned him down, and says that Tanner is just trying to turn them against each other. He says he didn't have a choice. "And neither do you. You just haven't seen that yet." Maybe clear it up for her by being condescending, Harvey.
Louis intercepts Mike in the hallway and tries to get him to convince his favorite candidate to come to the firm. Mike obviously can't help, not knowing the guy, though he claims that they were in different years when of course we all know that Mike's year at Harvard was aught-never. Louis follows Mike all the way down to the bullpen saying this is really about Sheila Sazs. "What about it? I mean her?" Mike asks. Louis tells Mike what happened, and even through his crabbed view of the situation, Mike manages to read that Sheila wants an exclusive relationship with Louis, personally. Louis starts to mansplain to Mike about women until he realizes, "Holy shit, it was staring me right in the face." Yes. Yes, it was.
Travis Tanner meets Scottie on the sidewalk, offering her a coffee. She makes a crack about how it likely has a roofie in it, but Tanner is making a peace offering to join him against Harvey. He just wants her to say Harvey knew about Stephen Huntley's involvement in the murders two months ago. Scottie says she's betrayed Harvey once and is done now, so Tanner presents her with a subpoena of her own. She should have known he'd have a stick to go with the carrot.
Cut to Tanner deposing Scottie, asking her about Harvey's feelings on the merger while she's flanked by Jessica and Harvey. He starts right in, mocking Scottie and trying to get her to admit that she wanted Harvey to fall in love with her. Jessica and Harvey both defend her, as Tanner accuses Scottie of setting up the merger to get back at Harvey, and is dramatically skeptical of Scottie's ignorance in the murders. Scottie says that both Darby and Stephen kept her in the dark on that, so Tanner presents an affidavit from Stephen Huntley saying that Scottie knew all about it. Harvey says that's a lie and calls a halt. And Scottie got all the way to the end of that without losing her cool. Which is why she's better than Harvey.
Donna comes down to visit Mike in the bullpen, supposedly to talk about Scottie's deposition, but really because she wants to talk to Stephen and she knows Harvey would say no. Mike also thinks it's a bad idea, though Donna claims she's trying to protect both Scottie and Harvey. "Because he may not know how he feels but I do." And no, you didn't miss her coded warning to Mike about Jessica unless I did too.
Stephen is ushered into the visiting room at the prison to see Mike and Donna waiting there for him…with the affidavit. They ask him what Tanner offered him in exchange for his lie about Scottie, and he claims that Scottie was his boss, so she should have known. That argument gets less tedious every time somebody makes it this season. Mike says this is just trying to make Darby's testimony look like a lie, which of course it is because Darby never had the conversation with Stephen about the murders that he's now claiming to have had, and Stephen says so. Donna asks Mike for a minute, and as soon as she's alone with Stephen, she accuses him of lying about Scottie, which he admits to. She says, "If anything you ever said to me was true, please don't do this." He says he's sorry, but he has to. Donna looks through the door at Mike, who comes back in and asks if they have what they need. Which they do, because as Mike points out, every conversation here is recorded, and they just got him admitting that his affidavit was a lie. Are they not worried about his saying that Darby's testimony is also a lie? I guess not, because his credibility is probably not what it once was.
Harvey shows up in his office, picks up the folder on his desk, and exchanges significant looks with Donna at hers. Meanwhile, Mike has a visitor to his apartment: Jessica. She makes with the small talk and finds Rachel's sweater, which allows a slick segue into her purpose for being here: "You told Robert Zane's daughter my business." Hey, lady, you hired Robert Zane's daughter in the first place. Mike assures Jessica that Rachel isn't going to tell anyone, and Jessica wants to make sure of that by handing Mike a document for Rachel to sign. "This puts her in jeopardy," Mike objects. Jessica says that he's the one who did that, which is a fair point. "And if I won't do it?" he asks. She says on her way out, "Then you won't be working for me anymore."
Louis is fielding a phone call from Sheila, who doesn't seem entirely enchanted that he drafted a legal document for their exclusivity thing. She tears it up into the phone and tells him the time for words is over, and it's time for deeds; namely, he needs to figure out where she'll be tomorrow night so he can come tell her in person. She hangs up without giving him a clue. Sounds to me like she still wants more words, though.
Harvey finds Tanner walking down the sidewalk and tells him that they've got proof that Stephen's affidavit is bullshit, so he's got nothing on Scottie now. Tanner's not done, though, telling Harvey, "I'm going to drag her ass through the mud left right and center, and when I'm done no firm will touch her with a ten-foot pole." Tanner admits that he doesn't fight fair, and offers Harvey a document with a settlement offer that he warns has a lot of zeroes. "You just need to decide whether you care more about money or your girlfriend." Is that going to be a hard decision?
That evening in Harvey's office, he tells Scottie that while the affidavit is now off the table, Tanner is going to keep coming at her unless they settle. She looks at the offer and shrugs, "You'll never sign this." Harvey says he actually would if it was up to him, but Jessica won't even consider it. Scottie doesn't buy his concern, saying he thinks she can't take it. "I can't take it!" Harvey says, his voice almost breaking. He begs her to let him try to convince Ava that her enemy is Darby, not himself, so Tanner will stop coming after her. Scottie finally agrees.
Mike shows up at Rachel's apartment, reeking of bad news. He tells her about Jessica's visit, and how Jessica is insisting that Rachel sign an affidavit saying that she knows Mike is a fraud. Rachel says that he's got leverage, but that only works to prevent Jessica from exposing him, not firing him. She sits down next to him on the bed and he apologizes to her for putting her in this position. "And the only way I can see out of it is for you to go to Stanford." Well, add that to the pros and cons list, then.
Time for yet another deposition. This time it's Harvey deposing Ava, with Tanner at her side. He starts by trying to get her to admit that she confessed to bribery to him when they first met. Apparently that's not covered by attorney-client privilege any more, now that she's suing him. Tanner points out that she's suing the firm of Pearson Darby Specter, which Jessica and Scottie point out doesn't exist anymore. Ava says she's after them for what they did to her, and Jessica reminds her that Harvey got her a minimal punishment for bribery, beat her murder rap, and stopped her from bribing more witnesses.
Speaking of which, Harvey asks her if she fired him for refusing to bribe witnesses, which we all know she did. Tanner tells her not to answer, but Harvey says she doesn't have to, because they have witnesses. After a moment, Harvey pauses the camera and stands up to talk to Ava off the record. He comes around the table, saying he doesn't want them coming after each other. He tells her he's sorry he didn't listen to her or believe her and that his history with Cameron blew back on her. "But I am not sorry that I did everything in my power to help you every chance we got. If you don't believe that, keep coming. But if you do, I'm asking you to put your anger where it belongs." That seems to get through to her, and Harvey asks Tanner if he's still got that quarter. All three women in the room look at Harvey all, "Oh, you scamp," but Tanner knows he's beaten.
Later, Harvey comes down to break the news to Mike that they won, but Mike's in rather a mood. He rants about the meaninglessness of it all, and "when some real connection comes along, some little piece of happiness--" he stops short, which is normally Harvey's cue to grow up and get his shit together. But this is apparently a softer Harvey we're getting this week, so he puts a fatherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says he's sorry. He's about to make his escape, but Mike asks, "Did she tell you what she did?" Harvey thinks he means Rachel, which tells Mike she didn't, and he tattles to Harvey that Jessica is basically forcing Rachel to go to Stanford. "She found out about you two," Harvey guesses. Mike says he doesn't want Rachel to go, but there's nothing he can do about it.
But maybe Rachel can. She pays a visit to Jessica herself, with the document, which she has yet to sign. She understands that Jessica's suddenly worried about Robert Zane's daughter, which reminded her of something he says: "Don't sign anything unless you can get something in return." And what Rachel wants is for Jessica to waive the Harvard rule for her after she finishes law school. Jessica says that's the longest-standing rule they have, and Rachel sticks to her guns, saying she's better than most of their associates before even going to law school. Jessica says that Rachel is her father's daughter. "But I don't want to work for him," Rachel says. "I want to work for you." Still?
Harvey and Scottie are back at his apartment, having just celebrated with dinner and drinks. They start reminiscing about the old days, until Scottie asks what he wants. "I want to work with you," he says. Unfortunately, he positions it as wanting to help her, like what she wants is for him to do this as a favor. He maintains that he still cares about her. She gets that, having heard it plenty of times from him lately, but it's not enough and so she says no. "If all you want to do is work with me, I can find a job somewhere else." She starts to leave, but Harvey stops her and says he wants more. "I want you in my life."
Mike opens his apartment door to Rachel, who has apparently waived a rule of her own just coming over here. She comes in, sits down, and says she's finished her list. And the answer is Stanford. Mike starts to talk, and then she rips it up, saying, "I don't need a list to tell me I don't want to be without you." Mike's so happy he doesn't even mind having been jerked around for the last hour.
Louis finds Sheila in the wood-paneled file room at Harvard ,where she appears to have laid out a little dinner for them. She says this is like home to her, and he realizes that this is where she wants him to say he wants to be exclusive with her…which he does. She returns the sentiment, and it's actually kind of sweet, in their usual semi-twisted way. They briefly debate whether it's going to be sex or the picnic first, but before either, she slips out to call her mom, telling Louis not to touch any of the files. Louis waits all of about five seconds after she leaves before opening a drawer and finding Harvey's file, complete with photo. Nice surfer hair, law-school Harvey. "What a douche," Louis sneers at the picture. Then he decides to go look up Mike Ross, but of course there's no file for him. Well, now everyone in the regular cast knows about Mike, and I guess we'll have to wait to see how that plays out when the show comes back for the second half of the season. But I'm sure Louis will handle this discovery with the utmost calm and maturity.
At Rachel's apartment, Mike is being pretty quiet, even pissy in the wake of Rachel's revelation that she got into Stanford. He admits that he said he'd support any decision she made, but thought that California was off the table when Rachel got into Columbia. "And we said we love each other." Rachel says it's not that, and that she's trying to decide which school is best using her own pros and cons list without factoring in anything else. Like, you know, Mike. He tells her that she's going to have to factor him in at some point. True, but Mike probably needs to improve his attitude so he stays on the pro list rather than the con.
The next morning in his office, Harvey tells Jessica that he doesn't want to start another war with Scottie and would rather go with her plan. Jessica's not feeling that, saying they're not going to win a case where Edward Darby sanctioned murder, so she says Harvey is going to have to privately talk Ava Hessington out of suing her and Harvey, at least. "What about when Scottie finds out?" he wonders. Jessica's wordless exit is all the answer he's going to get, which is that it's his problem.
Harvey is shown into the expansive office where he used to meet with Ava Hessington, but she's not there; Travis Tanner is, of all people. He's there representing Ava, and he tells Harvey that she's not letting the suit go. Harvey accuses Tanner of using this as an excuse to try to beat Harvey again. Tanner admits that he saw this as a chance to take Harvey's lunch money. Harvey flips a quarter out of his pocket and tells Tanner to call his mom to tell her to get the tissues ready. "Because you're 0 and 2 against me, and the 0 isn't the number that's gonna change." Ooh, sick burn. Sick, wordy, burn.
Back at the firm, Mike asks Harvey whether he's going after Ava or Tanner, but Harvey says they're going to wait until Tanner deposes him and see what's up. Mike is itching for an assignment in a way that makes Harvey realize he's got girlfriend trouble, and mocks him for it as though Mike's still in high school. Mike points out that people also have girlfriends after high school, not that Harvey would know, not having graduated from high school emotionally. "Because the only thing you ever graduated from is high school," Harvey says. Mike: "Why you gotta go there, man?"
Sheila Sazs from Harvard is in a hotel suite-slash-war room with Louis, showing him some candidate selection software. She invites him into the bedroom, but he says he needs to focus. Yet all it takes to get him interested is for her to show Louis some pictures -- of Louis -- including one from his Harvard days, and another one of him wielding a sword in chain mail. Should have known Louis was a LARP-er. She says there are already fifty of those photos taped to the ceiling. "You won't be looking at the ceiling," Louis says. TMI!
Jessica meets with Scottie at the firm to advise her to keep her cool, not that Scottie thinks she needs the advice. Jessica warns her that Tanner is going to try to get under her skin, like the time he provoked Harvey into punching Tanner in the face. "And if Harvey hadn't done it, I might have." She gives Scottie a little background on Tanner's Oedipal insinuations on that occasion, to alert Scottie that Tanner isn't above getting personal. Or above anything, really.
In Rachel's office, she's trying to show Mike that it can work if she decides to go to Stanford -- again, a decision she's trying to make totally separately from wanting to be with Mike. He's a little more gloom and doom, saying he doesn't know anyone who's ever made a long-distance relationship work. "You choose to go to Stanford, it most likely means we're done." Well, as long as he isn't pressuring her. Jessica, out in the hall, sees him leave her office. Look who just found her way into this particular loop.
After they've finished in bed, Sheila shows Louis the CV of a prize candidate he loves, that she's apparently been saving for him. She invites him to skip work the rest of the day, but he's already feeling guilty about the 77 minutes he just took off, and says he has to go. She hands him the folder and tips her face up for a kiss, but all she gets is a professional "thank you." Clearly not what she was looking for.
Jessica stops by Harvey's office, ostensibly looking for him, but actually just to pump Donna for information. She starts by asking idly about some harmless office gossip about some random, non-speaking employees, and then segues into, "How long have Mike Ross and Rachel Zane been dating?" Donna knows this just got real, but all she can say is, "Uh, a few months." Jessica pursues the thread until she concludes that "He told Robert Zane's daughter his secret." Donna tries to do damage control, and Jessica tells her in no uncertain terms that Donna isn't to say anything to Mike or Rachel about this. "I won't say a word," Donna promises, probably already trying to figure out how to issue the warning some other way.
Mike shows up at Harvey's apartment early in the morning, looking like hell after a sleepless night and wanting to talk personal stuff. Namely, how Harvey avoids letting people in, and has all these relationships without being affected by it. Harvey claims to have a picture of Dorian Gray in his closet, which doesn't amuse Mike. "I wasn't joking," Harvey says. "I was trying to get you to leave so I could have my morning without you judging me." Harvey says he doesn't talk about it, and he keeps his personal life and his business separate. When Mike whines that that isn't working for him, Harvey suggests he call Dr. Phil. "I don't know everything about everything," Harvey says, which is about as vulnerable as he gets. "You want to know how to be a lawyer, I'm your man. You want to know how to deal with love, that's not my area." But he does invite Mike to hang out and take the morning off with Harvey's coffee and bagels. Wow, I think we just realized that Harvey loves Mike.
Louis asks Sheila why his prize candidate is getting offers from seven other firms, and whether it's about his shutting her down before. She points out that she never made any exclusive arrangement with him, and after some veiled repartee about whether they are or not, which is veiled only to Louis, Sheila says that after she's done talking to him, no way will Louis's dream grad join Pearson Darby Specter, "Or whatever bullshit name you're calling yourselves this week." Heh. You go, Sheila.
Harvey and Ava end up in the conference room together after they've both showed up early for the deposition. Harvey still thinks Tanner talked Ava into the malpractice suit, but Ava assures her that this was a result of Harvey's own actions. Well, those of his firm, or rather the partner he never wanted to merge with anyway. She lectures him about how his tactics of intimidation backfired on her, and now they won't work against her new attack dog either. And that was about all she had to say. "So you came here just to vent at me?" Harvey asks. No, she came to see if Harvey is sorry about the way he handled things. Nope, Ava, Harvey's probably all full up on sorry for this season.
A short time later, the parties are present for the deposition, with Scottie, Harvey, and Jessica sitting across from Travis Tanner. Tanner starts right in on Harvey's "side deal" with Darby to take over from Jessica if he won Ava's case. He claims unconvincingly that it was a conflict of interest, and accuses Harvey of knowing from the start that he couldn't lose because he knew Stephen Huntley's murders would be discovered, which, even though Tanner claims to have evidence that Harvey did know, we all know better. And then he tells Scottie that Harvey tried to make his own deal with Ava a few days ago behind Scottie's back. (It seems like Harvey would have seen that coming and confessed to Scottie before now). Luckily for him Scottie plays it cool, but Tanner keeps pushing, getting more and more personal by bringing up how Scottie was engaged the last time she and Harvey hooked up. "Come after me, Tanner," Harvey says. Tanner has decided he's done enough, though.
Later that evening, Mike comes to Rachel's office to ask her for a copy of the deposition, which is his way of showing her that he's giving her space. Not really working, until Mike says that he's going to respect Rachel's process. He says he went to see Harvey earlier, and though he didn't get any advice from him, he realized that he's going to lose Rachel if he's Harvey, and he'll push her away if he's Mike. "You go to Stanford, we'll beat the odds." That seems to be just what she wanted to hear. Not sure why that was so hard.
Scottie comes to Harvey's office, and without Tanner in the room she's got no reason not to yell at him for screwing her and Darby. Harvey reminds her that he tried to include her in that deal and she turned him down, and says that Tanner is just trying to turn them against each other. He says he didn't have a choice. "And neither do you. You just haven't seen that yet." Maybe clear it up for her by being condescending, Harvey.
Louis intercepts Mike in the hallway and tries to get him to convince his favorite candidate to come to the firm. Mike obviously can't help, not knowing the guy, though he claims that they were in different years when of course we all know that Mike's year at Harvard was aught-never. Louis follows Mike all the way down to the bullpen saying this is really about Sheila Sazs. "What about it? I mean her?" Mike asks. Louis tells Mike what happened, and even through his crabbed view of the situation, Mike manages to read that Sheila wants an exclusive relationship with Louis, personally. Louis starts to mansplain to Mike about women until he realizes, "Holy shit, it was staring me right in the face." Yes. Yes, it was.
Travis Tanner meets Scottie on the sidewalk, offering her a coffee. She makes a crack about how it likely has a roofie in it, but Tanner is making a peace offering to join him against Harvey. He just wants her to say Harvey knew about Stephen Huntley's involvement in the murders two months ago. Scottie says she's betrayed Harvey once and is done now, so Tanner presents her with a subpoena of her own. She should have known he'd have a stick to go with the carrot.
Cut to Tanner deposing Scottie, asking her about Harvey's feelings on the merger while she's flanked by Jessica and Harvey. He starts right in, mocking Scottie and trying to get her to admit that she wanted Harvey to fall in love with her. Jessica and Harvey both defend her, as Tanner accuses Scottie of setting up the merger to get back at Harvey, and is dramatically skeptical of Scottie's ignorance in the murders. Scottie says that both Darby and Stephen kept her in the dark on that, so Tanner presents an affidavit from Stephen Huntley saying that Scottie knew all about it. Harvey says that's a lie and calls a halt. And Scottie got all the way to the end of that without losing her cool. Which is why she's better than Harvey.
Donna comes down to visit Mike in the bullpen, supposedly to talk about Scottie's deposition, but really because she wants to talk to Stephen and she knows Harvey would say no. Mike also thinks it's a bad idea, though Donna claims she's trying to protect both Scottie and Harvey. "Because he may not know how he feels but I do." And no, you didn't miss her coded warning to Mike about Jessica unless I did too.
Stephen is ushered into the visiting room at the prison to see Mike and Donna waiting there for him…with the affidavit. They ask him what Tanner offered him in exchange for his lie about Scottie, and he claims that Scottie was his boss, so she should have known. That argument gets less tedious every time somebody makes it this season. Mike says this is just trying to make Darby's testimony look like a lie, which of course it is because Darby never had the conversation with Stephen about the murders that he's now claiming to have had, and Stephen says so. Donna asks Mike for a minute, and as soon as she's alone with Stephen, she accuses him of lying about Scottie, which he admits to. She says, "If anything you ever said to me was true, please don't do this." He says he's sorry, but he has to. Donna looks through the door at Mike, who comes back in and asks if they have what they need. Which they do, because as Mike points out, every conversation here is recorded, and they just got him admitting that his affidavit was a lie. Are they not worried about his saying that Darby's testimony is also a lie? I guess not, because his credibility is probably not what it once was.
Harvey shows up in his office, picks up the folder on his desk, and exchanges significant looks with Donna at hers. Meanwhile, Mike has a visitor to his apartment: Jessica. She makes with the small talk and finds Rachel's sweater, which allows a slick segue into her purpose for being here: "You told Robert Zane's daughter my business." Hey, lady, you hired Robert Zane's daughter in the first place. Mike assures Jessica that Rachel isn't going to tell anyone, and Jessica wants to make sure of that by handing Mike a document for Rachel to sign. "This puts her in jeopardy," Mike objects. Jessica says that he's the one who did that, which is a fair point. "And if I won't do it?" he asks. She says on her way out, "Then you won't be working for me anymore."
Louis is fielding a phone call from Sheila, who doesn't seem entirely enchanted that he drafted a legal document for their exclusivity thing. She tears it up into the phone and tells him the time for words is over, and it's time for deeds; namely, he needs to figure out where she'll be tomorrow night so he can come tell her in person. She hangs up without giving him a clue. Sounds to me like she still wants more words, though.
Harvey finds Tanner walking down the sidewalk and tells him that they've got proof that Stephen's affidavit is bullshit, so he's got nothing on Scottie now. Tanner's not done, though, telling Harvey, "I'm going to drag her ass through the mud left right and center, and when I'm done no firm will touch her with a ten-foot pole." Tanner admits that he doesn't fight fair, and offers Harvey a document with a settlement offer that he warns has a lot of zeroes. "You just need to decide whether you care more about money or your girlfriend." Is that going to be a hard decision?
That evening in Harvey's office, he tells Scottie that while the affidavit is now off the table, Tanner is going to keep coming at her unless they settle. She looks at the offer and shrugs, "You'll never sign this." Harvey says he actually would if it was up to him, but Jessica won't even consider it. Scottie doesn't buy his concern, saying he thinks she can't take it. "I can't take it!" Harvey says, his voice almost breaking. He begs her to let him try to convince Ava that her enemy is Darby, not himself, so Tanner will stop coming after her. Scottie finally agrees.
Mike shows up at Rachel's apartment, reeking of bad news. He tells her about Jessica's visit, and how Jessica is insisting that Rachel sign an affidavit saying that she knows Mike is a fraud. Rachel says that he's got leverage, but that only works to prevent Jessica from exposing him, not firing him. She sits down next to him on the bed and he apologizes to her for putting her in this position. "And the only way I can see out of it is for you to go to Stanford." Well, add that to the pros and cons list, then.
Time for yet another deposition. This time it's Harvey deposing Ava, with Tanner at her side. He starts by trying to get her to admit that she confessed to bribery to him when they first met. Apparently that's not covered by attorney-client privilege any more, now that she's suing him. Tanner points out that she's suing the firm of Pearson Darby Specter, which Jessica and Scottie point out doesn't exist anymore. Ava says she's after them for what they did to her, and Jessica reminds her that Harvey got her a minimal punishment for bribery, beat her murder rap, and stopped her from bribing more witnesses.
Speaking of which, Harvey asks her if she fired him for refusing to bribe witnesses, which we all know she did. Tanner tells her not to answer, but Harvey says she doesn't have to, because they have witnesses. After a moment, Harvey pauses the camera and stands up to talk to Ava off the record. He comes around the table, saying he doesn't want them coming after each other. He tells her he's sorry he didn't listen to her or believe her and that his history with Cameron blew back on her. "But I am not sorry that I did everything in my power to help you every chance we got. If you don't believe that, keep coming. But if you do, I'm asking you to put your anger where it belongs." That seems to get through to her, and Harvey asks Tanner if he's still got that quarter. All three women in the room look at Harvey all, "Oh, you scamp," but Tanner knows he's beaten.
Later, Harvey comes down to break the news to Mike that they won, but Mike's in rather a mood. He rants about the meaninglessness of it all, and "when some real connection comes along, some little piece of happiness--" he stops short, which is normally Harvey's cue to grow up and get his shit together. But this is apparently a softer Harvey we're getting this week, so he puts a fatherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says he's sorry. He's about to make his escape, but Mike asks, "Did she tell you what she did?" Harvey thinks he means Rachel, which tells Mike she didn't, and he tattles to Harvey that Jessica is basically forcing Rachel to go to Stanford. "She found out about you two," Harvey guesses. Mike says he doesn't want Rachel to go, but there's nothing he can do about it.
But maybe Rachel can. She pays a visit to Jessica herself, with the document, which she has yet to sign. She understands that Jessica's suddenly worried about Robert Zane's daughter, which reminded her of something he says: "Don't sign anything unless you can get something in return." And what Rachel wants is for Jessica to waive the Harvard rule for her after she finishes law school. Jessica says that's the longest-standing rule they have, and Rachel sticks to her guns, saying she's better than most of their associates before even going to law school. Jessica says that Rachel is her father's daughter. "But I don't want to work for him," Rachel says. "I want to work for you." Still?
Harvey and Scottie are back at his apartment, having just celebrated with dinner and drinks. They start reminiscing about the old days, until Scottie asks what he wants. "I want to work with you," he says. Unfortunately, he positions it as wanting to help her, like what she wants is for him to do this as a favor. He maintains that he still cares about her. She gets that, having heard it plenty of times from him lately, but it's not enough and so she says no. "If all you want to do is work with me, I can find a job somewhere else." She starts to leave, but Harvey stops her and says he wants more. "I want you in my life."
Mike opens his apartment door to Rachel, who has apparently waived a rule of her own just coming over here. She comes in, sits down, and says she's finished her list. And the answer is Stanford. Mike starts to talk, and then she rips it up, saying, "I don't need a list to tell me I don't want to be without you." Mike's so happy he doesn't even mind having been jerked around for the last hour.
Louis finds Sheila in the wood-paneled file room at Harvard ,where she appears to have laid out a little dinner for them. She says this is like home to her, and he realizes that this is where she wants him to say he wants to be exclusive with her…which he does. She returns the sentiment, and it's actually kind of sweet, in their usual semi-twisted way. They briefly debate whether it's going to be sex or the picnic first, but before either, she slips out to call her mom, telling Louis not to touch any of the files. Louis waits all of about five seconds after she leaves before opening a drawer and finding Harvey's file, complete with photo. Nice surfer hair, law-school Harvey. "What a douche," Louis sneers at the picture. Then he decides to go look up Mike Ross, but of course there's no file for him. Well, now everyone in the regular cast knows about Mike, and I guess we'll have to wait to see how that plays out when the show comes back for the second half of the season. But I'm sure Louis will handle this discovery with the utmost calm and maturity.
Suits-Beam Yourself Up, Scottie
Harvey finds Scottie at a hotel bar and sits down across from her, looking uncharacteristically sheepish. He painfully utters an apology for not believing her when she was telling the truth about not having any part in the firm getting fired and then sued for malpractice by Ava Hessington. He maintains that he wasn't wrong to think she might do it, and advises her go ahead with the dissolution and get out herself, before Darby International goes down in flames. She's still loyal to Darby, and asks if he would bail on his mentor like he's suggesting she do. He says he would, if that mentor sanctioned murder. For now, all Scottie will agree to do is figure out a plan to fight Ava's lawsuit together. It's a start.
At Rachel's apartment, Mike is being pretty quiet, even pissy in the wake of Rachel's revelation that she got into Stanford. He admits that he said he'd support any decision she made, but thought that California was off the table when Rachel got into Columbia. "And we said we love each other." Rachel says it's not that, and that she's trying to decide which school is best using her own pros and cons list without factoring in anything else. Like, you know, Mike. He tells her that she's going to have to factor him in at some point. True, but Mike probably needs to improve his attitude so he stays on the pro list rather than the con.
The next morning in his office, Harvey tells Jessica that he doesn't want to start another war with Scottie and would rather go with her plan. Jessica's not feeling that, saying they're not going to win a case where Edward Darby sanctioned murder, so she says Harvey is going to have to privately talk Ava Hessington out of suing her and Harvey, at least. "What about when Scottie finds out?" he wonders. Jessica's wordless exit is all the answer he's going to get, which is that it's his problem.
Harvey is shown into the expansive office where he used to meet with Ava Hessington, but she's not there; Travis Tanner is, of all people. He's there representing Ava, and he tells Harvey that she's not letting the suit go. Harvey accuses Tanner of using this as an excuse to try to beat Harvey again. Tanner admits that he saw this as a chance to take Harvey's lunch money. Harvey flips a quarter out of his pocket and tells Tanner to call his mom to tell her to get the tissues ready. "Because you're 0 and 2 against me, and the 0 isn't the number that's gonna change." Ooh, sick burn. Sick, wordy, burn.
Back at the firm, Mike asks Harvey whether he's going after Ava or Tanner, but Harvey says they're going to wait until Tanner deposes him and see what's up. Mike is itching for an assignment in a way that makes Harvey realize he's got girlfriend trouble, and mocks him for it as though Mike's still in high school. Mike points out that people also have girlfriends after high school, not that Harvey would know, not having graduated from high school emotionally. "Because the only thing you ever graduated from is high school," Harvey says. Mike: "Why you gotta go there, man?"
Sheila Sazs from Harvard is in a hotel suite-slash-war room with Louis, showing him some candidate selection software. She invites him into the bedroom, but he says he needs to focus. Yet all it takes to get him interested is for her to show Louis some pictures -- of Louis -- including one from his Harvard days, and another one of him wielding a sword in chain mail. Should have known Louis was a LARP-er. She says there are already fifty of those photos taped to the ceiling. "You won't be looking at the ceiling," Louis says. TMI!
Jessica meets with Scottie at the firm to advise her to keep her cool, not that Scottie thinks she needs the advice. Jessica warns her that Tanner is going to try to get under her skin, like the time he provoked Harvey into punching Tanner in the face. "And if Harvey hadn't done it, I might have." She gives Scottie a little background on Tanner's Oedipal insinuations on that occasion, to alert Scottie that Tanner isn't above getting personal. Or above anything, really.
In Rachel's office, she's trying to show Mike that it can work if she decides to go to Stanford -- again, a decision she's trying to make totally separately from wanting to be with Mike. He's a little more gloom and doom, saying he doesn't know anyone who's ever made a long-distance relationship work. "You choose to go to Stanford, it most likely means we're done." Well, as long as he isn't pressuring her. Jessica, out in the hall, sees him leave her office. Look who just found her way into this particular loop.
After they've finished in bed, Sheila shows Louis the CV of a prize candidate he loves, that she's apparently been saving for him. She invites him to skip work the rest of the day, but he's already feeling guilty about the 77 minutes he just took off, and says he has to go. She hands him the folder and tips her face up for a kiss, but all she gets is a professional "thank you." Clearly not what she was looking for.
Jessica stops by Harvey's office, ostensibly looking for him, but actually just to pump Donna for information. She starts by asking idly about some harmless office gossip about some random, non-speaking employees, and then segues into, "How long have Mike Ross and Rachel Zane been dating?" Donna knows this just got real, but all she can say is, "Uh, a few months." Jessica pursues the thread until she concludes that "He told Robert Zane's daughter his secret." Donna tries to do damage control, and Jessica tells her in no uncertain terms that Donna isn't to say anything to Mike or Rachel about this. "I won't say a word," Donna promises, probably already trying to figure out how to issue the warning some other way.
Mike shows up at Harvey's apartment early in the morning, looking like hell after a sleepless night and wanting to talk personal stuff. Namely, how Harvey avoids letting people in, and has all these relationships without being affected by it. Harvey claims to have a picture of Dorian Gray in his closet, which doesn't amuse Mike. "I wasn't joking," Harvey says. "I was trying to get you to leave so I could have my morning without you judging me." Harvey says he doesn't talk about it, and he keeps his personal life and his business separate. When Mike whines that that isn't working for him, Harvey suggests he call Dr. Phil. "I don't know everything about everything," Harvey says, which is about as vulnerable as he gets. "You want to know how to be a lawyer, I'm your man. You want to know how to deal with love, that's not my area." But he does invite Mike to hang out and take the morning off with Harvey's coffee and bagels. Wow, I think we just realized that Harvey loves Mike.
Louis asks Sheila why his prize candidate is getting offers from seven other firms, and whether it's about his shutting her down before. She points out that she never made any exclusive arrangement with him, and after some veiled repartee about whether they are or not, which is veiled only to Louis, Sheila says that after she's done talking to him, no way will Louis's dream grad join Pearson Darby Specter, "Or whatever bullshit name you're calling yourselves this week." Heh. You go, Sheila.
Harvey and Ava end up in the conference room together after they've both showed up early for the deposition. Harvey still thinks Tanner talked Ava into the malpractice suit, but Ava assures her that this was a result of Harvey's own actions. Well, those of his firm, or rather the partner he never wanted to merge with anyway. She lectures him about how his tactics of intimidation backfired on her, and now they won't work against her new attack dog either. And that was about all she had to say. "So you came here just to vent at me?" Harvey asks. No, she came to see if Harvey is sorry about the way he handled things. Nope, Ava, Harvey's probably all full up on sorry for this season.
A short time later, the parties are present for the deposition, with Scottie, Harvey, and Jessica sitting across from Travis Tanner. Tanner starts right in on Harvey's "side deal" with Darby to take over from Jessica if he won Ava's case. He claims unconvincingly that it was a conflict of interest, and accuses Harvey of knowing from the start that he couldn't lose because he knew Stephen Huntley's murders would be discovered, which, even though Tanner claims to have evidence that Harvey did know, we all know better. And then he tells Scottie that Harvey tried to make his own deal with Ava a few days ago behind Scottie's back. (It seems like Harvey would have seen that coming and confessed to Scottie before now). Luckily for him Scottie plays it cool, but Tanner keeps pushing, getting more and more personal by bringing up how Scottie was engaged the last time she and Harvey hooked up. "Come after me, Tanner," Harvey says. Tanner has decided he's done enough, though.
Later that evening, Mike comes to Rachel's office to ask her for a copy of the deposition, which is his way of showing her that he's giving her space. Not really working, until Mike says that he's going to respect Rachel's process. He says he went to see Harvey earlier, and though he didn't get any advice from him, he realized that he's going to lose Rachel if he's Harvey, and he'll push her away if he's Mike. "You go to Stanford, we'll beat the odds." That seems to be just what she wanted to hear. Not sure why that was so hard.
Scottie comes to Harvey's office, and without Tanner in the room she's got no reason not to yell at him for screwing her and Darby. Harvey reminds her that he tried to include her in that deal and she turned him down, and says that Tanner is just trying to turn them against each other. He says he didn't have a choice. "And neither do you. You just haven't seen that yet." Maybe clear it up for her by being condescending, Harvey.
Louis intercepts Mike in the hallway and tries to get him to convince his favorite candidate to come to the firm. Mike obviously can't help, not knowing the guy, though he claims that they were in different years when of course we all know that Mike's year at Harvard was aught-never. Louis follows Mike all the way down to the bullpen saying this is really about Sheila Sazs. "What about it? I mean her?" Mike asks. Louis tells Mike what happened, and even through his crabbed view of the situation, Mike manages to read that Sheila wants an exclusive relationship with Louis, personally. Louis starts to mansplain to Mike about women until he realizes, "Holy shit, it was staring me right in the face." Yes. Yes, it was.
Travis Tanner meets Scottie on the sidewalk, offering her a coffee. She makes a crack about how it likely has a roofie in it, but Tanner is making a peace offering to join him against Harvey. He just wants her to say Harvey knew about Stephen Huntley's involvement in the murders two months ago. Scottie says she's betrayed Harvey once and is done now, so Tanner presents her with a subpoena of her own. She should have known he'd have a stick to go with the carrot.
Cut to Tanner deposing Scottie, asking her about Harvey's feelings on the merger while she's flanked by Jessica and Harvey. He starts right in, mocking Scottie and trying to get her to admit that she wanted Harvey to fall in love with her. Jessica and Harvey both defend her, as Tanner accuses Scottie of setting up the merger to get back at Harvey, and is dramatically skeptical of Scottie's ignorance in the murders. Scottie says that both Darby and Stephen kept her in the dark on that, so Tanner presents an affidavit from Stephen Huntley saying that Scottie knew all about it. Harvey says that's a lie and calls a halt. And Scottie got all the way to the end of that without losing her cool. Which is why she's better than Harvey.
Donna comes down to visit Mike in the bullpen, supposedly to talk about Scottie's deposition, but really because she wants to talk to Stephen and she knows Harvey would say no. Mike also thinks it's a bad idea, though Donna claims she's trying to protect both Scottie and Harvey. "Because he may not know how he feels but I do." And no, you didn't miss her coded warning to Mike about Jessica unless I did too.
Stephen is ushered into the visiting room at the prison to see Mike and Donna waiting there for him…with the affidavit. They ask him what Tanner offered him in exchange for his lie about Scottie, and he claims that Scottie was his boss, so she should have known. That argument gets less tedious every time somebody makes it this season. Mike says this is just trying to make Darby's testimony look like a lie, which of course it is because Darby never had the conversation with Stephen about the murders that he's now claiming to have had, and Stephen says so. Donna asks Mike for a minute, and as soon as she's alone with Stephen, she accuses him of lying about Scottie, which he admits to. She says, "If anything you ever said to me was true, please don't do this." He says he's sorry, but he has to. Donna looks through the door at Mike, who comes back in and asks if they have what they need. Which they do, because as Mike points out, every conversation here is recorded, and they just got him admitting that his affidavit was a lie. Are they not worried about his saying that Darby's testimony is also a lie? I guess not, because his credibility is probably not what it once was.
Harvey shows up in his office, picks up the folder on his desk, and exchanges significant looks with Donna at hers. Meanwhile, Mike has a visitor to his apartment: Jessica. She makes with the small talk and finds Rachel's sweater, which allows a slick segue into her purpose for being here: "You told Robert Zane's daughter my business." Hey, lady, you hired Robert Zane's daughter in the first place. Mike assures Jessica that Rachel isn't going to tell anyone, and Jessica wants to make sure of that by handing Mike a document for Rachel to sign. "This puts her in jeopardy," Mike objects. Jessica says that he's the one who did that, which is a fair point. "And if I won't do it?" he asks. She says on her way out, "Then you won't be working for me anymore."
Louis is fielding a phone call from Sheila, who doesn't seem entirely enchanted that he drafted a legal document for their exclusivity thing. She tears it up into the phone and tells him the time for words is over, and it's time for deeds; namely, he needs to figure out where she'll be tomorrow night so he can come tell her in person. She hangs up without giving him a clue. Sounds to me like she still wants more words, though.
Harvey finds Tanner walking down the sidewalk and tells him that they've got proof that Stephen's affidavit is bullshit, so he's got nothing on Scottie now. Tanner's not done, though, telling Harvey, "I'm going to drag her ass through the mud left right and center, and when I'm done no firm will touch her with a ten-foot pole." Tanner admits that he doesn't fight fair, and offers Harvey a document with a settlement offer that he warns has a lot of zeroes. "You just need to decide whether you care more about money or your girlfriend." Is that going to be a hard decision?
That evening in Harvey's office, he tells Scottie that while the affidavit is now off the table, Tanner is going to keep coming at her unless they settle. She looks at the offer and shrugs, "You'll never sign this." Harvey says he actually would if it was up to him, but Jessica won't even consider it. Scottie doesn't buy his concern, saying he thinks she can't take it. "I can't take it!" Harvey says, his voice almost breaking. He begs her to let him try to convince Ava that her enemy is Darby, not himself, so Tanner will stop coming after her. Scottie finally agrees.
Mike shows up at Rachel's apartment, reeking of bad news. He tells her about Jessica's visit, and how Jessica is insisting that Rachel sign an affidavit saying that she knows Mike is a fraud. Rachel says that he's got leverage, but that only works to prevent Jessica from exposing him, not firing him. She sits down next to him on the bed and he apologizes to her for putting her in this position. "And the only way I can see out of it is for you to go to Stanford." Well, add that to the pros and cons list, then.
Time for yet another deposition. This time it's Harvey deposing Ava, with Tanner at her side. He starts by trying to get her to admit that she confessed to bribery to him when they first met. Apparently that's not covered by attorney-client privilege any more, now that she's suing him. Tanner points out that she's suing the firm of Pearson Darby Specter, which Jessica and Scottie point out doesn't exist anymore. Ava says she's after them for what they did to her, and Jessica reminds her that Harvey got her a minimal punishment for bribery, beat her murder rap, and stopped her from bribing more witnesses.
Speaking of which, Harvey asks her if she fired him for refusing to bribe witnesses, which we all know she did. Tanner tells her not to answer, but Harvey says she doesn't have to, because they have witnesses. After a moment, Harvey pauses the camera and stands up to talk to Ava off the record. He comes around the table, saying he doesn't want them coming after each other. He tells her he's sorry he didn't listen to her or believe her and that his history with Cameron blew back on her. "But I am not sorry that I did everything in my power to help you every chance we got. If you don't believe that, keep coming. But if you do, I'm asking you to put your anger where it belongs." That seems to get through to her, and Harvey asks Tanner if he's still got that quarter. All three women in the room look at Harvey all, "Oh, you scamp," but Tanner knows he's beaten.
Later, Harvey comes down to break the news to Mike that they won, but Mike's in rather a mood. He rants about the meaninglessness of it all, and "when some real connection comes along, some little piece of happiness--" he stops short, which is normally Harvey's cue to grow up and get his shit together. But this is apparently a softer Harvey we're getting this week, so he puts a fatherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says he's sorry. He's about to make his escape, but Mike asks, "Did she tell you what she did?" Harvey thinks he means Rachel, which tells Mike she didn't, and he tattles to Harvey that Jessica is basically forcing Rachel to go to Stanford. "She found out about you two," Harvey guesses. Mike says he doesn't want Rachel to go, but there's nothing he can do about it.
But maybe Rachel can. She pays a visit to Jessica herself, with the document, which she has yet to sign. She understands that Jessica's suddenly worried about Robert Zane's daughter, which reminded her of something he says: "Don't sign anything unless you can get something in return." And what Rachel wants is for Jessica to waive the Harvard rule for her after she finishes law school. Jessica says that's the longest-standing rule they have, and Rachel sticks to her guns, saying she's better than most of their associates before even going to law school. Jessica says that Rachel is her father's daughter. "But I don't want to work for him," Rachel says. "I want to work for you." Still?
Harvey and Scottie are back at his apartment, having just celebrated with dinner and drinks. They start reminiscing about the old days, until Scottie asks what he wants. "I want to work with you," he says. Unfortunately, he positions it as wanting to help her, like what she wants is for him to do this as a favor. He maintains that he still cares about her. She gets that, having heard it plenty of times from him lately, but it's not enough and so she says no. "If all you want to do is work with me, I can find a job somewhere else." She starts to leave, but Harvey stops her and says he wants more. "I want you in my life."
Mike opens his apartment door to Rachel, who has apparently waived a rule of her own just coming over here. She comes in, sits down, and says she's finished her list. And the answer is Stanford. Mike starts to talk, and then she rips it up, saying, "I don't need a list to tell me I don't want to be without you." Mike's so happy he doesn't even mind having been jerked around for the last hour.
Louis finds Sheila in the wood-paneled file room at Harvard ,where she appears to have laid out a little dinner for them. She says this is like home to her, and he realizes that this is where she wants him to say he wants to be exclusive with her…which he does. She returns the sentiment, and it's actually kind of sweet, in their usual semi-twisted way. They briefly debate whether it's going to be sex or the picnic first, but before either, she slips out to call her mom, telling Louis not to touch any of the files. Louis waits all of about five seconds after she leaves before opening a drawer and finding Harvey's file, complete with photo. Nice surfer hair, law-school Harvey. "What a douche," Louis sneers at the picture. Then he decides to go look up Mike Ross, but of course there's no file for him. Well, now everyone in the regular cast knows about Mike, and I guess we'll have to wait to see how that plays out when the show comes back for the second half of the season. But I'm sure Louis will handle this discovery with the utmost calm and maturity.
At Rachel's apartment, Mike is being pretty quiet, even pissy in the wake of Rachel's revelation that she got into Stanford. He admits that he said he'd support any decision she made, but thought that California was off the table when Rachel got into Columbia. "And we said we love each other." Rachel says it's not that, and that she's trying to decide which school is best using her own pros and cons list without factoring in anything else. Like, you know, Mike. He tells her that she's going to have to factor him in at some point. True, but Mike probably needs to improve his attitude so he stays on the pro list rather than the con.
The next morning in his office, Harvey tells Jessica that he doesn't want to start another war with Scottie and would rather go with her plan. Jessica's not feeling that, saying they're not going to win a case where Edward Darby sanctioned murder, so she says Harvey is going to have to privately talk Ava Hessington out of suing her and Harvey, at least. "What about when Scottie finds out?" he wonders. Jessica's wordless exit is all the answer he's going to get, which is that it's his problem.
Harvey is shown into the expansive office where he used to meet with Ava Hessington, but she's not there; Travis Tanner is, of all people. He's there representing Ava, and he tells Harvey that she's not letting the suit go. Harvey accuses Tanner of using this as an excuse to try to beat Harvey again. Tanner admits that he saw this as a chance to take Harvey's lunch money. Harvey flips a quarter out of his pocket and tells Tanner to call his mom to tell her to get the tissues ready. "Because you're 0 and 2 against me, and the 0 isn't the number that's gonna change." Ooh, sick burn. Sick, wordy, burn.
Back at the firm, Mike asks Harvey whether he's going after Ava or Tanner, but Harvey says they're going to wait until Tanner deposes him and see what's up. Mike is itching for an assignment in a way that makes Harvey realize he's got girlfriend trouble, and mocks him for it as though Mike's still in high school. Mike points out that people also have girlfriends after high school, not that Harvey would know, not having graduated from high school emotionally. "Because the only thing you ever graduated from is high school," Harvey says. Mike: "Why you gotta go there, man?"
Sheila Sazs from Harvard is in a hotel suite-slash-war room with Louis, showing him some candidate selection software. She invites him into the bedroom, but he says he needs to focus. Yet all it takes to get him interested is for her to show Louis some pictures -- of Louis -- including one from his Harvard days, and another one of him wielding a sword in chain mail. Should have known Louis was a LARP-er. She says there are already fifty of those photos taped to the ceiling. "You won't be looking at the ceiling," Louis says. TMI!
Jessica meets with Scottie at the firm to advise her to keep her cool, not that Scottie thinks she needs the advice. Jessica warns her that Tanner is going to try to get under her skin, like the time he provoked Harvey into punching Tanner in the face. "And if Harvey hadn't done it, I might have." She gives Scottie a little background on Tanner's Oedipal insinuations on that occasion, to alert Scottie that Tanner isn't above getting personal. Or above anything, really.
In Rachel's office, she's trying to show Mike that it can work if she decides to go to Stanford -- again, a decision she's trying to make totally separately from wanting to be with Mike. He's a little more gloom and doom, saying he doesn't know anyone who's ever made a long-distance relationship work. "You choose to go to Stanford, it most likely means we're done." Well, as long as he isn't pressuring her. Jessica, out in the hall, sees him leave her office. Look who just found her way into this particular loop.
After they've finished in bed, Sheila shows Louis the CV of a prize candidate he loves, that she's apparently been saving for him. She invites him to skip work the rest of the day, but he's already feeling guilty about the 77 minutes he just took off, and says he has to go. She hands him the folder and tips her face up for a kiss, but all she gets is a professional "thank you." Clearly not what she was looking for.
Jessica stops by Harvey's office, ostensibly looking for him, but actually just to pump Donna for information. She starts by asking idly about some harmless office gossip about some random, non-speaking employees, and then segues into, "How long have Mike Ross and Rachel Zane been dating?" Donna knows this just got real, but all she can say is, "Uh, a few months." Jessica pursues the thread until she concludes that "He told Robert Zane's daughter his secret." Donna tries to do damage control, and Jessica tells her in no uncertain terms that Donna isn't to say anything to Mike or Rachel about this. "I won't say a word," Donna promises, probably already trying to figure out how to issue the warning some other way.
Mike shows up at Harvey's apartment early in the morning, looking like hell after a sleepless night and wanting to talk personal stuff. Namely, how Harvey avoids letting people in, and has all these relationships without being affected by it. Harvey claims to have a picture of Dorian Gray in his closet, which doesn't amuse Mike. "I wasn't joking," Harvey says. "I was trying to get you to leave so I could have my morning without you judging me." Harvey says he doesn't talk about it, and he keeps his personal life and his business separate. When Mike whines that that isn't working for him, Harvey suggests he call Dr. Phil. "I don't know everything about everything," Harvey says, which is about as vulnerable as he gets. "You want to know how to be a lawyer, I'm your man. You want to know how to deal with love, that's not my area." But he does invite Mike to hang out and take the morning off with Harvey's coffee and bagels. Wow, I think we just realized that Harvey loves Mike.
Louis asks Sheila why his prize candidate is getting offers from seven other firms, and whether it's about his shutting her down before. She points out that she never made any exclusive arrangement with him, and after some veiled repartee about whether they are or not, which is veiled only to Louis, Sheila says that after she's done talking to him, no way will Louis's dream grad join Pearson Darby Specter, "Or whatever bullshit name you're calling yourselves this week." Heh. You go, Sheila.
Harvey and Ava end up in the conference room together after they've both showed up early for the deposition. Harvey still thinks Tanner talked Ava into the malpractice suit, but Ava assures her that this was a result of Harvey's own actions. Well, those of his firm, or rather the partner he never wanted to merge with anyway. She lectures him about how his tactics of intimidation backfired on her, and now they won't work against her new attack dog either. And that was about all she had to say. "So you came here just to vent at me?" Harvey asks. No, she came to see if Harvey is sorry about the way he handled things. Nope, Ava, Harvey's probably all full up on sorry for this season.
A short time later, the parties are present for the deposition, with Scottie, Harvey, and Jessica sitting across from Travis Tanner. Tanner starts right in on Harvey's "side deal" with Darby to take over from Jessica if he won Ava's case. He claims unconvincingly that it was a conflict of interest, and accuses Harvey of knowing from the start that he couldn't lose because he knew Stephen Huntley's murders would be discovered, which, even though Tanner claims to have evidence that Harvey did know, we all know better. And then he tells Scottie that Harvey tried to make his own deal with Ava a few days ago behind Scottie's back. (It seems like Harvey would have seen that coming and confessed to Scottie before now). Luckily for him Scottie plays it cool, but Tanner keeps pushing, getting more and more personal by bringing up how Scottie was engaged the last time she and Harvey hooked up. "Come after me, Tanner," Harvey says. Tanner has decided he's done enough, though.
Later that evening, Mike comes to Rachel's office to ask her for a copy of the deposition, which is his way of showing her that he's giving her space. Not really working, until Mike says that he's going to respect Rachel's process. He says he went to see Harvey earlier, and though he didn't get any advice from him, he realized that he's going to lose Rachel if he's Harvey, and he'll push her away if he's Mike. "You go to Stanford, we'll beat the odds." That seems to be just what she wanted to hear. Not sure why that was so hard.
Scottie comes to Harvey's office, and without Tanner in the room she's got no reason not to yell at him for screwing her and Darby. Harvey reminds her that he tried to include her in that deal and she turned him down, and says that Tanner is just trying to turn them against each other. He says he didn't have a choice. "And neither do you. You just haven't seen that yet." Maybe clear it up for her by being condescending, Harvey.
Louis intercepts Mike in the hallway and tries to get him to convince his favorite candidate to come to the firm. Mike obviously can't help, not knowing the guy, though he claims that they were in different years when of course we all know that Mike's year at Harvard was aught-never. Louis follows Mike all the way down to the bullpen saying this is really about Sheila Sazs. "What about it? I mean her?" Mike asks. Louis tells Mike what happened, and even through his crabbed view of the situation, Mike manages to read that Sheila wants an exclusive relationship with Louis, personally. Louis starts to mansplain to Mike about women until he realizes, "Holy shit, it was staring me right in the face." Yes. Yes, it was.
Travis Tanner meets Scottie on the sidewalk, offering her a coffee. She makes a crack about how it likely has a roofie in it, but Tanner is making a peace offering to join him against Harvey. He just wants her to say Harvey knew about Stephen Huntley's involvement in the murders two months ago. Scottie says she's betrayed Harvey once and is done now, so Tanner presents her with a subpoena of her own. She should have known he'd have a stick to go with the carrot.
Cut to Tanner deposing Scottie, asking her about Harvey's feelings on the merger while she's flanked by Jessica and Harvey. He starts right in, mocking Scottie and trying to get her to admit that she wanted Harvey to fall in love with her. Jessica and Harvey both defend her, as Tanner accuses Scottie of setting up the merger to get back at Harvey, and is dramatically skeptical of Scottie's ignorance in the murders. Scottie says that both Darby and Stephen kept her in the dark on that, so Tanner presents an affidavit from Stephen Huntley saying that Scottie knew all about it. Harvey says that's a lie and calls a halt. And Scottie got all the way to the end of that without losing her cool. Which is why she's better than Harvey.
Donna comes down to visit Mike in the bullpen, supposedly to talk about Scottie's deposition, but really because she wants to talk to Stephen and she knows Harvey would say no. Mike also thinks it's a bad idea, though Donna claims she's trying to protect both Scottie and Harvey. "Because he may not know how he feels but I do." And no, you didn't miss her coded warning to Mike about Jessica unless I did too.
Stephen is ushered into the visiting room at the prison to see Mike and Donna waiting there for him…with the affidavit. They ask him what Tanner offered him in exchange for his lie about Scottie, and he claims that Scottie was his boss, so she should have known. That argument gets less tedious every time somebody makes it this season. Mike says this is just trying to make Darby's testimony look like a lie, which of course it is because Darby never had the conversation with Stephen about the murders that he's now claiming to have had, and Stephen says so. Donna asks Mike for a minute, and as soon as she's alone with Stephen, she accuses him of lying about Scottie, which he admits to. She says, "If anything you ever said to me was true, please don't do this." He says he's sorry, but he has to. Donna looks through the door at Mike, who comes back in and asks if they have what they need. Which they do, because as Mike points out, every conversation here is recorded, and they just got him admitting that his affidavit was a lie. Are they not worried about his saying that Darby's testimony is also a lie? I guess not, because his credibility is probably not what it once was.
Harvey shows up in his office, picks up the folder on his desk, and exchanges significant looks with Donna at hers. Meanwhile, Mike has a visitor to his apartment: Jessica. She makes with the small talk and finds Rachel's sweater, which allows a slick segue into her purpose for being here: "You told Robert Zane's daughter my business." Hey, lady, you hired Robert Zane's daughter in the first place. Mike assures Jessica that Rachel isn't going to tell anyone, and Jessica wants to make sure of that by handing Mike a document for Rachel to sign. "This puts her in jeopardy," Mike objects. Jessica says that he's the one who did that, which is a fair point. "And if I won't do it?" he asks. She says on her way out, "Then you won't be working for me anymore."
Louis is fielding a phone call from Sheila, who doesn't seem entirely enchanted that he drafted a legal document for their exclusivity thing. She tears it up into the phone and tells him the time for words is over, and it's time for deeds; namely, he needs to figure out where she'll be tomorrow night so he can come tell her in person. She hangs up without giving him a clue. Sounds to me like she still wants more words, though.
Harvey finds Tanner walking down the sidewalk and tells him that they've got proof that Stephen's affidavit is bullshit, so he's got nothing on Scottie now. Tanner's not done, though, telling Harvey, "I'm going to drag her ass through the mud left right and center, and when I'm done no firm will touch her with a ten-foot pole." Tanner admits that he doesn't fight fair, and offers Harvey a document with a settlement offer that he warns has a lot of zeroes. "You just need to decide whether you care more about money or your girlfriend." Is that going to be a hard decision?
That evening in Harvey's office, he tells Scottie that while the affidavit is now off the table, Tanner is going to keep coming at her unless they settle. She looks at the offer and shrugs, "You'll never sign this." Harvey says he actually would if it was up to him, but Jessica won't even consider it. Scottie doesn't buy his concern, saying he thinks she can't take it. "I can't take it!" Harvey says, his voice almost breaking. He begs her to let him try to convince Ava that her enemy is Darby, not himself, so Tanner will stop coming after her. Scottie finally agrees.
Mike shows up at Rachel's apartment, reeking of bad news. He tells her about Jessica's visit, and how Jessica is insisting that Rachel sign an affidavit saying that she knows Mike is a fraud. Rachel says that he's got leverage, but that only works to prevent Jessica from exposing him, not firing him. She sits down next to him on the bed and he apologizes to her for putting her in this position. "And the only way I can see out of it is for you to go to Stanford." Well, add that to the pros and cons list, then.
Time for yet another deposition. This time it's Harvey deposing Ava, with Tanner at her side. He starts by trying to get her to admit that she confessed to bribery to him when they first met. Apparently that's not covered by attorney-client privilege any more, now that she's suing him. Tanner points out that she's suing the firm of Pearson Darby Specter, which Jessica and Scottie point out doesn't exist anymore. Ava says she's after them for what they did to her, and Jessica reminds her that Harvey got her a minimal punishment for bribery, beat her murder rap, and stopped her from bribing more witnesses.
Speaking of which, Harvey asks her if she fired him for refusing to bribe witnesses, which we all know she did. Tanner tells her not to answer, but Harvey says she doesn't have to, because they have witnesses. After a moment, Harvey pauses the camera and stands up to talk to Ava off the record. He comes around the table, saying he doesn't want them coming after each other. He tells her he's sorry he didn't listen to her or believe her and that his history with Cameron blew back on her. "But I am not sorry that I did everything in my power to help you every chance we got. If you don't believe that, keep coming. But if you do, I'm asking you to put your anger where it belongs." That seems to get through to her, and Harvey asks Tanner if he's still got that quarter. All three women in the room look at Harvey all, "Oh, you scamp," but Tanner knows he's beaten.
Later, Harvey comes down to break the news to Mike that they won, but Mike's in rather a mood. He rants about the meaninglessness of it all, and "when some real connection comes along, some little piece of happiness--" he stops short, which is normally Harvey's cue to grow up and get his shit together. But this is apparently a softer Harvey we're getting this week, so he puts a fatherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says he's sorry. He's about to make his escape, but Mike asks, "Did she tell you what she did?" Harvey thinks he means Rachel, which tells Mike she didn't, and he tattles to Harvey that Jessica is basically forcing Rachel to go to Stanford. "She found out about you two," Harvey guesses. Mike says he doesn't want Rachel to go, but there's nothing he can do about it.
But maybe Rachel can. She pays a visit to Jessica herself, with the document, which she has yet to sign. She understands that Jessica's suddenly worried about Robert Zane's daughter, which reminded her of something he says: "Don't sign anything unless you can get something in return." And what Rachel wants is for Jessica to waive the Harvard rule for her after she finishes law school. Jessica says that's the longest-standing rule they have, and Rachel sticks to her guns, saying she's better than most of their associates before even going to law school. Jessica says that Rachel is her father's daughter. "But I don't want to work for him," Rachel says. "I want to work for you." Still?
Harvey and Scottie are back at his apartment, having just celebrated with dinner and drinks. They start reminiscing about the old days, until Scottie asks what he wants. "I want to work with you," he says. Unfortunately, he positions it as wanting to help her, like what she wants is for him to do this as a favor. He maintains that he still cares about her. She gets that, having heard it plenty of times from him lately, but it's not enough and so she says no. "If all you want to do is work with me, I can find a job somewhere else." She starts to leave, but Harvey stops her and says he wants more. "I want you in my life."
Mike opens his apartment door to Rachel, who has apparently waived a rule of her own just coming over here. She comes in, sits down, and says she's finished her list. And the answer is Stanford. Mike starts to talk, and then she rips it up, saying, "I don't need a list to tell me I don't want to be without you." Mike's so happy he doesn't even mind having been jerked around for the last hour.
Louis finds Sheila in the wood-paneled file room at Harvard ,where she appears to have laid out a little dinner for them. She says this is like home to her, and he realizes that this is where she wants him to say he wants to be exclusive with her…which he does. She returns the sentiment, and it's actually kind of sweet, in their usual semi-twisted way. They briefly debate whether it's going to be sex or the picnic first, but before either, she slips out to call her mom, telling Louis not to touch any of the files. Louis waits all of about five seconds after she leaves before opening a drawer and finding Harvey's file, complete with photo. Nice surfer hair, law-school Harvey. "What a douche," Louis sneers at the picture. Then he decides to go look up Mike Ross, but of course there's no file for him. Well, now everyone in the regular cast knows about Mike, and I guess we'll have to wait to see how that plays out when the show comes back for the second half of the season. But I'm sure Louis will handle this discovery with the utmost calm and maturity.
Under the dome-You Don’t Have To Go, Dome, But You Can’t Stay Here
So the stupid goddamn monarch butterfly is emerging from its chrysalis in the mini-dome in That Idiot Ben’s room. Joe and Norrie are delighted, while Officer Linda is confused and wants to know what’s going on. No one answers, and then Linda is still, "How long have you guys known about this?" Good question, Linda! How long have they known about this thing THAT EVEN YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS YET?
She looks at Carolyn -- who says she’s only known for a couple of days -- and warns Linda not to do anything rash, because acting rashly is this show’s modus operandi. Joe tells her it’s the source of the dome, which they don’t actually know is true, and they can kind of talk to it. "It told us the monarch will be crowned!" says Norrie, as though she thinks that’s supposed to mean something to Linda. Joe admits they don’t know what that means, but that’s a monarch butterfly in there, and they have to get it out "before it hurts itself or worse." What? Carolyn tells Linda she knows how it all sounds, but she believes them. How it sounds is like they’re making it up as they go along, but who would do that? Right?
Over at the town hall, Big Jim is actually mad at Barbie for pleading "not guilty," and he punches him the stomach. Barbie says Big Jim’s taking a big gamble because Julia’s still out there and knows Big Jim is full of shit. "You entered your plea. Now you get your justice," says Big Jim.
Junior is right where we left him, making sweet love to the dome with his face. "Tell me!" he yells, and then he softens his voice, "Why do you want me to kill my father?" For the crime of bringing you into this world, that’s a start. I could go on, really I could smh.
Julia sits up in her hospital bed, despite the protests of Angie, who tells her she’s got to stay hidden. Julia says she’s the only who can exonerate Barbie, and Angie’s all, "Exactly!" Which is why Big Jim will have her killed before you can tell anyone, and this is ground they’ve covered before. But Julia ignores her and says Angie doesn’t have to come with her, but she can’t stop her.
Back in That Idiot Ben’s room, Linda tells the other idiots, "You don’t know anything about this thing," meaning the egg. If I’m not mistaken, that brings the total number of correct things that Linda knows up to two, along with, "This is a safe deposit box." Linda says it could be radioactive. "The big dome isn’t," says Norrie. Her logic, that "one thing isn’t radioactive, so therefore this other thing isn’t", is impeccable, I’ll grant you. But Linda’s not convinced and says the dome is police property. Then everyone notices that the butterfly inside is fluttering around and whenever it hits the dome, it makes little black splotches that spread over the surface.
In the jail cell, Barbie asks Big Jim if he really thought Barbie would make this easy for him. Barbie naively says he can at least try to take Big Jim down with him. Big Jim chuckles at that, and says he could end it right now with a bullet. Big Jim raises a good question: Why doesn’t he just do that and lie about it like he’s done with everyone else? Barbie thinks he knows why: "There’s no audience here." You mean like the audience that wasn’t there when Big Jim murdered everyone else we’ve seen so far? Sure thing, Barbie.
Back at That Idiot Ben’s room, Joe further explains that the butterfly flutters to the ground, seemingly injured or perhaps already weary of Joe being the character equivalent of the described-video button on your remote control. Then That Idiot Ben goes to the window and asks if it’s him or if it’s getting "crazy dark" outside, when in reality what’s happening is black blotches are spreading on the maxi-dome, too. This seems a little more significant and worth pointing out than wondering if it’s "getting crazy dark."
At the town hall, the encroaching darkness thankfully puts an end to Big Jim and Barbie jawing at each other, as Big Jim goes outside to see what’s going on. The street is lousy with the extras who sometimes populate the town and sometimes don’t. They're all getting freaked out, and muttering about how they have to get home, while the darkness descends and the town’s streetlights come on. Junior, meanwhile, yells some more at the dome, wondering what he’s supposed to do. And then the dome is all black, and we can see the wide shot of the entire dome from outside. I believe the area to the left is supposed to be where the mother of all bombs was detonated, but instead of looking like the scorched earth we saw when it happened. It just looks like the rest of the land, only shadowy.
After the opening credits, That Idiot Ben says, "It’s the middle of the day, and it looks like it’s midnight out there." I can see why Ben and Joe are friends. "See? The dome’s trying to tell us something," says Joe. Then Norrie and Joe argue about what the darkness means, which really aught to convince Linda that neither of them speak fluent dome. She’s had enough, and then she gets on her radio and is all, "All available units to Ben Drake’s house," and unless "All Available Units" is Junior’s nickname hehe …WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, LINDA?! Sure enough, Junior picks up the walkie-talkie he’d dropped earlier, and Linda tells him to get his ass over there. Big Jim has also heard her say she’s "found another dome" which would be utterly incomprehensible to anyone who didn’t already know about the mini-one, and Linda tells him he needs to see this.
Now the mini-dome is shrieking again, and Linda yells for them to make it stop. Norrie says they don’t know how, and Joe is all, "We kinda do, remember?" and then Joe and Norrie spend five minutes casting suspicious looks at each other and are basically, "Oh, yeah! We just have to touch it, that’s the ticket." Then Stupid Linda, for some reason, can’t tell that they’re acting super-shifty, and she asserts that it’s police property so if anyone’s going to touch it, it’s going to be her. She takes off her gun and radio, cautiously approaches the dome, and does what every person does when they’re touching something unfamiliar for the first time: She closes her eyes and puts her entire palm on it. Naturally, it zaps her across the room, knocking her against a wall, and she collapses, unconscious.
Over at the clinic, Angie helps Julia walk down the hall, while the two of them argue about whether they should go after the egg or Barbie first. Angie votes "egg" because if Linda takes the mini-dome and it ends up in the wrong hands. Wait, Angie wasn’t there when Linda showed up, was she? God, this show. Anyway, Julia’s counter-argument is that this might be their only shot to save Barbie’s life, and after a moment, Angie agrees.
Back in That Idiot Ben’s bedroom, Carolyn checks for Linda’s pulse and says she’ll be fine, and I’m no doctor, but I know that "has a pulse" is not necessarily the same as "not going to die." "It was the only way!" says Joe. Then Junior rushes in and has a tantrum and is all "screw Angie" because Angie helped Julia escape "police custody." Ben pops his head in and says, "It’s Big Jim! He’s almost here," whatever that’s supposed to mean, like maybe Ben checked his Marauder’s Map or something. Norrie and Joe appeal to Junior, asking him if he wants his dad to lock the mini-dome up before they can get answers from it. Junior hesitates, and then agrees to come with them.
Then we see Angie and Julia stroll into the town hall. Angie is unnecessarily saying that "everyone must be out dealing with the blackout," as though town hall is normally a hive of activity when we see it. Julia heads to the cells while Angie goes to get the keys, because who doesn’t know where a sheriff keeps the keys to the jail?
The real reason for them to separate is so Julia and Barbie can have a little time to themselves to reunite, with Barbie amazed that Julia’s still standing. Even the characters themselves are pointing out plot holes now. Barbie forgets to add that Julia has the best hair of a bedridden gunshot victim ever. Then they kiss through the bars, until Angie rushes in and tells the lovebirds "that’s enough" because "it’s go time."
Back at the house, Big Jim finds Linda in That Idiot Ben’s room. He helps her to her feet, and she groggily tells him that the kids think it’s the generator, and they need to find it since it’s their best shot at getting out of here.
For now the mini-dome is covered up, in the back of a truck with Junior (who is driving), Joe and Norrie in the front seat, wondering about how the hell they’re going to get in touch with Angie for the big mini-dome reunion. Junior points out she’s got a police radio, but Norrie argues they can’t send out a message that "the entire force" will hear, like what is up with the sudden references to a whole entire police force? Is this just so they can have more police characters next season and pretend they were there the whole time?
Barbie, Angie and Julia head upstairs to the town office looking for handcuff keys (Barbie still has his hands shackled behind his back) but they meet Phil Bushey and some guy we’ve never seen before who has a gun. But Barbie still manages to kick the crap out of Phil, even with both hands tied behind his back -- all Phil can do is yank off Barbie’s dog tag -- and when New Guy puts the gun to the back of Barbie’s head, Angie brains him with a fire extinguisher. Take that, new guy! But we look forward to your role next year as Phil’s Buddy! Angie’s walkie-talkie crackles to life. In That Idiot Ben’s room, Linda and Big Jim can hear it, too, as Joe tells his sister that they’re on the move with the mini-dome, and he wants her to meet them at the place where they hid when they broke their mom’s old mirror. While I appreciate his craftiness in one regard, was it really necessary to announce that you have the mini-dome at all?
As it turns out, Angie and Joe hid out at the cement factory. Did that thing ever actually produce cement? Junior’s skeptical that they’ll be able to do anything, because the butterfly that he didn’t even see that shouldn’t have been in the dome -- well, sphere -- at all is probably dead.
Then Barbie shows up, and Junior draws his gun, and doesn’t believe Julia when she says it was Maxine who shot her. Why is he skeptical? Because Maxine is his dad’s friend. You know, except for the fact that his dad called her evil. This nonsense is interrupted by red, glowing palm prints starting to appear on the surface of the dome.
Big Jim and Linda are leaving That Idiot Ben’s house (I notice Ben’s parents never once showed up, not even to see if their son was okay after the world turned black) when Phil radios to tell her that Julia helped Barbie escape. Linda says she’s on her way, and not, for example, "Wait, why would Julia help the man who shot her escape? That makes no sense!"
So, here we are: the four morons standing around the dome, ready to put their palms on it again. When they do, it starts glowing a blinding bright white, and then shatters into pieces. "It opened up!" says Joe, in case any of the rest of them went blind, I suppose. Their elation disappears when they see the butterfly isn’t moving. "We’re too late," is the assumption, instead of "We killed it when we broke the dome", or even "Well, I’m not an entomologist." Then the butterfly starts to move, flitting around, dive-bombing each of them in turn before circling around and making a couple of laps around Barbie, who wants to know what the hell is going on here. "I knew it. You’re the monarch," says Joe, and Junior looks pissed.
Meanwhile, Big Jim driving down the street and comes along a steady stream of people who are making their way to the church. He gets out and stops a woman who tells him that everyone is "getting right with the Lord." He’s a little surprised because, he says, it’s a crisis, not the apocalypse, so she spouts a Bible verse about the sun turning "as black as sackcloth," and says it’s all happening. Well, that one thing. And not even that one thing, since it wasn’t the sun that became black at all. But I guess what do you expect from someone who knows the Book of Revelation so well that she calls it Revelations?
Inside the church are the crew of people who are praying and humming and reading from Bibles, including kids who clearly look angry that they are apparently going to spend their last moments in church. For all the fear and confusion, though, it’s pretty quiet, and Big Jim strolls down the center aisle, and then gets up on the altar or whatever and, as though he called them all here, says "Thank you for coming." I mean, he knows that they know he didn’t call them here, right? He says there’s been a spiritual "hole" since the passing of Reverend Coggins, but "the good Lord has not forgotten Chester’s Mill." And then one gets up and is all, "My crops!” and someone else is like, "What if it gets cold?” This is one of those anxious crowds that, nevertheless, is not going to step all over each other’s lines, but nod and agree after people taking turns speaking. Big Jim guarantees the I’m Worried About Freezing lady that nothing like that will happen and the I Need Sunlight For My Crops guy asks how Big Jim can know that. Big Jim stands there and can’t answer, before finally admitting, "I don’t."
The crowd looks disheartened, and then Big Jim starts talking about the faith he has in them and in God and how there’s been too much lawlessness in this town since the dome came down, but that ends now. (They all nod in agreement). "Chester’s Mill will have its new dawn," he says, and everyone starts saying "amen" because all it took for them to stop worrying about the BLACK DOME was for Big Jim to speak for fifteen seconds about the faith he has.
Over at the cement factory, Junior says he refuses to accept that Barbie is the monarch, and Joe is all, "This has to be the way the dome selects a new leader," like ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO YOURSELF JOE, YOU DON’T ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON.
The egg starts vibrating, just a little at first, and then it starts shaking violently and it turns blindingly white as well. What’s more, the ground around them starts to shake, and everyone just immediately wants to abandon the egg that they went to so much trouble to protect. Except for Julia, who walks towards it and reaches for it, with people screaming that it’s too dangerous, except for the fact that they know nothing about it at all and in fact they had their hands on the mini-dome/sphere when it was bright white too.
When Julia picks up the egg, it goes back to black, the shaking stops, and the butterfly flits over and alights on the egg. "She’s your monarch," says Barbie. Honestly, the most reasonable explanation is that this was just a regular butterfly all along that happened to get caught in the under the mini-dome.
Over at the town hall, Phil shows up because Big Jim SUMMONED HIM SOMEHOW. Big Jim has pulled a book from a shelf and shows something in it to Phil, telling him he wants to gather as many carpenters as he can to make it. Big Jim’s own great-grandfather made the last one Chester’s Mill had, apparently. It’s a gallows. Yes! Phil’s all, "Are you serious?" and Big Jim says that the town is on the brink of chaos, so they need to show they’re serious about law and order. "Okay. For Dodee," says Phil solemnly, and Big Jim is all, "Yes. For Dodee, who I totally didn’t kill."
Linda has gone to look for the egg at the McAllister barn. Finding nothing but the stars painted on the barn walls, she radios Jim -- I guess Angie and her crew aren’t listening in? -- to tell him there’s nothing there but some weird art project. Then she notices “pink stars are falling in lines” written on the wall, and she reads it out, and it hits Big Jim hard. He sits down and makes her repeat it. She does, and asks if it means something to him. “Not for a long time. Meet me at my house, Linda,” he whispers.
Over at the cement factory, everyone is all, "Well, Monarch Julia, what do we do now?" and I hate them all so much. At least Junior thinks this is all stupid, and he wants to take the egg to the "real authorities" but Angie says they’re not turning it over to that monster Big Jim. Junior gets angry and pulls out his gun because he’s tired of everyone running down his dad, who is the only one keeping the town together. For those of you keeping score at home, Junior loves his dad again. Barbie -- pretty ballsy for a guy with his hands tied behind his back -- tells Junior that he saw his father execute Maxine, and Junior doesn’t believe his father would ever hurt a woman.
When Julia tries to tell Junior to calm down, he tells her to shut up, because all she does is lie. He announces to everyone else that Julia confessed here "in these same tunnels" that she got fired from her last job for lying. I gotta say that the betrayed-puppy look Barbie throws at Julia is a bit much, considering his own long-kept secret about how HE KILLED HER HUSBAND.
Junior cocks his gun and tells Julia to hand over the egg. She slowly approaches him and then tosses it to Angie, yelling for everyone to run. Everyone scatters, except Barbie, who rams Junior to distract him while everyone else escapes. But Phil Bushey is one thing, and Raging Junior is another, and Junior’s able to get the advantage against arms-tied Barbie, pounding him in the face a bit before pulling his gun out, yelling, "You’re done!" and marching him out of there.
We’re now over at Junior’s mom’s art studio. Linda asks, "Jim, will you just tell me what’s going on?" Good job asking that NOW THAT YOU’RE HERE. Jim says she wouldn’t believe him, so he had to show her. That’s hilarious, considering how Linda swallows absolutely everything Jim says.
Anyway, he explains that in the last months before his wife died, she was not herself and was ranting and kept repeating "pink stars are falling." "Are you sure?" Linda asks. Yes, Linda, he’s probably sure about the circumstances surrounding the premature death of his wife. But Linda’s not done: "Maybe it’s a coincidence?" You know, if Big Jim were to shoot Linda right now, it would have zero consequence on the effectiveness of the Chester’s Mill police force. Instead, Big Jim shows her a painting of rows of pink stars behind a black egg.
Out in the middle of the pitch-black woods, Norrie, Joe, Julia and Angie manage to meet up. I guess one of them has a flashlight, which is a certainly a good thing to have on when you’re running from the cops in the dark. So what do they do now? If they destroy the egg, do they destroy the dome? Or do they cause another earthquake? Let’s just ask it, they decide, like it’s a goddamn Magic Eight Ball, and Norrie takes it from Julia, and says, "Please, just tell us what to do."
Nothing happens. And then Joe sees, thanks to the ambient light that isn’t actually there because there are no sun, moon or stars to see in the forest with, Alice, Norrie’s other mom. Considering she died several episodes ago, I can understand why Norrie’s freaked out.
Back at Mrs. Rennie’s awful art studio, Big Jim is lamenting that all the time he thought his wife was sick she was just trying to warn them, and maybe he could have done more to help her. Linda says that if she saw the dome coming, it means his family’s important. "You’re important," she says. Oh, good, that’s all Big Jim needs. Someone to keep his ego inflated. Also: What are you basing that on? Remember when you used to have a fiancé? Anyway, Junior radios to tell them he’s got Barbie in custody and is bringing him in.
Back to the forest, Norrie approaches her mom. Julia stops her, saying she doesn’t think it’s her mother. So Alice steps forward instead. "Forgive us. We’re still learning to speak with you. We took on a familiar appearance to help bridge the divide," she says. Norrie’s all, "WTF?" Joe -- proving what a genius he is -- shines the flashlight on her, and we see the light passing through, and he says he thinks it’s whoever put up the dome. OH, YOU DO, DO YOU? YOU FIGURED IT OUT? YOU CRACKED WHAT SHE MEANT BY "WE"?
Angie asks why they’re being punished, and Ghost Alien Alice looks confused. "The dome wasn’t sent to punish you. It was sent to protect you." Julia asks what they need to be protected from. "You’ll see, in time," says Ghost Alien Alice. How about, "NO, TELL US NOW"? Nobody says that, but Angie asks how they can see anything now that they’ve blocked out the lights. I’d like to point out that you guys seem to be doing fine seeing in the dark here, but Ghost Alien Alice says, "If you want the darkness to abate, you must earn the light," she says, adding, "By protecting the egg." Julia says, "If we fail, it’s the end, isn’t it, for all of us." Not really asking a question. After a moment, Ghost Alien Alice nods. Nobody asks why they’re doing this, but Julia does ask how they protect it, and what they’re protecting it from, but Ghost Alien Alice is already gone.
Junior arrives at the town hall. The gallows are practically already done, although to be fair, Phil has had at least fifteen minutes to gather carpenters, materials and start construction. Jesus, this show.
Big Jim comes to visit Barbie in the cells. "Welcome back,” he says, smugly, and asks where the kids took the egg. "It’s the key to all this, isn’t it? Making the darkness go away, controlling the dome…" Barbie tells Big Jim that he’s not the god he thinks he is. “I think we both know what you really are.” “What’s that, a criminal?” asks Big Jim. “Worse. A politician,” says Barbie. I have to admit, this -- this tone-deaf sick burn on those fat cats in Washington -- may have been the most surprising scene of the episode. Even Dean Norris looks like he can’t believe this was a scene.
Julia and the teenagers have made their way to the diner. "Are those gallows going up next to city hall?" asks Joe. Hey, aren’t you supposed to be telling us things we can see with our own eyes? Nobody even bothers to answer him. Julia wonders what they should do with the egg. Maybe they should hide it? Norrie says they’re all stuck in the same podunk town and there’s nowhere to hide it. Let me see if I understand what you’re saying: You’re saying that you can’t hide the over-sized egg, even after you successfully hid it when it was encased in a MUCH LARGER SPHERE?
Big Jim’s voice comes crackling over the radio, so I guess they’re listening to it again. He has a message for Julia: "We know you have a dangerous weapon in your possession. Bring it to us now, and we’ll discuss a reduced sentence for your accomplice, Dale Barbara." If she fails to respond within the hour, then Barbie will pay "the ultimate price" for his crimes. Hey, Linda, are you listening? Barbie is now Julia’s "accomplice"? Is any of this getting through to you?
Junior strolls in, and deflects his dad’s praise for bringing in Barbie, and Junior tells him the other teenage morons wanted to assassinate Big Jim, for being dangerous and murdering people. Big Jim asks if he believes it. "Should I?" asks Junior.
Big Jim tells him that before today he never put much stock in miracles, but he went to the art studio today. "You saw them, the paintings?" asks Junior. Oh, did he. Big Jim says the dome wasn’t an accident, but destiny. Their destiny. "There’s nothing a good man won’t do for the people he loves. That’s what your mom used to say all the time, right?" Like it’s an actual saying or something.
Big Jim tells Junior he has taken lives, but none that didn’t need to be taken for the good of the town. He didn’t tell Junior because he wanted to protect him, but that was a mistake because they’re in this together because they’re the Rennies and Junior’s mom tried to tell them and… GOOD GOD THIS IS TAKING FOREVER JUST STOP TALKING STOP IT. The upshot is from now on they’re best buds again. Only Junior looks conflicted, so he’ll be back on Angie’s side in a couple of episodes. But for now, the Rennies will hug.
Meanwhile, over in the diner, the idiots are still talking about how they should do something instead of actually doing anything. And now they recap the conversation they had with Ghost Alien Alice fifteen fucking minutes ago. And Julia stares soulfully at the egg. "How do we protect Chester’s Mill and save Barbie?" asks Joe. Julia says they can’t. But if she’s really the monarch, this has to be her decision. She wants them to get somewhere safe. Joe asks what she’s going to do, and Julia doesn’t answer.
In Big Jim’s office, he looks at the wall clock. It’s… what the hell? What is that, four and a half o’clock? This show can’t even get clocks right! Big Jim nods his head at Junior, who leaves.
Julia drives her car out to… is this Methane Lake or is this some totally new lake?
Back at the town hall, the townspeople have gathered around the gallows with Big Jim on the platform. Nobody seems to think it’s weird that a couple of hours ago Big Jim was talking about his faith in God and the town and the end of lawlessness but is now just about to straight-up execute a guy who hasn’t had a trial. Junior leads Barbie up the steps as Big Jim speechifies about certain elements sowing the seeds of hatred, but today, Chester’s Mill sentences Dale Barbara to death.
Over at Methane Lake, Julia stands in a boat, holding the egg and looking into the water. No rush or anything, Julia, but Junior is, right now, putting the noose around Barbie’s head, so whatever you’re going to do, you might want to -- oh, you’re going to take out Barbie’s dog tag so you can stare at it for a few moments?
The pink stars rising in lines converge at the apex of the dome, and white light spreads across the surface of the dome, bathing everyone in brightness. While everyone gawks and shields their eyes, Big Jim yells at Junior to throw the lever. We pull out to see that the dome has gone from opaque black to opaque white. And that closes the saddest chapter in American television history. Will Barbie be hanged to death? Will they ever get out? Will this ever make sense? Will people please stop watching this horrifying thing? Do people really have nothing better to do than watch this?
And a question from Nigerian student, will ASUU strike ever end?
She looks at Carolyn -- who says she’s only known for a couple of days -- and warns Linda not to do anything rash, because acting rashly is this show’s modus operandi. Joe tells her it’s the source of the dome, which they don’t actually know is true, and they can kind of talk to it. "It told us the monarch will be crowned!" says Norrie, as though she thinks that’s supposed to mean something to Linda. Joe admits they don’t know what that means, but that’s a monarch butterfly in there, and they have to get it out "before it hurts itself or worse." What? Carolyn tells Linda she knows how it all sounds, but she believes them. How it sounds is like they’re making it up as they go along, but who would do that? Right?
Over at the town hall, Big Jim is actually mad at Barbie for pleading "not guilty," and he punches him the stomach. Barbie says Big Jim’s taking a big gamble because Julia’s still out there and knows Big Jim is full of shit. "You entered your plea. Now you get your justice," says Big Jim.
Junior is right where we left him, making sweet love to the dome with his face. "Tell me!" he yells, and then he softens his voice, "Why do you want me to kill my father?" For the crime of bringing you into this world, that’s a start. I could go on, really I could smh.
Julia sits up in her hospital bed, despite the protests of Angie, who tells her she’s got to stay hidden. Julia says she’s the only who can exonerate Barbie, and Angie’s all, "Exactly!" Which is why Big Jim will have her killed before you can tell anyone, and this is ground they’ve covered before. But Julia ignores her and says Angie doesn’t have to come with her, but she can’t stop her.
Back in That Idiot Ben’s room, Linda tells the other idiots, "You don’t know anything about this thing," meaning the egg. If I’m not mistaken, that brings the total number of correct things that Linda knows up to two, along with, "This is a safe deposit box." Linda says it could be radioactive. "The big dome isn’t," says Norrie. Her logic, that "one thing isn’t radioactive, so therefore this other thing isn’t", is impeccable, I’ll grant you. But Linda’s not convinced and says the dome is police property. Then everyone notices that the butterfly inside is fluttering around and whenever it hits the dome, it makes little black splotches that spread over the surface.
In the jail cell, Barbie asks Big Jim if he really thought Barbie would make this easy for him. Barbie naively says he can at least try to take Big Jim down with him. Big Jim chuckles at that, and says he could end it right now with a bullet. Big Jim raises a good question: Why doesn’t he just do that and lie about it like he’s done with everyone else? Barbie thinks he knows why: "There’s no audience here." You mean like the audience that wasn’t there when Big Jim murdered everyone else we’ve seen so far? Sure thing, Barbie.
Back at That Idiot Ben’s room, Joe further explains that the butterfly flutters to the ground, seemingly injured or perhaps already weary of Joe being the character equivalent of the described-video button on your remote control. Then That Idiot Ben goes to the window and asks if it’s him or if it’s getting "crazy dark" outside, when in reality what’s happening is black blotches are spreading on the maxi-dome, too. This seems a little more significant and worth pointing out than wondering if it’s "getting crazy dark."
At the town hall, the encroaching darkness thankfully puts an end to Big Jim and Barbie jawing at each other, as Big Jim goes outside to see what’s going on. The street is lousy with the extras who sometimes populate the town and sometimes don’t. They're all getting freaked out, and muttering about how they have to get home, while the darkness descends and the town’s streetlights come on. Junior, meanwhile, yells some more at the dome, wondering what he’s supposed to do. And then the dome is all black, and we can see the wide shot of the entire dome from outside. I believe the area to the left is supposed to be where the mother of all bombs was detonated, but instead of looking like the scorched earth we saw when it happened. It just looks like the rest of the land, only shadowy.
After the opening credits, That Idiot Ben says, "It’s the middle of the day, and it looks like it’s midnight out there." I can see why Ben and Joe are friends. "See? The dome’s trying to tell us something," says Joe. Then Norrie and Joe argue about what the darkness means, which really aught to convince Linda that neither of them speak fluent dome. She’s had enough, and then she gets on her radio and is all, "All available units to Ben Drake’s house," and unless "All Available Units" is Junior’s nickname hehe …WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, LINDA?! Sure enough, Junior picks up the walkie-talkie he’d dropped earlier, and Linda tells him to get his ass over there. Big Jim has also heard her say she’s "found another dome" which would be utterly incomprehensible to anyone who didn’t already know about the mini-one, and Linda tells him he needs to see this.
Now the mini-dome is shrieking again, and Linda yells for them to make it stop. Norrie says they don’t know how, and Joe is all, "We kinda do, remember?" and then Joe and Norrie spend five minutes casting suspicious looks at each other and are basically, "Oh, yeah! We just have to touch it, that’s the ticket." Then Stupid Linda, for some reason, can’t tell that they’re acting super-shifty, and she asserts that it’s police property so if anyone’s going to touch it, it’s going to be her. She takes off her gun and radio, cautiously approaches the dome, and does what every person does when they’re touching something unfamiliar for the first time: She closes her eyes and puts her entire palm on it. Naturally, it zaps her across the room, knocking her against a wall, and she collapses, unconscious.
Over at the clinic, Angie helps Julia walk down the hall, while the two of them argue about whether they should go after the egg or Barbie first. Angie votes "egg" because if Linda takes the mini-dome and it ends up in the wrong hands. Wait, Angie wasn’t there when Linda showed up, was she? God, this show. Anyway, Julia’s counter-argument is that this might be their only shot to save Barbie’s life, and after a moment, Angie agrees.
Back in That Idiot Ben’s bedroom, Carolyn checks for Linda’s pulse and says she’ll be fine, and I’m no doctor, but I know that "has a pulse" is not necessarily the same as "not going to die." "It was the only way!" says Joe. Then Junior rushes in and has a tantrum and is all "screw Angie" because Angie helped Julia escape "police custody." Ben pops his head in and says, "It’s Big Jim! He’s almost here," whatever that’s supposed to mean, like maybe Ben checked his Marauder’s Map or something. Norrie and Joe appeal to Junior, asking him if he wants his dad to lock the mini-dome up before they can get answers from it. Junior hesitates, and then agrees to come with them.
Then we see Angie and Julia stroll into the town hall. Angie is unnecessarily saying that "everyone must be out dealing with the blackout," as though town hall is normally a hive of activity when we see it. Julia heads to the cells while Angie goes to get the keys, because who doesn’t know where a sheriff keeps the keys to the jail?
The real reason for them to separate is so Julia and Barbie can have a little time to themselves to reunite, with Barbie amazed that Julia’s still standing. Even the characters themselves are pointing out plot holes now. Barbie forgets to add that Julia has the best hair of a bedridden gunshot victim ever. Then they kiss through the bars, until Angie rushes in and tells the lovebirds "that’s enough" because "it’s go time."
Back at the house, Big Jim finds Linda in That Idiot Ben’s room. He helps her to her feet, and she groggily tells him that the kids think it’s the generator, and they need to find it since it’s their best shot at getting out of here.
For now the mini-dome is covered up, in the back of a truck with Junior (who is driving), Joe and Norrie in the front seat, wondering about how the hell they’re going to get in touch with Angie for the big mini-dome reunion. Junior points out she’s got a police radio, but Norrie argues they can’t send out a message that "the entire force" will hear, like what is up with the sudden references to a whole entire police force? Is this just so they can have more police characters next season and pretend they were there the whole time?
Barbie, Angie and Julia head upstairs to the town office looking for handcuff keys (Barbie still has his hands shackled behind his back) but they meet Phil Bushey and some guy we’ve never seen before who has a gun. But Barbie still manages to kick the crap out of Phil, even with both hands tied behind his back -- all Phil can do is yank off Barbie’s dog tag -- and when New Guy puts the gun to the back of Barbie’s head, Angie brains him with a fire extinguisher. Take that, new guy! But we look forward to your role next year as Phil’s Buddy! Angie’s walkie-talkie crackles to life. In That Idiot Ben’s room, Linda and Big Jim can hear it, too, as Joe tells his sister that they’re on the move with the mini-dome, and he wants her to meet them at the place where they hid when they broke their mom’s old mirror. While I appreciate his craftiness in one regard, was it really necessary to announce that you have the mini-dome at all?
As it turns out, Angie and Joe hid out at the cement factory. Did that thing ever actually produce cement? Junior’s skeptical that they’ll be able to do anything, because the butterfly that he didn’t even see that shouldn’t have been in the dome -- well, sphere -- at all is probably dead.
Then Barbie shows up, and Junior draws his gun, and doesn’t believe Julia when she says it was Maxine who shot her. Why is he skeptical? Because Maxine is his dad’s friend. You know, except for the fact that his dad called her evil. This nonsense is interrupted by red, glowing palm prints starting to appear on the surface of the dome.
Big Jim and Linda are leaving That Idiot Ben’s house (I notice Ben’s parents never once showed up, not even to see if their son was okay after the world turned black) when Phil radios to tell her that Julia helped Barbie escape. Linda says she’s on her way, and not, for example, "Wait, why would Julia help the man who shot her escape? That makes no sense!"
So, here we are: the four morons standing around the dome, ready to put their palms on it again. When they do, it starts glowing a blinding bright white, and then shatters into pieces. "It opened up!" says Joe, in case any of the rest of them went blind, I suppose. Their elation disappears when they see the butterfly isn’t moving. "We’re too late," is the assumption, instead of "We killed it when we broke the dome", or even "Well, I’m not an entomologist." Then the butterfly starts to move, flitting around, dive-bombing each of them in turn before circling around and making a couple of laps around Barbie, who wants to know what the hell is going on here. "I knew it. You’re the monarch," says Joe, and Junior looks pissed.
Meanwhile, Big Jim driving down the street and comes along a steady stream of people who are making their way to the church. He gets out and stops a woman who tells him that everyone is "getting right with the Lord." He’s a little surprised because, he says, it’s a crisis, not the apocalypse, so she spouts a Bible verse about the sun turning "as black as sackcloth," and says it’s all happening. Well, that one thing. And not even that one thing, since it wasn’t the sun that became black at all. But I guess what do you expect from someone who knows the Book of Revelation so well that she calls it Revelations?
Inside the church are the crew of people who are praying and humming and reading from Bibles, including kids who clearly look angry that they are apparently going to spend their last moments in church. For all the fear and confusion, though, it’s pretty quiet, and Big Jim strolls down the center aisle, and then gets up on the altar or whatever and, as though he called them all here, says "Thank you for coming." I mean, he knows that they know he didn’t call them here, right? He says there’s been a spiritual "hole" since the passing of Reverend Coggins, but "the good Lord has not forgotten Chester’s Mill." And then one gets up and is all, "My crops!” and someone else is like, "What if it gets cold?” This is one of those anxious crowds that, nevertheless, is not going to step all over each other’s lines, but nod and agree after people taking turns speaking. Big Jim guarantees the I’m Worried About Freezing lady that nothing like that will happen and the I Need Sunlight For My Crops guy asks how Big Jim can know that. Big Jim stands there and can’t answer, before finally admitting, "I don’t."
The crowd looks disheartened, and then Big Jim starts talking about the faith he has in them and in God and how there’s been too much lawlessness in this town since the dome came down, but that ends now. (They all nod in agreement). "Chester’s Mill will have its new dawn," he says, and everyone starts saying "amen" because all it took for them to stop worrying about the BLACK DOME was for Big Jim to speak for fifteen seconds about the faith he has.
Over at the cement factory, Junior says he refuses to accept that Barbie is the monarch, and Joe is all, "This has to be the way the dome selects a new leader," like ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO YOURSELF JOE, YOU DON’T ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON.
The egg starts vibrating, just a little at first, and then it starts shaking violently and it turns blindingly white as well. What’s more, the ground around them starts to shake, and everyone just immediately wants to abandon the egg that they went to so much trouble to protect. Except for Julia, who walks towards it and reaches for it, with people screaming that it’s too dangerous, except for the fact that they know nothing about it at all and in fact they had their hands on the mini-dome/sphere when it was bright white too.
When Julia picks up the egg, it goes back to black, the shaking stops, and the butterfly flits over and alights on the egg. "She’s your monarch," says Barbie. Honestly, the most reasonable explanation is that this was just a regular butterfly all along that happened to get caught in the under the mini-dome.
Over at the town hall, Phil shows up because Big Jim SUMMONED HIM SOMEHOW. Big Jim has pulled a book from a shelf and shows something in it to Phil, telling him he wants to gather as many carpenters as he can to make it. Big Jim’s own great-grandfather made the last one Chester’s Mill had, apparently. It’s a gallows. Yes! Phil’s all, "Are you serious?" and Big Jim says that the town is on the brink of chaos, so they need to show they’re serious about law and order. "Okay. For Dodee," says Phil solemnly, and Big Jim is all, "Yes. For Dodee, who I totally didn’t kill."
Linda has gone to look for the egg at the McAllister barn. Finding nothing but the stars painted on the barn walls, she radios Jim -- I guess Angie and her crew aren’t listening in? -- to tell him there’s nothing there but some weird art project. Then she notices “pink stars are falling in lines” written on the wall, and she reads it out, and it hits Big Jim hard. He sits down and makes her repeat it. She does, and asks if it means something to him. “Not for a long time. Meet me at my house, Linda,” he whispers.
Over at the cement factory, everyone is all, "Well, Monarch Julia, what do we do now?" and I hate them all so much. At least Junior thinks this is all stupid, and he wants to take the egg to the "real authorities" but Angie says they’re not turning it over to that monster Big Jim. Junior gets angry and pulls out his gun because he’s tired of everyone running down his dad, who is the only one keeping the town together. For those of you keeping score at home, Junior loves his dad again. Barbie -- pretty ballsy for a guy with his hands tied behind his back -- tells Junior that he saw his father execute Maxine, and Junior doesn’t believe his father would ever hurt a woman.
When Julia tries to tell Junior to calm down, he tells her to shut up, because all she does is lie. He announces to everyone else that Julia confessed here "in these same tunnels" that she got fired from her last job for lying. I gotta say that the betrayed-puppy look Barbie throws at Julia is a bit much, considering his own long-kept secret about how HE KILLED HER HUSBAND.
Junior cocks his gun and tells Julia to hand over the egg. She slowly approaches him and then tosses it to Angie, yelling for everyone to run. Everyone scatters, except Barbie, who rams Junior to distract him while everyone else escapes. But Phil Bushey is one thing, and Raging Junior is another, and Junior’s able to get the advantage against arms-tied Barbie, pounding him in the face a bit before pulling his gun out, yelling, "You’re done!" and marching him out of there.
We’re now over at Junior’s mom’s art studio. Linda asks, "Jim, will you just tell me what’s going on?" Good job asking that NOW THAT YOU’RE HERE. Jim says she wouldn’t believe him, so he had to show her. That’s hilarious, considering how Linda swallows absolutely everything Jim says.
Anyway, he explains that in the last months before his wife died, she was not herself and was ranting and kept repeating "pink stars are falling." "Are you sure?" Linda asks. Yes, Linda, he’s probably sure about the circumstances surrounding the premature death of his wife. But Linda’s not done: "Maybe it’s a coincidence?" You know, if Big Jim were to shoot Linda right now, it would have zero consequence on the effectiveness of the Chester’s Mill police force. Instead, Big Jim shows her a painting of rows of pink stars behind a black egg.
Out in the middle of the pitch-black woods, Norrie, Joe, Julia and Angie manage to meet up. I guess one of them has a flashlight, which is a certainly a good thing to have on when you’re running from the cops in the dark. So what do they do now? If they destroy the egg, do they destroy the dome? Or do they cause another earthquake? Let’s just ask it, they decide, like it’s a goddamn Magic Eight Ball, and Norrie takes it from Julia, and says, "Please, just tell us what to do."
Nothing happens. And then Joe sees, thanks to the ambient light that isn’t actually there because there are no sun, moon or stars to see in the forest with, Alice, Norrie’s other mom. Considering she died several episodes ago, I can understand why Norrie’s freaked out.
Back at Mrs. Rennie’s awful art studio, Big Jim is lamenting that all the time he thought his wife was sick she was just trying to warn them, and maybe he could have done more to help her. Linda says that if she saw the dome coming, it means his family’s important. "You’re important," she says. Oh, good, that’s all Big Jim needs. Someone to keep his ego inflated. Also: What are you basing that on? Remember when you used to have a fiancé? Anyway, Junior radios to tell them he’s got Barbie in custody and is bringing him in.
Back to the forest, Norrie approaches her mom. Julia stops her, saying she doesn’t think it’s her mother. So Alice steps forward instead. "Forgive us. We’re still learning to speak with you. We took on a familiar appearance to help bridge the divide," she says. Norrie’s all, "WTF?" Joe -- proving what a genius he is -- shines the flashlight on her, and we see the light passing through, and he says he thinks it’s whoever put up the dome. OH, YOU DO, DO YOU? YOU FIGURED IT OUT? YOU CRACKED WHAT SHE MEANT BY "WE"?
Angie asks why they’re being punished, and Ghost Alien Alice looks confused. "The dome wasn’t sent to punish you. It was sent to protect you." Julia asks what they need to be protected from. "You’ll see, in time," says Ghost Alien Alice. How about, "NO, TELL US NOW"? Nobody says that, but Angie asks how they can see anything now that they’ve blocked out the lights. I’d like to point out that you guys seem to be doing fine seeing in the dark here, but Ghost Alien Alice says, "If you want the darkness to abate, you must earn the light," she says, adding, "By protecting the egg." Julia says, "If we fail, it’s the end, isn’t it, for all of us." Not really asking a question. After a moment, Ghost Alien Alice nods. Nobody asks why they’re doing this, but Julia does ask how they protect it, and what they’re protecting it from, but Ghost Alien Alice is already gone.
Junior arrives at the town hall. The gallows are practically already done, although to be fair, Phil has had at least fifteen minutes to gather carpenters, materials and start construction. Jesus, this show.
Big Jim comes to visit Barbie in the cells. "Welcome back,” he says, smugly, and asks where the kids took the egg. "It’s the key to all this, isn’t it? Making the darkness go away, controlling the dome…" Barbie tells Big Jim that he’s not the god he thinks he is. “I think we both know what you really are.” “What’s that, a criminal?” asks Big Jim. “Worse. A politician,” says Barbie. I have to admit, this -- this tone-deaf sick burn on those fat cats in Washington -- may have been the most surprising scene of the episode. Even Dean Norris looks like he can’t believe this was a scene.
Julia and the teenagers have made their way to the diner. "Are those gallows going up next to city hall?" asks Joe. Hey, aren’t you supposed to be telling us things we can see with our own eyes? Nobody even bothers to answer him. Julia wonders what they should do with the egg. Maybe they should hide it? Norrie says they’re all stuck in the same podunk town and there’s nowhere to hide it. Let me see if I understand what you’re saying: You’re saying that you can’t hide the over-sized egg, even after you successfully hid it when it was encased in a MUCH LARGER SPHERE?
Big Jim’s voice comes crackling over the radio, so I guess they’re listening to it again. He has a message for Julia: "We know you have a dangerous weapon in your possession. Bring it to us now, and we’ll discuss a reduced sentence for your accomplice, Dale Barbara." If she fails to respond within the hour, then Barbie will pay "the ultimate price" for his crimes. Hey, Linda, are you listening? Barbie is now Julia’s "accomplice"? Is any of this getting through to you?
Junior strolls in, and deflects his dad’s praise for bringing in Barbie, and Junior tells him the other teenage morons wanted to assassinate Big Jim, for being dangerous and murdering people. Big Jim asks if he believes it. "Should I?" asks Junior.
Big Jim tells him that before today he never put much stock in miracles, but he went to the art studio today. "You saw them, the paintings?" asks Junior. Oh, did he. Big Jim says the dome wasn’t an accident, but destiny. Their destiny. "There’s nothing a good man won’t do for the people he loves. That’s what your mom used to say all the time, right?" Like it’s an actual saying or something.
Big Jim tells Junior he has taken lives, but none that didn’t need to be taken for the good of the town. He didn’t tell Junior because he wanted to protect him, but that was a mistake because they’re in this together because they’re the Rennies and Junior’s mom tried to tell them and… GOOD GOD THIS IS TAKING FOREVER JUST STOP TALKING STOP IT. The upshot is from now on they’re best buds again. Only Junior looks conflicted, so he’ll be back on Angie’s side in a couple of episodes. But for now, the Rennies will hug.
Meanwhile, over in the diner, the idiots are still talking about how they should do something instead of actually doing anything. And now they recap the conversation they had with Ghost Alien Alice fifteen fucking minutes ago. And Julia stares soulfully at the egg. "How do we protect Chester’s Mill and save Barbie?" asks Joe. Julia says they can’t. But if she’s really the monarch, this has to be her decision. She wants them to get somewhere safe. Joe asks what she’s going to do, and Julia doesn’t answer.
In Big Jim’s office, he looks at the wall clock. It’s… what the hell? What is that, four and a half o’clock? This show can’t even get clocks right! Big Jim nods his head at Junior, who leaves.
Julia drives her car out to… is this Methane Lake or is this some totally new lake?
Back at the town hall, the townspeople have gathered around the gallows with Big Jim on the platform. Nobody seems to think it’s weird that a couple of hours ago Big Jim was talking about his faith in God and the town and the end of lawlessness but is now just about to straight-up execute a guy who hasn’t had a trial. Junior leads Barbie up the steps as Big Jim speechifies about certain elements sowing the seeds of hatred, but today, Chester’s Mill sentences Dale Barbara to death.
Over at Methane Lake, Julia stands in a boat, holding the egg and looking into the water. No rush or anything, Julia, but Junior is, right now, putting the noose around Barbie’s head, so whatever you’re going to do, you might want to -- oh, you’re going to take out Barbie’s dog tag so you can stare at it for a few moments?
The pink stars rising in lines converge at the apex of the dome, and white light spreads across the surface of the dome, bathing everyone in brightness. While everyone gawks and shields their eyes, Big Jim yells at Junior to throw the lever. We pull out to see that the dome has gone from opaque black to opaque white. And that closes the saddest chapter in American television history. Will Barbie be hanged to death? Will they ever get out? Will this ever make sense? Will people please stop watching this horrifying thing? Do people really have nothing better to do than watch this?
And a question from Nigerian student, will ASUU strike ever end?
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Riddick: Assault on Planet 13
Before getting down to business, Riddick opens with a bit of housecleaning, sweeping away the loose ends left over from Chronicles, which concluded with Riddick essentially becoming Pope for a race of deep space religious nuts. He's barely begun his reign before growing weary of the responsibility and more or less invites his own coup at the hands of a former nemesis (Karl Urban, doing Twohy a solid by appearing in an ultra-brief cameo), after which he's deposited on a distant desert planet to die. Instead though, this world becomes his training ground for a Rocky III-like comeback, as he sheds his "soft" self and re-emerges as the rough, tough Fightin' Furyan we met in Pitch Black. This sequence, which lasts roughly fifteen minutes and unfolds with no dialogue save for the odd line of extraneous voiceover, is actually a good deal of fun in a trashy way, with Diesel (whose typically at his most charismatic when he's not talking) stalking the landscape, befriending some alien life forms (specifically a multi-colored space mutt) and killing others (some kind of plus-sized pond monster) in hand-to-hand combat.
Just when you think Riddick may become Twohy's version of Into the Wild (and boy, would I have enjoyed the hell out of that), an approaching storm -- and the monsters that accompany it -- convinces Riddick that it's time to get the hell off this rock. So he activates a distress beacon in a conveniently located bunker and brings in the cavalry: two competing teams of bounty hunters each eager to claim the reward that accompanies capturing and/or killing him. (The bounty is higher if they opt for the latter.) It's here that the Carpenter touch really kicks in, as the rest of Riddick becomes an unofficial remake of Assault on Precinct 13 (itself a then-modern day version of a Western), albeit a remake where the audience is encouraged to root for the precinct-assaulting bad guy, rather than the precinct-defending cops.
In true B-movie fashion, the bounty hunters are characterized by specific traits rather than three fully-rounded dimensions. For example, Santana (Jordi Mollá) is the rape-happy swordsman; Diaz (WWE personality Dave Bautista) is the mountain of muscle; Johns (Matt Nable) is the professional veteran; and Dahl -- pronounced "Doll" -- (Katee Sackhoff) is the butch lesbian. (A quick aside about Sackhoff; she's a terrific addition to the franchise, demonstrating more 'tude and muscle than even the leading man. But it's dispiriting to see her character marginalized and objectified as the movie goes along, repeatedly put in the position of fending off threats of sexual assault and Riddick's blunt advances. That's particularly disappointing when you remember that Twohy centered Pitch Black around Radha Mitchell's Carolyn Fry, a similarly confident, capable and no-nonsense woman who wasn't regularly subjected to the leering gaze of the men around her. Hell, that was the same role Sackhoff played on Battlestar Galactica for four seasons, which makes her treatment here all the more unfortunate.) The cat-and-mouse game between Riddick and his would-be capturers occupies the bulk of the movie's bloated mid-section (during which Diesel curiously spends a lot of time offscreen), until good ol' Dick decides to stop messing around and gets down to the business of getting off-world before whatever's coming hits with full force.
Although Riddick is thankfully free of the overbearing mythology that strangled Chronicles, it also doesn't have the relentless forward momentum of Pitch Black, where the characters had to get from Point A to Point B in total darkness, menaced on all sides by nocturnal critters. A siege movie at heart, this installment doesn't take the characters anywhere, instead forcing them to wait around until danger shows up on their doorstep. And when that danger finally arrives, it proves entirely underwhelming: a squad of flesh-eating lizards poorly rendered by some bargain-basement CG that lack the personality -- and more importantly, the menace -- of the Pitch Black creatures. And yet, even with all its obvious deficiencies, there's some modest entertainment to be derived from Riddick; Twohy and Diesel have an obvious affection for the style and lingo of the pulpy sci-fi stories of the '50s (as well as the dirt-cheap exploitation movies of the '70s) and bring some of that to bear here in the design of the planet and Riddick's man-of-few-words demeanor. I also have to underline again how much I enjoyed watching Sackhoff go toe-to-toe with Diesel, even with Twohy's script undermining her at almost every turn. I'm not sure that Riddick is an effective argument in favor of continuing Riddick's solo adventures, but it's a more fitting conclusion to his chronicles than the previous movie
Just when you think Riddick may become Twohy's version of Into the Wild (and boy, would I have enjoyed the hell out of that), an approaching storm -- and the monsters that accompany it -- convinces Riddick that it's time to get the hell off this rock. So he activates a distress beacon in a conveniently located bunker and brings in the cavalry: two competing teams of bounty hunters each eager to claim the reward that accompanies capturing and/or killing him. (The bounty is higher if they opt for the latter.) It's here that the Carpenter touch really kicks in, as the rest of Riddick becomes an unofficial remake of Assault on Precinct 13 (itself a then-modern day version of a Western), albeit a remake where the audience is encouraged to root for the precinct-assaulting bad guy, rather than the precinct-defending cops.
In true B-movie fashion, the bounty hunters are characterized by specific traits rather than three fully-rounded dimensions. For example, Santana (Jordi Mollá) is the rape-happy swordsman; Diaz (WWE personality Dave Bautista) is the mountain of muscle; Johns (Matt Nable) is the professional veteran; and Dahl -- pronounced "Doll" -- (Katee Sackhoff) is the butch lesbian. (A quick aside about Sackhoff; she's a terrific addition to the franchise, demonstrating more 'tude and muscle than even the leading man. But it's dispiriting to see her character marginalized and objectified as the movie goes along, repeatedly put in the position of fending off threats of sexual assault and Riddick's blunt advances. That's particularly disappointing when you remember that Twohy centered Pitch Black around Radha Mitchell's Carolyn Fry, a similarly confident, capable and no-nonsense woman who wasn't regularly subjected to the leering gaze of the men around her. Hell, that was the same role Sackhoff played on Battlestar Galactica for four seasons, which makes her treatment here all the more unfortunate.) The cat-and-mouse game between Riddick and his would-be capturers occupies the bulk of the movie's bloated mid-section (during which Diesel curiously spends a lot of time offscreen), until good ol' Dick decides to stop messing around and gets down to the business of getting off-world before whatever's coming hits with full force.
Although Riddick is thankfully free of the overbearing mythology that strangled Chronicles, it also doesn't have the relentless forward momentum of Pitch Black, where the characters had to get from Point A to Point B in total darkness, menaced on all sides by nocturnal critters. A siege movie at heart, this installment doesn't take the characters anywhere, instead forcing them to wait around until danger shows up on their doorstep. And when that danger finally arrives, it proves entirely underwhelming: a squad of flesh-eating lizards poorly rendered by some bargain-basement CG that lack the personality -- and more importantly, the menace -- of the Pitch Black creatures. And yet, even with all its obvious deficiencies, there's some modest entertainment to be derived from Riddick; Twohy and Diesel have an obvious affection for the style and lingo of the pulpy sci-fi stories of the '50s (as well as the dirt-cheap exploitation movies of the '70s) and bring some of that to bear here in the design of the planet and Riddick's man-of-few-words demeanor. I also have to underline again how much I enjoyed watching Sackhoff go toe-to-toe with Diesel, even with Twohy's script undermining her at almost every turn. I'm not sure that Riddick is an effective argument in favor of continuing Riddick's solo adventures, but it's a more fitting conclusion to his chronicles than the previous movie
Winnie Mandela
Part of the problem is that co-writer/director Darrell Roodt falls into the common biopic trap of trying to distill Mandela's entire life into a limited running time (in this case a mere 107 minutes), an approach that almost always leaves some of the most interesting material on the table in favor of speeding along to the next big event. That's especially restrictive in Winnie Mandela's case since, to be fair, so many of the major events in her life revolved around her husband's prison sentence. Barely 15 minutes have elapsed, during which we briefly glimpse Winnie's childhood in a rural village and her subsequent trip to the big city in order to attend a prestigious school, before she meets Nelson (Terrence Howard) and his concerns and public crusade to win more rights for native South Africans very quickly become hers. Not long after their marriage (which happens at about the half-hour mark), he's arrested, given a show trial and deposited in prison, leaving Winnie to continue the fight on the outside. Over the next 27 years, from 1963 until Mandela's release in 1990, she raises their children, campaigns for her husband's release, becomes a leading voice against apartheid and endures her own brutal stint in jail.
All of these events are depicted in the movie, but what's not onscreen is a vivid sense of who Winnie Mandela was and is. As written and played by Hudson, she has one defining character trait: steely defiance, which -- in the movie's version of events anyway -- stems from her desire to prove her worthiness to her father, who always wanted a male heir. And while Hudson plays that one note well (she's come a long way in emoting onscreen since her Dreamgirls turn, where she seemed stiff and uncertain whenever the music stopped), it's not enough to sustain the character over the course of the movie. Roodt also skims over the most controversial -- and therefore dramatically rich -- part of Winnie's life, when, during the '80s, she allegedly embraced a more violent approach to fighting for equal rights and was even tried and convicted in the death of a teenager who may have been an informant. Instead, the focus keeps drifting back to the other Mandela and the way his wife's activities affect him rather than her, up to his eventual decision to divorce her after his release lest her reputation affect his fledgling Presidency. The entire movie feels like a backdoor pilot for the Nelson Mandela movie Roodt wanted to make… if only Elba and Long Walk to Freedom director Justin Chadwick hadn't beaten him to it.
All of these events are depicted in the movie, but what's not onscreen is a vivid sense of who Winnie Mandela was and is. As written and played by Hudson, she has one defining character trait: steely defiance, which -- in the movie's version of events anyway -- stems from her desire to prove her worthiness to her father, who always wanted a male heir. And while Hudson plays that one note well (she's come a long way in emoting onscreen since her Dreamgirls turn, where she seemed stiff and uncertain whenever the music stopped), it's not enough to sustain the character over the course of the movie. Roodt also skims over the most controversial -- and therefore dramatically rich -- part of Winnie's life, when, during the '80s, she allegedly embraced a more violent approach to fighting for equal rights and was even tried and convicted in the death of a teenager who may have been an informant. Instead, the focus keeps drifting back to the other Mandela and the way his wife's activities affect him rather than her, up to his eventual decision to divorce her after his release lest her reputation affect his fledgling Presidency. The entire movie feels like a backdoor pilot for the Nelson Mandela movie Roodt wanted to make… if only Elba and Long Walk to Freedom director Justin Chadwick hadn't beaten him to it.
Under the Dome- All roads lead to DOME
Quick little montage of images: the mini dome glows purple, pink stars rising in lines. Julia sleeps and Barbie hides out in the woods. He is able to escape detection by a search party with flashlights by hiding behind a tree, because instead of spreading out they appear to be walking single goddamn file.
It's daylight now and Big Jim addresses a throng of suddenly concerned citizens that they will hunt down "the murderer Dale Barbara." Some guy named Miles is all, "What if he’s hiding in our homes?" and this Miles (why are they starting to introduce new characters now for the second season?) apparently wants people’s homes to be searched. It's nice that Carolyn is finally back, so she can say it’s illegal to just randomly search people’s homes. Big Jim turns on a dime from initially blustering that they won’t be searching homes because the Constitution still applies, to immediately saying they will search homes, and he’s declaring a state of emergency (which he already did, but much later than he should have). The muttering and cheering of this crowd is ridiculously over the top as Big Jim douses the scenery with HP sauce and just chomps it to pieces.
Linda mutters that she won’t turn the town into a police-state and he says, "It’s not me, Linda. It’s the people." He winds the crowd up by yelling that this is the beginning -- not the end -- of Chester’s Mill, and there are jobs to do (a reservoir that needs protecting! Crops that need tending! Fight clubs that need security!) and sacrifices to be made. But, Chester’s Mill will live to see next year and the year after that. Yes, yes, we know the show was renewed. You don’t have to rub our faces in it.
Over at the radio station, Dodee is listening to the hilariously non-private military channel that consists of nothing but two non-specific military personnel talking about how essential it is that they find Dale Barbara. Oh, also, they’re looking for "the egg," but it doesn’t mean anything if they can’t find Dale Barbara. But the mention of the egg twigs a memory for her, and she goes to her phone, where she finds a picture she took of the egg. "That’s what burned me!" she says. On Under the Dome, they don’t even need a second person in the room for expository dialogue to be spoken.
Three-quarters of the Moron Quartet are watching the lines on the egg and wondering what it all means over at the barn. "I think it’s mad we didn’t kill Big Jim," says Angie. Joe points out that they don’t even know that’s what it wants. But he is sure that the monarch is Barbie, even if the others are skeptical. Angie’s sure it’s not Junior though, after the way he ran off. Yeah, it was pretty suspicious when he took off AFTER SEEING A VISION OF HIS DAD BEING STABBED TO DEATH. Joe’s also excited about the impending hatching of the chrysalis, because he knows things will change then.
Carolyn bursts into the barn, and is stunned to see the egg. "It’s, like, the dome’s heart," Norrie "explains." Joe says they think it’s the source of the dome’s power, and Norrie confesses it’s the thing in the woods that showed her the vision of Other Mom and sent her home to say goodbye. Carolyn wants them to hide it, since homes are going to be searched. "You’re not mad?" asks Norrie, surprised, and Carolyn says she’s always on Norrie’s side and that she doesn’t trust Big Jim at all. Angie tells them to take it to Ben’s, since they can trust him, and I have to wonder if there isn’t some way that they could hide the egg in a goddamn barn rather than make a risky journey with it all the way over to idiot Ben’s place. "You’re not coming?" says Joe. "I have business with Big Jim," says Angie.
Meanwhile, over at the Sweetbriar Rose, Linda is warning the unruly mob to treat their neighbors with respect, to not damage property, and to not kill Dale Barbara. Ugh, why even bother signing up for a lynch mob, then?
Phil Bushey is back to get his car keys from Linda and offer a helping hand. Junior shows up to hug his dad and make sure he hasn’t been killed to death yet. Big Jim is weirded out by the show of affection, and a little concerned when Junior explains that someone is going to try to kill Big Jim…but can’t say how he knows. A little rattled, Big Jim tells Junior to get a hold of himself, because he’s got a job for Junior: he’s got people guarding Julia to make sure Barbie doesn’t finish the job (that Big Jim knows damn well he didn’t start) but he wants someone he trusts on the inside to make sure Julia’s safe).
His real purpose, of course, is that he wants Junior to let him know if Julia wakes up and starts talking. "No one else, just me," he says. Junior agrees, and warns his dad to be careful.
Then Dodee rushes up to tell Big Jim he’s got to come to the radio station. Big Jim doesn’t want "to overwhelm the public with more announcements," whatever that’s supposed to mean. Dodee explains about the military searching for Barbie — and something else.
Angie leaves the barn, only to be grabbed by Barbie, who covers her mouth and carries her, screaming and struggling around the corner. She calms down and tells him a lot of people are looking for him, in case he didn’t know. He warns her that Big Jim’s going to kill Julia, because if she wakes up and starts telling people that Barbie didn’t try to kill her, Big Jim’s story falls apart. He wants her candy striper key card, and wants her to help him save Julia.
After the title screen and commercial break, Junior’s at the hospital, quizzing the nurse about how Julia’s doing. The nurse alternates between telling Junior things like there’s no telling how much neurological damage she’s suffered and "I’m not a doctor, Junior." She leaves to go check on other patients, and Junior takes up his guard post.
Outside, Angie and Barbie are in the bushes sizing up the security at the hospital. Barbie’s plan is to hot wire an ambulance, get Julia, and then leave, essentially. He truly is some sort of Special Forces tactical badass, isn’t he? Angie points out that Big Jim’s likely to have more security inside and may have even moved her already, since he’s got to realize Barbie will be coming for her. "There are a lot of ifs here," she says. Barbie concludes that Big Jim is taking out everyone who stands in his way, so is she in or out? Then he gives her a cigarette, like he did when they first met. Sure, have a cigarette. Julia’s going to live forever.
At the radio station, Big Jim grumbles about how there’s been no sign of the military for a week, and now they want Barbie? And the military wants some sort of egg? Dodee shows him the picture on her phone. Kinda weird how they waited until they were at the radio station to have this conversation, huh? Dodee doesn’t know what it did, but it “burned the crap” out of her hand.
Dodee leaves to go make sure the music is still going, like she promised Phil. Big Jim is left alone with the receiver just in time to hear the soldier and his superior chatting about the location of the egg and the whereabouts of Barbie, as well as who the ranking official in town is: James Rennie. One of the Military Guys asks if they should get in touch with Jim, and the soldier says, "No, because after the missile strike, routine surveillance spotted Big Jim murdering the town reverend." Big Jim scrambles to shut it off, but not before Dodee has come back and apparently heard enough. They stare at each other.
Ben takes half a second to get on my nerves by skateboarding up his front walk instead of walking to talk to that Miles guy, who is pitching in by picking up people’s garbage. Once they’re gone, Ben hears Joe giving him a “Pssst!” from over in the bushes, so he skateboards (of course) over and finds Joe and Norrie and their wagon transporting a large round thing covered under a blanket, which they managed to get here without anyone seeing them, apparently. It’s something they need to hide from the sweeps, and Ben says they already did his house: "My stash house is your stash house," he says.
Over at the hospital, Barbie and Angie make their move, having finished their smoke break, I guess. Angie uses her key card and the two of them skulk around the hospital, encountering zero security until they see Junior, who isn’t so much guarding Julia as starring at her. Barbie, gun cocked, thinks he can take Junior before he has a chance to use his walkie-talkie, but Angie, spotting a candy striper uniform conveniently close at hand, has another idea.
At the radio station, a frightened looking Dodee says she thought what happened to the reverend was an accident. Big Jim says, "He was an accident waiting to happen." Well, that should put her mind at ease. He tells her she doesn’t know the whole story, and neither do the "peeping toms" with their eyes in the sky. She wants to know how many other "accidents" there have been, and has already reached the conclusion that Barbie didn’t do what Big Jim has accused him of doing. "Every one of those people got what was coming to them," he says, adding his usual embellishments of how all he’s ever wanted is what’s best for the town.
Somehow, his megalomania seems to convince her, and she seems fully on board when he asks her about the picture of the egg she showed him, which she remembers now was taken at the McAllisters’ barn. She thinks it could be the generator for the dome, adding, "Maybe, if you get this thing, you can bring down the dome." She offers to get it for him, and it quickly becomes clear that she wasn’t on board with his insanity but presenting herself as useful so Big Jim won’t kill her.
But it ain’t going to work like that: he pulls out his gun and tells her that the dome can’t come down, not now. "You’re a sick bastard," Dodee cries, literally. She figures she might as well go out in a blaze of glory, and tells him someday people will know the truth about him and smile when he dies. Whoa! Neither of those things seem particularly worrisome to Big Jim, who shoots her in the same spot that didn’t kill Julia, and she falls down dead. Then he shoots up the radio equipment, which seems like a waste of ammunition when he then sets fire to the place.
After that, Big Jim gets on the walkie-talkie to Linda, who is "sweeping the southwest quadrant" with Phil Bushey. Jim tells her the radio station is on fire. Phil, concerned, says Dodee was "covering" for him, as opposed to just being at the radio station where she works, and Jim plays dumb when asked if he knows if Dodee’s okay. "The fire volunteers are gathering, but you need to get down there," says Big Jim. This cheap show has apparently used up all its budget and I guess that’s why we will not actually see a fire or the "fire volunteers" who are "gathering."
Phil leaps right to the conclusion that it must have been Barbie, since the radio station has been broadcasting information about him "night and day." That leap in logic is all Linda needs to hear, and they’re on their way.
Up in Ben’s bedroom (where the props department has gone nuts with the generic skateboarding posters wallpapering the room), Joe and Norrie instruct Ben to keep it covered and keep his parents away from it (Ben has parents?) and he promises it’s in good hands. They do have to stop him from trying to touch it, since the last person who did that got burned. I think they should be more worried that he’s going to be trying to pull off some sick skateboarding stunts on it!
Back at the hospital, Junior continues to take his dad’s instructions to watch Julia, literally…staring at her when Angie strolls up in her candy striper’s outfit. Angie should really figure out if her goal is to seduce Junior or get him agitated. She asks if he’s okay after what they saw last night, and he says he is. "Then why’d you run off?" she asks. Instead of saying, "Because me being okay in the present does not preclude me being not okay earlier," Big Jim says he wanted to protect his dad. Then she taunts him about whether he can trust Big Jim or not. He says he does, and she points out he didn’t always, and notes that if Barbie didn’t shoot Julia, then she’s the only witness, and asks him what Big Jim said Junior should do if she wakes up?
She apologizes, explaining that she’s all a-flutter and needs someone to talk to. "You’re the only one who understands what I’m going through," she says, and then takes his hand. Under the guise of claiming to feel like Julia’s watching them, Angie convinces a reluctant Junior to leave Julia’s bedside and go someplace a little more private. Barbie can’t even wait for them to be out of sight for Christ’s sake before he pops into the hallway and wheels a gurney over to Julia’s bed.
In about 10 minutes the fire has decimated the radio station down to a couple of charred boards that are barely even smoking anymore and a "fire volunteer" tells Linda that they "found her body in the station." Phil is crouched by Dodee’s body, blubbering, "Why’d he do it? Dodee never hurt anyone." Linda tries to comfort him, and vows that Barbie won’t get away with it, DESPITE THE ONLY EVIDENCE OF BARBIE’S INVOLVEMENT BEING PHIL’S THEORY. I mean, good GOD.
Over at the hospital, Angie — feeling she’s a safe distance away from Julia’s room — starts in with the "I don’t know how much more I can take" and Junior assures her that she doesn’t have to go through this alone. They embrace, with Angie’s eyes darting back and forth the whole time, and then they face each others. Angie fights back her gag reflex but Junior doesn’t notice because he’s already got his eyes closed and his mouth partly open and he’s looming in for the kiss.
So they make out for a bit -- slurping sound effects and all -- until Junior breaks it off. "You taste like cigarettes," he says. And that’s what lets him know something is wrong, and not the fact that Angie is just all of a sudden coming on to him. He goes racing back to Julia’s room, Angie in pursuit, and he finds Julia gone. He looks accusingly at Angie, who turns tail and runs away.
Over at the McAllister barn, Carolyn is blocking Big Jim and a couple of his goons from entering, adorably acting like Big Jim gives a shit about due process or the lack of a search warrant. He is aware of the fourth way he can enter without a warrant (after she supplies owner’s consent, clear visibility of what’s inside, or suspect already under arrest), and that is, of course, the titular exigent circumstances. He argues that a murderer on the loose is pretty damn clearly exigent circumstances, but Carolyn calls it "just one more day in this damn hellhole."
Of course, now I’m getting the sense she’s not a very good lawyer. She requests they get off the property, and Big Jim is all, "De-NIED!" and his goons physically remove her. It's all just in time for Norrie and Joe to return and have them laughably attempt to get physical with Big Jim’s thugs. Big Jim triumphantly opens the barn but doesn’t see the egg, and doesn’t actually even LOOK IN THE CORNERS or BEHIND anything, like Joe and Norrie didn’t even have to bother moving it all the way to Ben’s place. Royally pissed, he asks them where it is, and Joe and Norrie play dumb, which really isn’t too taxing for them.
"That damn egg…I know all about it and what it’s for," says Big Jim, but Norrie — making damn sure Big Jim knows she’s lying — says she has no idea what he’s talking about. Then Big Jim has them all arrested for obstruction of justice, so it’s off to the pokey for everybody.
Back at the clinic, Barbie is loading Julia into the back of the ambulance -- the patrolling guards absolutely NOWHERE to be found -- when Angie comes racing outside, Junior right behind her. Barbie and Junior, who yells into his walkie-talkie that Barbie’s at the clinic, tackle each other. Some stunt doubles fight each other until Barbie’s able to draw his gun and whack Junior across the head with it, knocking him senseless. He hops into the back of the ambulance and hilariously tells an unconscious Julia, "I love you," and then sends Angie on her way.
She protests, not wanting to leave him behind, but Barbie says they won’t look for her if they’ve got Barbie. That’s obviously untrue, given that this whole mission was to keep Julia safe since she knows the truth, but Angie peels out, just as Linda comes screaming into the parking lot from the other direction. She stops, draws her gun on Barbie and makes him get on his knees. Barbie complies, and as she’s handcuffing him -- the two of them ignore the agitated Phil Bushey at Barbie’s peril -- because Phil flat-out kicks him in the face. Linda hauls Phil off, and radios Big Jim to let him know she got Barbie but Angie got away with Julia, which is NOT SOMETHING SHE HAS ANY WAY OF KNOWING YET.
But this does prove my point that Barbie’s a fucking idiot for thinking that they won’t go looking for Angie too. Looking quite concerned, Big Jim tells her not to worry, that they’ll get her.
Joe and Norrie are in adjacent jail cells, which is good, because then they get to have one of those conversations where Joe comes off like a simpleton and Norrie like a…who knows what. She says Angie was right, that they should have killed Big Jim when they had the chance. I’d like to ask when it was that they had the chance, actually, but Joe is still horrified at the thought, despite Norrie’s listing of the "Nazi moves" that Big Jim has pulled. Joe doesn’t think it makes any sense for the dome to want them to kill Big Jim, but he doesn’t actually explain would it would make sense for the dome to "want." Norrie asks him what he thinks will happen when Big Jim gets Barbie. "Your monarch won’t be crowned, Joe. It’s more like the monarch will be beheaded."
Oh, good, here comes Big Jim. Not good in the sense that he’s enough to make the show good, but at least he can act. He taunts "Little Miss Well-Behaved" (sick burn, Big J) and then appeals to Joe, who was always a good kid, a smart kid. "Not like your sister," says Big Jim, and that makes Joe mad. Well, "mad," anyway. Big Jim says Angie has thrown her lot in with Barbie, and may be past help, but Joe can fix this. "Tell me where it is, and we’ll forget any of this happened," says Big Jim, telling him that if this egg is the generator, then him keeping it squirreled away is a serious offense, as it’s impeding a lawful investigation.
That’s too much for Norrie, who starts laughing, so Big Jim turns his attention to her. She asks why he’s called "Big Jim": "You’re just some loser trying to scare kids," she says. Look, obviously it’s a size thing, Norrie. Big Jim enters the cell menacingly, but Norrie says he doesn’t scare her. Big Jim essentially tells her she can tell him what he wants to know, or her remaining mother is going to have to deal with a little more grief. Can’t say the threats do much for his attempt to keep passing this off as lawful, but Norrie’s not going to debate the point. No, she’s going to slash at him with a knife that she has somehow? Because under the dome police forget to search prisoners for weapons? Big Jim manages to avoid getting cut, and disarms her. Shoulda gone for the balls, Norrie. You had an open cell door right there. Instead, Big Jim just locks her back in. "You want to burn with Barbie? Be my guest," he snarls.
On the side of a road on the outskirts, Angie listens to Linda Update Radio. Linda is apparently making announcements to no one in particular about how they’ve got Barbie in custody but "no eyes" on Julia Shumway, who was last seen in an ambulance driven by Angie McAllister. "Away from the clinic," says Linda. While we’re all wondering why the hell Linda would give such a useless bit of information — you’re sure she’s not driving the ambulance into the clinic, there, Linda? — Angie gets an idea and puts the ambulance in drive.
Now, here's Linda marching Barbie down into a cell and shackling him, hands behind his back, to the wall. She ignores him asking if Big Jim told her to do that, and locks him in. He pleads with her, saying that she knows he could never hurt Julia. "Yeah? What about her husband?" Linda asks, displaying her rock-solid "you did this bad thing, therefore you did this other bad thing" logic. Rather than fucking explaining himself, Barbie just goes quiet.
Upstairs, Carolyn is hanging out in the town office, telling an eye-rolling Big Jim that she’s not leaving until he releases her daughter. He’s all, “"It’s a public building," and then chats with Linda, who’s doing a great job looking for Julia and Angie by sitting behind her desk. Big Jim could not look more shifty as he asks if Julia came out of her coma yet. As for Barbie downstairs? Let him sweat, says Big Jim.
Over at Ben’s house, Ben is -- of course -- working on his skateboard, when the mini-dome starts emitting an ear-piercing squealing. He looks under the blanket -- everything appears to be glowing orange, now -- and then starts piling on blanket after towel after coat. He’s got more blankets than a 17th-century North American fur trader!
Back at the jail, Big Jim gets a couple of his goons to escort Norrie and Joe from their cells to an "undisclosed location," he tells Barbie, who doesn’t take kindly to Big Jim’s suggestion that Barbie will confess publicly to his crimes. "I’ll tell you what will happen if you choose not to cooperate," says Big Jim, which would be charging Angie as an accessory, and linking Joe and Norrie to Dodee’s death. "Then there’s your redhead," says Big Jim. She’ll go down for hiring a hit man to kill her husband. "That’s as cold as cold-blooded gets," says Big Jim. Great simile! He asks Barbie if they have a deal. Barbie says if he lets the kids go and leaves Julia and Angie alone, then yes. "How do I know you’re going to keep your word?" asks Barbie. Big Jim smirks, and everyone watching says with him, "You don’t."
Carolyn is relieved to see Joe and Norrie released, and maybe Norrie can wait TEN GODDAMN SECONDS until she’s OUT OF EARSHOT OF JIM RENNIE before saying, "We need to check on the mini-dome, make sure it’s safe." Jim tells Linda to tail those kids, and it’s not like Linda has anything else to do, so no problem, I guess. To her credit, she asks why first, and he says he thinks they’re hiding something that could help them understand what’s going on. "Something like what?" she asks, skeptical. "It’s tough to say, but it could be our way out," he says, and that vagueness is enough to satisfy her.
Then it’s time for Big Jim to dress down Junior for losing Julia, and Big Jim tells him he’s got a second chance, ordering him to find Angie and Julia and bring them back. But I guess ol’ Marlboro Breath Angie has got Junior thinking, and he wants to know why he needs to find Julia, with Barbie locked up. Big Jim makes up some shit about "who knows how many crazies out there are under Barbie’s spell" or some goddamn thing. "I love you, Dad. But don’t lie to me. That would be very bad for both of us," says Junior. Big Jim manages not to crack up laughing at Junior acting all tough, and tells him Barbie has confessed, and will soon confess to the whole town.
Junior goes, but not before Big Jim can make yet another person suspicious by asking if Julia was conscious last time Junior saw her.
Carolyn, Norrie and Joe arrive at Ben’s house, and nobody notices Linda following them practically on the bumper. Ben is outside, holding his head in his hands -- I take it his parents are picking up garbage or are at their salsa lessons -- and he tells them their sphere is going crazy.
Hey, so you know how Linda, Terrible Cop made sure to tell everyone that Angie was driving away from the clinic? And you thought that was just a typically terrible line? Joke’s on you! Angie brought Julia back to the clinic, to stay in a storage room, figuring it would be the last place anyone would look. And she stashed the ambulance behind a billboard… what? I guess they just nonchalantly wheeled Julia into the clinic from however far away that was. Julia tells Angie she was shot by a woman she’s never seen before, which is the exact opposite of being shot by a man you’re having sex with. Angie explains that Big Jim has been telling everyone Barbie shot her. "He’s lying," says Julia. That’s why we have to hide you, says Angie.
Oh, god. The whole damn town has turned out in front of the steps of the town hall, where Big Jim marches Barbie out and then makes a speech about how the rules still apply and are necessary, and when they’re broken, there must be justice and, where appropriate, punishment. Big Jim rattles off the names of the people Barbie is accused of killing…
…while over at Ben’s house, everyone covers their ears as Ben uncovers the mini-egg, which is indeed glowing orange and shrieking.
Elsewhere, Junior parks, ditches his walkie-talkie, and walks up to the dome, puts both hands on it, and closes his eyes.
At the clinic, Angie asks Julia what she thinks "they will do to him." Julia looks at her solemnly for five fucking minutes before saying, "They’re gonna kill him."
As if this is an actual courthouse, Big Jim asks Barbie how he pleads. Barbie mulls it over.
Linda enters Ben’s bedroom as the shrieking gets louder and the chrysalis wiggles.
Big Jim: “I asked you a question, Mr. Barbara. How do you plead?" Barbie looks at him: "Not guilty,” he says. Now all we need is a gruff judge blustering, "Well, this is highly irregular…"
It's daylight now and Big Jim addresses a throng of suddenly concerned citizens that they will hunt down "the murderer Dale Barbara." Some guy named Miles is all, "What if he’s hiding in our homes?" and this Miles (why are they starting to introduce new characters now for the second season?) apparently wants people’s homes to be searched. It's nice that Carolyn is finally back, so she can say it’s illegal to just randomly search people’s homes. Big Jim turns on a dime from initially blustering that they won’t be searching homes because the Constitution still applies, to immediately saying they will search homes, and he’s declaring a state of emergency (which he already did, but much later than he should have). The muttering and cheering of this crowd is ridiculously over the top as Big Jim douses the scenery with HP sauce and just chomps it to pieces.
Linda mutters that she won’t turn the town into a police-state and he says, "It’s not me, Linda. It’s the people." He winds the crowd up by yelling that this is the beginning -- not the end -- of Chester’s Mill, and there are jobs to do (a reservoir that needs protecting! Crops that need tending! Fight clubs that need security!) and sacrifices to be made. But, Chester’s Mill will live to see next year and the year after that. Yes, yes, we know the show was renewed. You don’t have to rub our faces in it.
Over at the radio station, Dodee is listening to the hilariously non-private military channel that consists of nothing but two non-specific military personnel talking about how essential it is that they find Dale Barbara. Oh, also, they’re looking for "the egg," but it doesn’t mean anything if they can’t find Dale Barbara. But the mention of the egg twigs a memory for her, and she goes to her phone, where she finds a picture she took of the egg. "That’s what burned me!" she says. On Under the Dome, they don’t even need a second person in the room for expository dialogue to be spoken.
Three-quarters of the Moron Quartet are watching the lines on the egg and wondering what it all means over at the barn. "I think it’s mad we didn’t kill Big Jim," says Angie. Joe points out that they don’t even know that’s what it wants. But he is sure that the monarch is Barbie, even if the others are skeptical. Angie’s sure it’s not Junior though, after the way he ran off. Yeah, it was pretty suspicious when he took off AFTER SEEING A VISION OF HIS DAD BEING STABBED TO DEATH. Joe’s also excited about the impending hatching of the chrysalis, because he knows things will change then.
Carolyn bursts into the barn, and is stunned to see the egg. "It’s, like, the dome’s heart," Norrie "explains." Joe says they think it’s the source of the dome’s power, and Norrie confesses it’s the thing in the woods that showed her the vision of Other Mom and sent her home to say goodbye. Carolyn wants them to hide it, since homes are going to be searched. "You’re not mad?" asks Norrie, surprised, and Carolyn says she’s always on Norrie’s side and that she doesn’t trust Big Jim at all. Angie tells them to take it to Ben’s, since they can trust him, and I have to wonder if there isn’t some way that they could hide the egg in a goddamn barn rather than make a risky journey with it all the way over to idiot Ben’s place. "You’re not coming?" says Joe. "I have business with Big Jim," says Angie.
Meanwhile, over at the Sweetbriar Rose, Linda is warning the unruly mob to treat their neighbors with respect, to not damage property, and to not kill Dale Barbara. Ugh, why even bother signing up for a lynch mob, then?
Phil Bushey is back to get his car keys from Linda and offer a helping hand. Junior shows up to hug his dad and make sure he hasn’t been killed to death yet. Big Jim is weirded out by the show of affection, and a little concerned when Junior explains that someone is going to try to kill Big Jim…but can’t say how he knows. A little rattled, Big Jim tells Junior to get a hold of himself, because he’s got a job for Junior: he’s got people guarding Julia to make sure Barbie doesn’t finish the job (that Big Jim knows damn well he didn’t start) but he wants someone he trusts on the inside to make sure Julia’s safe).
His real purpose, of course, is that he wants Junior to let him know if Julia wakes up and starts talking. "No one else, just me," he says. Junior agrees, and warns his dad to be careful.
Then Dodee rushes up to tell Big Jim he’s got to come to the radio station. Big Jim doesn’t want "to overwhelm the public with more announcements," whatever that’s supposed to mean. Dodee explains about the military searching for Barbie — and something else.
Angie leaves the barn, only to be grabbed by Barbie, who covers her mouth and carries her, screaming and struggling around the corner. She calms down and tells him a lot of people are looking for him, in case he didn’t know. He warns her that Big Jim’s going to kill Julia, because if she wakes up and starts telling people that Barbie didn’t try to kill her, Big Jim’s story falls apart. He wants her candy striper key card, and wants her to help him save Julia.
After the title screen and commercial break, Junior’s at the hospital, quizzing the nurse about how Julia’s doing. The nurse alternates between telling Junior things like there’s no telling how much neurological damage she’s suffered and "I’m not a doctor, Junior." She leaves to go check on other patients, and Junior takes up his guard post.
Outside, Angie and Barbie are in the bushes sizing up the security at the hospital. Barbie’s plan is to hot wire an ambulance, get Julia, and then leave, essentially. He truly is some sort of Special Forces tactical badass, isn’t he? Angie points out that Big Jim’s likely to have more security inside and may have even moved her already, since he’s got to realize Barbie will be coming for her. "There are a lot of ifs here," she says. Barbie concludes that Big Jim is taking out everyone who stands in his way, so is she in or out? Then he gives her a cigarette, like he did when they first met. Sure, have a cigarette. Julia’s going to live forever.
At the radio station, Big Jim grumbles about how there’s been no sign of the military for a week, and now they want Barbie? And the military wants some sort of egg? Dodee shows him the picture on her phone. Kinda weird how they waited until they were at the radio station to have this conversation, huh? Dodee doesn’t know what it did, but it “burned the crap” out of her hand.
Dodee leaves to go make sure the music is still going, like she promised Phil. Big Jim is left alone with the receiver just in time to hear the soldier and his superior chatting about the location of the egg and the whereabouts of Barbie, as well as who the ranking official in town is: James Rennie. One of the Military Guys asks if they should get in touch with Jim, and the soldier says, "No, because after the missile strike, routine surveillance spotted Big Jim murdering the town reverend." Big Jim scrambles to shut it off, but not before Dodee has come back and apparently heard enough. They stare at each other.
Ben takes half a second to get on my nerves by skateboarding up his front walk instead of walking to talk to that Miles guy, who is pitching in by picking up people’s garbage. Once they’re gone, Ben hears Joe giving him a “Pssst!” from over in the bushes, so he skateboards (of course) over and finds Joe and Norrie and their wagon transporting a large round thing covered under a blanket, which they managed to get here without anyone seeing them, apparently. It’s something they need to hide from the sweeps, and Ben says they already did his house: "My stash house is your stash house," he says.
Over at the hospital, Barbie and Angie make their move, having finished their smoke break, I guess. Angie uses her key card and the two of them skulk around the hospital, encountering zero security until they see Junior, who isn’t so much guarding Julia as starring at her. Barbie, gun cocked, thinks he can take Junior before he has a chance to use his walkie-talkie, but Angie, spotting a candy striper uniform conveniently close at hand, has another idea.
At the radio station, a frightened looking Dodee says she thought what happened to the reverend was an accident. Big Jim says, "He was an accident waiting to happen." Well, that should put her mind at ease. He tells her she doesn’t know the whole story, and neither do the "peeping toms" with their eyes in the sky. She wants to know how many other "accidents" there have been, and has already reached the conclusion that Barbie didn’t do what Big Jim has accused him of doing. "Every one of those people got what was coming to them," he says, adding his usual embellishments of how all he’s ever wanted is what’s best for the town.
Somehow, his megalomania seems to convince her, and she seems fully on board when he asks her about the picture of the egg she showed him, which she remembers now was taken at the McAllisters’ barn. She thinks it could be the generator for the dome, adding, "Maybe, if you get this thing, you can bring down the dome." She offers to get it for him, and it quickly becomes clear that she wasn’t on board with his insanity but presenting herself as useful so Big Jim won’t kill her.
But it ain’t going to work like that: he pulls out his gun and tells her that the dome can’t come down, not now. "You’re a sick bastard," Dodee cries, literally. She figures she might as well go out in a blaze of glory, and tells him someday people will know the truth about him and smile when he dies. Whoa! Neither of those things seem particularly worrisome to Big Jim, who shoots her in the same spot that didn’t kill Julia, and she falls down dead. Then he shoots up the radio equipment, which seems like a waste of ammunition when he then sets fire to the place.
After that, Big Jim gets on the walkie-talkie to Linda, who is "sweeping the southwest quadrant" with Phil Bushey. Jim tells her the radio station is on fire. Phil, concerned, says Dodee was "covering" for him, as opposed to just being at the radio station where she works, and Jim plays dumb when asked if he knows if Dodee’s okay. "The fire volunteers are gathering, but you need to get down there," says Big Jim. This cheap show has apparently used up all its budget and I guess that’s why we will not actually see a fire or the "fire volunteers" who are "gathering."
Phil leaps right to the conclusion that it must have been Barbie, since the radio station has been broadcasting information about him "night and day." That leap in logic is all Linda needs to hear, and they’re on their way.
Up in Ben’s bedroom (where the props department has gone nuts with the generic skateboarding posters wallpapering the room), Joe and Norrie instruct Ben to keep it covered and keep his parents away from it (Ben has parents?) and he promises it’s in good hands. They do have to stop him from trying to touch it, since the last person who did that got burned. I think they should be more worried that he’s going to be trying to pull off some sick skateboarding stunts on it!
Back at the hospital, Junior continues to take his dad’s instructions to watch Julia, literally…staring at her when Angie strolls up in her candy striper’s outfit. Angie should really figure out if her goal is to seduce Junior or get him agitated. She asks if he’s okay after what they saw last night, and he says he is. "Then why’d you run off?" she asks. Instead of saying, "Because me being okay in the present does not preclude me being not okay earlier," Big Jim says he wanted to protect his dad. Then she taunts him about whether he can trust Big Jim or not. He says he does, and she points out he didn’t always, and notes that if Barbie didn’t shoot Julia, then she’s the only witness, and asks him what Big Jim said Junior should do if she wakes up?
She apologizes, explaining that she’s all a-flutter and needs someone to talk to. "You’re the only one who understands what I’m going through," she says, and then takes his hand. Under the guise of claiming to feel like Julia’s watching them, Angie convinces a reluctant Junior to leave Julia’s bedside and go someplace a little more private. Barbie can’t even wait for them to be out of sight for Christ’s sake before he pops into the hallway and wheels a gurney over to Julia’s bed.
In about 10 minutes the fire has decimated the radio station down to a couple of charred boards that are barely even smoking anymore and a "fire volunteer" tells Linda that they "found her body in the station." Phil is crouched by Dodee’s body, blubbering, "Why’d he do it? Dodee never hurt anyone." Linda tries to comfort him, and vows that Barbie won’t get away with it, DESPITE THE ONLY EVIDENCE OF BARBIE’S INVOLVEMENT BEING PHIL’S THEORY. I mean, good GOD.
Over at the hospital, Angie — feeling she’s a safe distance away from Julia’s room — starts in with the "I don’t know how much more I can take" and Junior assures her that she doesn’t have to go through this alone. They embrace, with Angie’s eyes darting back and forth the whole time, and then they face each others. Angie fights back her gag reflex but Junior doesn’t notice because he’s already got his eyes closed and his mouth partly open and he’s looming in for the kiss.
So they make out for a bit -- slurping sound effects and all -- until Junior breaks it off. "You taste like cigarettes," he says. And that’s what lets him know something is wrong, and not the fact that Angie is just all of a sudden coming on to him. He goes racing back to Julia’s room, Angie in pursuit, and he finds Julia gone. He looks accusingly at Angie, who turns tail and runs away.
Over at the McAllister barn, Carolyn is blocking Big Jim and a couple of his goons from entering, adorably acting like Big Jim gives a shit about due process or the lack of a search warrant. He is aware of the fourth way he can enter without a warrant (after she supplies owner’s consent, clear visibility of what’s inside, or suspect already under arrest), and that is, of course, the titular exigent circumstances. He argues that a murderer on the loose is pretty damn clearly exigent circumstances, but Carolyn calls it "just one more day in this damn hellhole."
Of course, now I’m getting the sense she’s not a very good lawyer. She requests they get off the property, and Big Jim is all, "De-NIED!" and his goons physically remove her. It's all just in time for Norrie and Joe to return and have them laughably attempt to get physical with Big Jim’s thugs. Big Jim triumphantly opens the barn but doesn’t see the egg, and doesn’t actually even LOOK IN THE CORNERS or BEHIND anything, like Joe and Norrie didn’t even have to bother moving it all the way to Ben’s place. Royally pissed, he asks them where it is, and Joe and Norrie play dumb, which really isn’t too taxing for them.
"That damn egg…I know all about it and what it’s for," says Big Jim, but Norrie — making damn sure Big Jim knows she’s lying — says she has no idea what he’s talking about. Then Big Jim has them all arrested for obstruction of justice, so it’s off to the pokey for everybody.
Back at the clinic, Barbie is loading Julia into the back of the ambulance -- the patrolling guards absolutely NOWHERE to be found -- when Angie comes racing outside, Junior right behind her. Barbie and Junior, who yells into his walkie-talkie that Barbie’s at the clinic, tackle each other. Some stunt doubles fight each other until Barbie’s able to draw his gun and whack Junior across the head with it, knocking him senseless. He hops into the back of the ambulance and hilariously tells an unconscious Julia, "I love you," and then sends Angie on her way.
She protests, not wanting to leave him behind, but Barbie says they won’t look for her if they’ve got Barbie. That’s obviously untrue, given that this whole mission was to keep Julia safe since she knows the truth, but Angie peels out, just as Linda comes screaming into the parking lot from the other direction. She stops, draws her gun on Barbie and makes him get on his knees. Barbie complies, and as she’s handcuffing him -- the two of them ignore the agitated Phil Bushey at Barbie’s peril -- because Phil flat-out kicks him in the face. Linda hauls Phil off, and radios Big Jim to let him know she got Barbie but Angie got away with Julia, which is NOT SOMETHING SHE HAS ANY WAY OF KNOWING YET.
But this does prove my point that Barbie’s a fucking idiot for thinking that they won’t go looking for Angie too. Looking quite concerned, Big Jim tells her not to worry, that they’ll get her.
Joe and Norrie are in adjacent jail cells, which is good, because then they get to have one of those conversations where Joe comes off like a simpleton and Norrie like a…who knows what. She says Angie was right, that they should have killed Big Jim when they had the chance. I’d like to ask when it was that they had the chance, actually, but Joe is still horrified at the thought, despite Norrie’s listing of the "Nazi moves" that Big Jim has pulled. Joe doesn’t think it makes any sense for the dome to want them to kill Big Jim, but he doesn’t actually explain would it would make sense for the dome to "want." Norrie asks him what he thinks will happen when Big Jim gets Barbie. "Your monarch won’t be crowned, Joe. It’s more like the monarch will be beheaded."
Oh, good, here comes Big Jim. Not good in the sense that he’s enough to make the show good, but at least he can act. He taunts "Little Miss Well-Behaved" (sick burn, Big J) and then appeals to Joe, who was always a good kid, a smart kid. "Not like your sister," says Big Jim, and that makes Joe mad. Well, "mad," anyway. Big Jim says Angie has thrown her lot in with Barbie, and may be past help, but Joe can fix this. "Tell me where it is, and we’ll forget any of this happened," says Big Jim, telling him that if this egg is the generator, then him keeping it squirreled away is a serious offense, as it’s impeding a lawful investigation.
That’s too much for Norrie, who starts laughing, so Big Jim turns his attention to her. She asks why he’s called "Big Jim": "You’re just some loser trying to scare kids," she says. Look, obviously it’s a size thing, Norrie. Big Jim enters the cell menacingly, but Norrie says he doesn’t scare her. Big Jim essentially tells her she can tell him what he wants to know, or her remaining mother is going to have to deal with a little more grief. Can’t say the threats do much for his attempt to keep passing this off as lawful, but Norrie’s not going to debate the point. No, she’s going to slash at him with a knife that she has somehow? Because under the dome police forget to search prisoners for weapons? Big Jim manages to avoid getting cut, and disarms her. Shoulda gone for the balls, Norrie. You had an open cell door right there. Instead, Big Jim just locks her back in. "You want to burn with Barbie? Be my guest," he snarls.
On the side of a road on the outskirts, Angie listens to Linda Update Radio. Linda is apparently making announcements to no one in particular about how they’ve got Barbie in custody but "no eyes" on Julia Shumway, who was last seen in an ambulance driven by Angie McAllister. "Away from the clinic," says Linda. While we’re all wondering why the hell Linda would give such a useless bit of information — you’re sure she’s not driving the ambulance into the clinic, there, Linda? — Angie gets an idea and puts the ambulance in drive.
Now, here's Linda marching Barbie down into a cell and shackling him, hands behind his back, to the wall. She ignores him asking if Big Jim told her to do that, and locks him in. He pleads with her, saying that she knows he could never hurt Julia. "Yeah? What about her husband?" Linda asks, displaying her rock-solid "you did this bad thing, therefore you did this other bad thing" logic. Rather than fucking explaining himself, Barbie just goes quiet.
Upstairs, Carolyn is hanging out in the town office, telling an eye-rolling Big Jim that she’s not leaving until he releases her daughter. He’s all, “"It’s a public building," and then chats with Linda, who’s doing a great job looking for Julia and Angie by sitting behind her desk. Big Jim could not look more shifty as he asks if Julia came out of her coma yet. As for Barbie downstairs? Let him sweat, says Big Jim.
Over at Ben’s house, Ben is -- of course -- working on his skateboard, when the mini-dome starts emitting an ear-piercing squealing. He looks under the blanket -- everything appears to be glowing orange, now -- and then starts piling on blanket after towel after coat. He’s got more blankets than a 17th-century North American fur trader!
Back at the jail, Big Jim gets a couple of his goons to escort Norrie and Joe from their cells to an "undisclosed location," he tells Barbie, who doesn’t take kindly to Big Jim’s suggestion that Barbie will confess publicly to his crimes. "I’ll tell you what will happen if you choose not to cooperate," says Big Jim, which would be charging Angie as an accessory, and linking Joe and Norrie to Dodee’s death. "Then there’s your redhead," says Big Jim. She’ll go down for hiring a hit man to kill her husband. "That’s as cold as cold-blooded gets," says Big Jim. Great simile! He asks Barbie if they have a deal. Barbie says if he lets the kids go and leaves Julia and Angie alone, then yes. "How do I know you’re going to keep your word?" asks Barbie. Big Jim smirks, and everyone watching says with him, "You don’t."
Carolyn is relieved to see Joe and Norrie released, and maybe Norrie can wait TEN GODDAMN SECONDS until she’s OUT OF EARSHOT OF JIM RENNIE before saying, "We need to check on the mini-dome, make sure it’s safe." Jim tells Linda to tail those kids, and it’s not like Linda has anything else to do, so no problem, I guess. To her credit, she asks why first, and he says he thinks they’re hiding something that could help them understand what’s going on. "Something like what?" she asks, skeptical. "It’s tough to say, but it could be our way out," he says, and that vagueness is enough to satisfy her.
Then it’s time for Big Jim to dress down Junior for losing Julia, and Big Jim tells him he’s got a second chance, ordering him to find Angie and Julia and bring them back. But I guess ol’ Marlboro Breath Angie has got Junior thinking, and he wants to know why he needs to find Julia, with Barbie locked up. Big Jim makes up some shit about "who knows how many crazies out there are under Barbie’s spell" or some goddamn thing. "I love you, Dad. But don’t lie to me. That would be very bad for both of us," says Junior. Big Jim manages not to crack up laughing at Junior acting all tough, and tells him Barbie has confessed, and will soon confess to the whole town.
Junior goes, but not before Big Jim can make yet another person suspicious by asking if Julia was conscious last time Junior saw her.
Carolyn, Norrie and Joe arrive at Ben’s house, and nobody notices Linda following them practically on the bumper. Ben is outside, holding his head in his hands -- I take it his parents are picking up garbage or are at their salsa lessons -- and he tells them their sphere is going crazy.
Hey, so you know how Linda, Terrible Cop made sure to tell everyone that Angie was driving away from the clinic? And you thought that was just a typically terrible line? Joke’s on you! Angie brought Julia back to the clinic, to stay in a storage room, figuring it would be the last place anyone would look. And she stashed the ambulance behind a billboard… what? I guess they just nonchalantly wheeled Julia into the clinic from however far away that was. Julia tells Angie she was shot by a woman she’s never seen before, which is the exact opposite of being shot by a man you’re having sex with. Angie explains that Big Jim has been telling everyone Barbie shot her. "He’s lying," says Julia. That’s why we have to hide you, says Angie.
Oh, god. The whole damn town has turned out in front of the steps of the town hall, where Big Jim marches Barbie out and then makes a speech about how the rules still apply and are necessary, and when they’re broken, there must be justice and, where appropriate, punishment. Big Jim rattles off the names of the people Barbie is accused of killing…
…while over at Ben’s house, everyone covers their ears as Ben uncovers the mini-egg, which is indeed glowing orange and shrieking.
Elsewhere, Junior parks, ditches his walkie-talkie, and walks up to the dome, puts both hands on it, and closes his eyes.
At the clinic, Angie asks Julia what she thinks "they will do to him." Julia looks at her solemnly for five fucking minutes before saying, "They’re gonna kill him."
As if this is an actual courthouse, Big Jim asks Barbie how he pleads. Barbie mulls it over.
Linda enters Ben’s bedroom as the shrieking gets louder and the chrysalis wiggles.
Big Jim: “I asked you a question, Mr. Barbara. How do you plead?" Barbie looks at him: "Not guilty,” he says. Now all we need is a gruff judge blustering, "Well, this is highly irregular…"
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